Move-Out

Seeing all of those makes me really hungry for fruit. (≡^∇^≡)
And also brings me to (one of) the subjects of this entry - diet. (＞_＜)
I am going to be moving back home into my parents' house by the 15th of April. Things will start to get a lot better from there. I have been living on my own for almost a year now, and nothing good has come of it. So much stress, hurt, pain, ruined relationships, etc. Roommates is no longer a good idea/positive option for me. Anyways! Aside from that, moving home will have its definite advantages. Eating well and proper exercise are two of them, as well as increased hygiene. I will have more resources and more time to spend on improving myself both cosmetically and as far as my physical, mental and emotional health. Living on my own has been very strenuous. So I look forward to accomplishing my fitness goals within the next year. (^_^)v

Though, there are a lot of things I need to do before I move out. Jake has told me I don't need to do a lot of the cleaning because it's just going to get messy again before they leave, too, so. That is good. I can focus more on getting my things organized. Here is a list of things I need to do:

- Pack and/or wash all clothing I don't need/won't wear.
- Clean up the kitchen and bathroom at least a bit.
- Get all of my things from the bathroom and pack them.
- Get together all of my things from the kitchen.
- Clean my couch.
- Get all my video-game systems/parts/games/etc together and prepare to pack them.
- Eventually get some more boxes.
- Put away all my flyers/posters/wall-stuff.
- Pack up my stereo, cds, etc.

When I actually move out, I'm going to have to take the kitchen table, chairs, one of the couches, the coffee table and end tables, the toaster oven, microwave, my bed... some of those things are huge and are going to need my dad's help in a big way. I wonder if any of the boxes and stuff that are still in the storage room are mine. I thought I took most of them out, but if not, I'll get them when Jake and Ali move anyways, so no big deal for now. There's enough that needs doing. （Ｔ＿Ｔ）

So that's what's been happening recently.

Hollywood Boulevard

So... I have just realized, that it's okay if I want to like pink or find it cute. I'm a girl, after all. *^^*

There was a line from "Domino" that I watched yesterday, that actually stuck with me... She said: "You know what I think really bothers you? Is that while I'm coming into my own, you're stuck in some dead-end relationship doing a job you hate everyday..." the part that stuck with me from that was this:

It's really important to actually become who you want to be, because it is the only thing that will really be fulfilling to you. No matter how 'different' it is from who you have been for the previous years of your life. I shouldn't be afraid of changing into something that I always wished I could have been.

I think the reason I'm scared is because I'm afraid that I won't be what everyone around me knows me to be, and I'll be even more alone than I am now. But actually, I think... that if let myself turn from a chrysallis into a butterfly, I would be a lot happier. Right now, I am staying in the folds of this coccoon... And while I seem safe inside, I know that I am actually a sitting duck, waiting for something to come along and make me into easy prey. If I don't come out and face the 'big bad world', I'll never spread my wings and I will die on the same leaf I was born.

I think that is a very accurate metaphor for my life right now.

Struggle

Right now, I am struggling in a big way with who I am - with reinventing myself. I feel like there is a big inner fight going on... who should I be? Who do I want to be? What is going to shape who I am in the next five years?

This is both a very exciting and very dreadful time. I am going to be turning 20 years old in 33 days... I feel like this is the time, the turn of my life, where I should start growing into and defining who I will be for the next section of my life.

Up until this time, I have felt pulled along, rejected by society, and... feeling constantly like I have been fighting, fighting against every power that stood in my way. Everything from my family to the government to the forces of nature, I have fought, and often lost out to. But yet I never stopped defying everything, because ever since I was abused by other kids when I was eight, and since then until now, that was the only way that I knew how to survive.

But I am changing. I owe many things to Japan, you know. Visual-kei helped me to survive the toughest parts of my life, and bringing cultural Japanese ideals into my life sometimes helped to stabilize me. However, they also brought a huge perfectionism into my life that I was - like every other human being - unable to live up to. And true to my nature of survival I had unconsciously lived by up until that point; I rebelled against it in every possible way even when I did not really want to. Only with the help of others after I have reached out in the last few months have I noticed that I have been steadily pushing myself down a path of failure for the last several years just to "offset" the crushing mentality of perfectionism I had placed upon myself.

It is in this moment that I realize that what I want most from myself is to be proud of myself, to look upon myself physically and at my accomplishments and be happy to say that this is me. As of right now, I could not be more ashamed of myself. I am unemployed, overweight, the epitome of a style-failure in practice, lethargic and worst of all, I deal with my self-loathing with a generous helping of apathy. This probably stems from the fact that every time I have tried improvement, I have failed.. or at least not accomplished my goals soon enough.

That is perhaps my greatest character flaw. I have an overflowing of ambition, but undermine myself entirely with a lack of perseverence. The phrase "anything worth doing takes time" angers me. I am the kind of person who will go to extremes to achieve quick results and rapid changes, but for many life-altering situations, these positive changes do not occur in moments, days, or sometimes months at a time. This is something I need to learn - patience. It frustrates and angers me even now. "Haven't I been patient enough? Haven't I gone through enough struggle, enough torture?" echoes in my mind.

But maybe... I need to let go of the past, forget the shortcomings and almost-successes I witnessed myself fall through in the past, and concentrate only now on what is in front of me.

This I know, it is time for a big change... I just need to know where to start.