Monday, February 23, 1998
Once In A Lifetime
Chapter 1
When you just give love
And never get love
You better let love depart
I know it's so
Yet I know
I can't get you out of my heart
Ally: I sense the ick.
Renee: Already? You haven't even had a real date yet.
Ally: I know, but I'm feeling the ick, and since he's my boss I don't want to go out with him just to get hit with the ick.
Renee: Then tell him.
Ally: Tell him?
Renee: Tell him.
Ally: How?
Renee: How?
Ally: Renee!
Renee: Look. Why don't you just go through with the date?
Ally: Because then he'll blame himself. I know John Cage. He'll think he did something wrong. If I cancel the date, he'll think he is something wrong. What's better, to blow it or not stand a chance?
Renee: I don't know. But what we both do know, the Biscuit has a nose for the truth. So you'd better be straight. Just tell him he just doesn't do it for you.
Ally: Maybe it would be easier on him just to go on one date. I could be really really boring, and he would lose interest.
Renee: Ally, if you like John Cage as much as you say you do, you know what has to be done.
Ally: I have to dump him.
Renee: You must.
Chapter 2
Elaine: Of course it's not a criticism from me. But I know that when Richard hired you, he was expecting you to bill 200 hours a month. And under that yardstick, which of course isn't mine, you've been a disappointment.
Ally: Thank you, Elaine.
John: Ally.
Ally: Hey, John. Better get inside.
Richard: Come, come, come, come, come on. Come on, come on, come on ... John, John, John, John. First up, Zelda Hughes wants to retain us to sue Burger King, claims this crispier taste of their french fries was all her idea. I haven't officially said yes to her.
Billy: What do you mean, her idea?
Richard: She wrote them a letter saying their fries should be more crispy and taste better. Thinks they stole her idea. What can I say?
John: That's just stupid, Richard. Speed it up. Next.
Richard: Next up. Seymore Little, artist, new client. He wants to retain us
Ally: Seymore Little? The Seymore Little?
Richard: The very one. He wants to retain…
Ally: Oh wait, no, no, no. He, he's our client? I, I, I majored in art history. He's the Seymore Little? I get to meet him?
Richard: You can get to represent him. He wants to get married. His son won't let him. He's retained us.
Ally: What do you mean, his son won't let him?
Richard: He was deemed mentally incompetent two years ago. Evidently he's a bit of a cracker. But of course since we represent the cracker, we won't be taking that position. He wants to marry. His son thinks the woman's really after his money.
John: Oh balls. Move on.
Richard: I won't pretend to care what's bothering you. But I do care very much as to how it affects me. That kind of blatant disrespect in there is unacceptable. You got that?
John: I'm sorry.
Richard: You should be! Okay. Bygones.
John: I feel a waffle.
Richard: A what?
John: A waffle. She's retreating.
Richard: Who?
John: Ally. Something has occasioned her emotional recalcitrance.
Richard: Have you kissed her yet?
John: Not really.
Richard: John, if you don't kiss a girl on a first date, you're a gentleman. If you don't on a second, you're gay.
John: I don't wanna come off a predator.
Richard: Listen to me. All that stuff about feminism, autonomy, gender equality, women don't really want that. They want to be taken!
John: They do?
Richard: I'm not saying cavemen. And don't do anything against her consent. But you have to initiate some aggressiveness. You are the man.
John: That logic disconcerts me.
Richard: Grab her hand sometimes. You squeeze her neck in the back. It's half massage, half "you belong to me." Sometimes you hold her by both shoulders. Women need to feel dominated even when they say they don't. For God's sake, kiss her. The body talks, "You're mine. You feel my dominion. You wanna surrender to it." Off we go.
John: Georgia.
Georgia: John.
Chapter 3
Ally: He's in there?
Elaine: With his bride-to-be. I'd call her a tramp if i were one to judge
Ally: Yes. Were you one.
Ally: Mr. Little, hi. I'm Ally McBeal. This is such an honor for me. I'm such a huge fan of your work.
Seymore: Tell someone who cares. Send in the lawyer, will you?.
Ally: I am the lawyer.
Seymore: Dressed like that?
Paula: Seymore!
Seymore: Well, look at your skirt. Go tell your boss I want pants. While you're at it, tell him to throw in a penis!
Paula: Seymore!
Seymore: Men make the best lawyers. That makes me a chauvinist?
Richard: How's it going?
Ally: He wants a penis.
Seymore: Get me a real lawyer, Fish. No real lawyer wears a short skirt like that. I want pants.
Richard: Mr Little, you may be wealthy . You may be famous. But you will not insult my attorneys. Go change your clothes. This woman is an excellent lawyer. Go go go.
Ally: No. You want me, you take me the way I'm dressed.
Billy: What's the matter?
Richard: Good. Pants. Penis. Co-counsel. Done.
