Today is another day.
I'm currently at the library reading my philosophy lecture listening with one airpod "Pretty Sad" by TS Gray--on repeat. It's my go-to sad girl song.
I've been up since 0430. Took my brother to work at 5 and then just been getting my day started. Showered, at breakfast at 0630 and started doing laundry and vacuuming my room. Lit a candle and played jazz in the background. Pretty relaxing.
At around 0713, I sent a heartfelt text to him that I didn't get a response until nearly 11. "Hey"...
That's when things started to roll downhill and my mood has been stuck at. On the brightside, I only cried twice and it was for like less than a minute each.
He told me a lot of things I didn't expect to hear. I thought that was going to be our last phonecall. He says because I'm not in love with him, he's not in love with me, even though he's told me that multiple times in the past. How does that happen? Why be with me still? It seems to be conditional love. Kept telling me about how he's not one foot out the door, but facing it. How does one take that? What am I supposed to think? My mind has been in turmoil since. Do I keep pursuing it? What can change if things are shit now? Can you regrow feelings once they dissolve? My heart is breaking. I feel sadness and pain deep inside me. Lots of processing in my head. I'm losing faith. The flame is burning itself off. I don't even know his true feelings. I want to be with him but at this point in time, it doesn't seem like there's a future. I love him but what else? His words cut me and they linger like poison to my mind. Numbing my body. Do I stop? Do I move? Do I go? Where does this path take me? What am I truly providing for this man who is so unhappy with me? Even if I were to make him happy I worry about how it's not the same. I feel we are too different. I feel we've grown apart. I feel I destroyed it and it's too late to come back. I recognize this, but what can I do about it? What can I say to him that won't be taken out of context? I'm walking on eggshells. "99.9% of guys would've left your ass if they saw what I did"...bringing up the past. Brings up the private messages between my best friend and I. Bringing up the past. I lose in every situation. I'm at a big disadvantage. Nothing I can say against him because my previous actions get thrown to my face again and again. He could cheat on me and it wouldn't be enough. He could talk to other girls behind my back and delete their conversations and I would never know. At work he gets hit on and girls give him their number. He tells me he throws them away. One day he tells me that he's happy with me and that I've done so much for him as a woman than anyone else has ever done and the next day he tells me he's not happy at all. The time we didn't speak to each other the past day and a half really put things in perspective for him. He changed. Thursdays bar challenge that he hosted made me think someone caught his eye. He was talking to me like I was old news--or maybe that was in my head. I don't know. Nothing feels right. He's said that things are changing and that they're "even getting awkward".
Philosophy helped me with some practice on detaching from the sadness. I'm going to practice that.
I may be old news to him, but I'm fresh news to someone else.