Nowadays I seem to write when I'm sad.
I'm listening to Junior H's album. Crying, trying to force myself to eat my leftover pasta yesterday since I just got home from the gym 10 mins ago. i had an appointment at 330--canceled it.
my plans for today were taken away from me.
original plans included to be with my mom and go to the county fair--she bailed since she picked up a shift.
backup plan was to see my boyfriend after he got off at 6pm. asked me in the morning to see him earlier around 5. agreed.
i was at the gym when he called me recalling that it's fathers day... i knew what that meant. said "maybe I can see you tomorrow" yeah, maybe...
i tried so hard to not let a tear fall down my eyes. in public.
why couldn't you remember it was fathers day and cancel on me last minute? our phone call in the morning was 6 mins long.
the night before I stopped hearing from him at 7pm until he called me at 1117 to tell me he's super busy and tell me goodnight. brief call.
I feel so disconnected from you. I am incredibly lonely and I know that it's not your fault but you tell me you're my pillar.
Who do I turn to when I have these feelings if it's not you?
I just want more communication from you. It should be obvious. Do you not care or are you too busy to think about that?
I'm hurting inside filling up with perfidious thoughts just to feel something. It's incredibly illogical.
If you are too busy to handle me, let me go. I want more, I require more. I want affection, I want attention, I want validation.
I don't know what to do.
I fantasize about meeting an older man who understands these feelings. A man who knows how important having a woman in his life is important and demonstrates it--not just says and thinks it.
A man I can dote on and is ready to let me meet his parents after building that connection and spending time together. A man that can show me the world and isn't afraid to show me off either. Not kept a secret.
Not a man who has a curfew. Not a man who can't sleep over at his partners house. Not a man who listens to every beck and call his parents spill at him at any time of the day at nearly 25. But a man who is ready to fight for what he knows he wants. A man who can stand up for love and more. Love is never enough.
I feel hollow inside but the tears won't stop flowing.
There are men out there READY and it kills me that Im here....waiting. and for what?
Will I regret this in the future? Or is it worth sticking out for? I am almost 30.
It's my life and I want to be happy. I have to take charge.
Do YOU know what you want?
You're not there for me at these moments that matter the most because they deal with you.
What is it that I'm doing?
It's not worth seeing you for 3 hours tomorrow or Tuesday. I can't see you Wednesday and you'll be gone thursday for the weekend.
It feels like I'm with a boy trying to be with a man.
At the gym I thought about how it would be nice to be working out as a couple. To run errands together. To eat together. To wake up to someone everyday that I feel secure enough and perhaps even get tired of you and do my own things.
We only meet once a week for ~8-9 hours and then you're gone again for another 7 days.
Maybe our lifestyles are too different. If you end up moving to LA I couldn't do it. It's hard enough only seeing you once a week.
Is it foolish to keep going? Seems like it's just for now to me. That I'm not in your future plans and it kills me. I'm wasting time. This is just my negative talk taking over me... i don't think you can be that cruel to hurt me when I have stated multiple times my intentions with you. at least I hope not.
what would dr. laura tell me? my mindset on relationships have been shifting so much. i don't think he'll change. it'll only get worse if we progress...
how do I meet someone new? how do I process these feelings? how can I communicate when I already have?
this isn't the relationship I want. this isn't the man I want. what am I doing?