Ally: Richard, Richard, Richard! Hold on a minute. Maybe we should just let Billy…
John: Ally.
Ally: John. What's up?
John: Well, dinner, tomorrow night, eight, we'll go right from here.
Ally: Sure.
John: Excellent.
Paula: And since he has a legal guardian, the court says he has no capacity to consent to marriage.
Seymore: And my son won't give the consent.
Paula: But we're told that we can get it by court order.
Billy: Okay, well, I'm gonna play devil's advocate here. You're 60 years apart.
Seymore: New math, huh?
Paula: Mr Thomas, we know it seems silly to the outside world. But he's not incompetent.
Billy: So why does your son say you are?
Seymore: Because he's trying to control me. All I want to do is to get married and open a little gallery. And he won't let me!
Billy: She wants his money.
Ally: Well, they didn't exactly look like a perfect match. I mean, two of them having sex…
Billy: Speaking of strange bed fellows, you and John Cage?
Ally: Well, he uh… He kind of surprised me.
Billy: I cannot exactly say I see you two…
Ally: What? Because he's odd? I actually like odd.
Ally: There's no body in there.
Billy: It definitely came from that stall.
Ally: Oh, hey, John.
John: Ally. Billy.
Billy: How's it going?
Ally: Well, we heard somebody flush the toilet, so...
John: Oh, I, I flushed the toilet.
Ally: Excuse me? You have a remote toilet flusher?
John: Sometimes people leave in haste, forgetting to flush. Other times there are residual remnants. I like a fresh bowl.
Billy: Why don't you just flush the toilet before by hand?
John: My regularity is easily thrown. Unclean bowls trouble me. Well, excuse me.
Chapter 4
Sam: The guardianship is not based on insanity. It's on incompetence to make daily decisions which necessarily affect his life. There is a difference.
Billy: I know that. And we don't have to begin on a hostile note.
Sam: You're accusing me of mistreating my father. It's difficult not to take that personally, Mr Thomas.
Ally: He thinks you're trying to control his money. Is that true?
Sam: Well, yes, but that's sort of the point. He's not capable of running his own affairs. He still talks to my mother. She's been dead for seven years. He has conversations with her.
Ally: Well, that doesn't necessarily make him incompetent. Lots of people speak to the dead.
Sam: Yes, well, she speaks back. Last July she asked for a boat. He bought her a 300,000 dollar yacht.
Ally: Okay, but why not let him marry, if that's what makes him happy?
Sam: Ms McBeal, I would love for my father to meet somebody and move on with his life. But I'm telling you he's not moving past my mother's death.
Ally: Then why does he wanna marry this girl?
Sam: I don't know. I do know that he's not in love with her.
Ally: How can you be so sure?
Sam: I know my father.
Billy: Could you be more specific?
Sam: There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving no matter how hard they try. My father met that somebody. I wouldn't expect you to understand that or even believe it. But trust me. There are some loves that just don't go away.
Chapter 5
Ally: Mr Little, the judge might view communication with the dead person as a form of mental unfitness.
Seymore: We were together for 56 years. If I wanna talk to her after she's dead, I'll do it. And when she wants to talk back to me, that's her privilege. You never know the once-in-a-life-time love, hmm?
Ally: I pray not.
Billy: All right, other than general competency, we're also faced with undue influence. That means you.
Seymore's bride-to-be: What about me?
Billy: Like it or not, it's gonna look like you're after his money.
Ally: Mr Little, we will go into court if that's what you want. But we have to be honest about something. This could be terribly painful.
Seymore: Lean forward skirt-less. Lean forward. My wife died. My son went to court and had me declared incompetent. Now, what kind of pain do you have in store for me that I don't already know about?
Love brings such misery and pain, yeah
I guess some never be the same.
Richard: What are you doing? Are you depressed?
John: What?
Richard: You do that to fight despair. You think I don't know that?
John: I also do it for focus. In this case, hypothalamus isometrics. The brain actually fires courtship neurons. I'd like to stretch them before a date.
Richard: Ah. You're ready? What's the matter?
John: I'm a poor kisser. I secrete excess saliva.
Richard: You do?
John: It could perhaps save my life should I be lost in the desert. On a date, it's debilitating. Sometimes it…
Richard: Excess saliva…
John: I'm inclined to just give her a peck. But Cheanie did that. She was offended.
Richard: Talk to Billy.
John: Billy?
Richard: Certain women like to be kissed in certain ways. Some like to turn their head to the left. Others to the right. Maybe the tilt, three-quarters. Some like the flat-tongue French kiss. Others the tip flutters. Some like to lead with the lower lip. What?
John: These are more issues than I was prepared to address.
Richard: What I'm saying is Billy grew up kissing Ally. He would know what she's like in the mouth. Yeah!