Depression (2025)

◆ January 2025

I returned to Toyama on the 28th.

I went to Favore Toyama, ate omurice, got a haircut, visited Komeda Coffee, and tried the ramen shop “Muteppou.”
I also went to Sauna Taroto Yama, ate ramen at Marutakaya, had osechi cuisine, and visited a shrine for the first prayer of the year.
Later, I went to Sauna Taroto Yama again for the second time and stopped by Starbucks as well.

Life at my parents’ house was busy every day, which left me no time to think about unpleasant things. In a way, that actually helped me.

I tried using “Smart Letter Light” for the first time. Doing something new made me feel good and lifted my spirits.

I also worked on reflecting on everything that happened since I got sick. It took a long time, but I managed to get through it. I felt once again that recovery still takes time. Out of the 20 months I’ve been on leave, I’ve only had about a month and a half of truly good days. No wonder returning to work has been so difficult.

Around this time, I was running for 45 minutes at ChocoZAP.

Every day, I made a list of things to do by the end of the day and tried to complete everything on it. But I eventually ran out of ideas and had to revise the list.

My second daughter asked me for help because she couldn’t print something, so I did my best to assist her. It made me realize that doing things for others feels good.

I took my wedding ring to a jewelry shop and had it cleaned.

When I cleaned the house, time passed quickly, and during those moments, the sense of guilt I always carry felt a little lighter.

I got a book on interpersonal therapy and started studying it.

I kept a strict schedule from 8:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. It had some benefits, but I also began to feel that I might be overworking myself. I felt I needed to slow down more, even within that schedule. I tend to push myself too hard with everything.

I looked at the company iPad and saw how much my junior colleagues had grown. I know I’m on leave due to illness and that it can’t be helped, but adjusting my feelings was harder than I expected.

Even when I went to the sauna, I was still battling feelings of guilt.

Starting Mercari all began with selling a reference book. At first, I felt unsure—“Is it really okay for me to be doing this?” I wasn’t sure whether it was acceptable to include Mercari tasks during my scheduled work hours.

The content of the interpersonal therapy book was heavy, and reading it often made my mood sink.

I managed to complete my tasks until 5:30, but after that I became tired and found myself unable to enjoy anything.

Some people told me that Mercari could be considered part of my “decluttering” and therefore acceptable as a task during my scheduled hours, but I just couldn’t bring myself to think that way.

However, toward the end of the month, I gradually started being able to do things I enjoyed on my days off.

I began to feel that interpersonal therapy didn’t suit me. When I practiced cognitive behavioral therapy, I didn’t feel as down, but this method made my mood drop much more often.

Whenever I turned on the TV, it was nothing but news about the Fuji TV scandal.

◆ February 2025

While running at ChocoZAP, I was watching The Apothecary Diaries, but there were so many characters that I couldn’t remember all their names, and eventually gave up. It wasn’t that the story wasn’t interesting.

In the afternoon, as usual, I tried to work through my daily tasks, but since the weather was nice, staying inside felt like a waste. So I went out for a walk instead. I didn’t finish all the tasks within the scheduled time, but I think it was a good change of pace.

I was getting used to Mercari and managed to sell all the iPhones I no longer used. I even looked around the house for anything else that might sell.

My second daughter had been struggling mentally, so I created a list of stress-relief methods for her, but she never ended up using it.

When my camera sold, I got so excited that I couldn’t fall asleep easily.

My weight dropped below 82 kg.

I used my lunch break to prepare things for Mercari as well.

During work hours, I focused on my tasks, and outside of those hours, it felt like every day was filled with listing items, packing, and shipping things for Mercari.

When I’m sleep-deprived, I tend to start thinking negatively.

There were days when I spent the entire day doing Mercari-related tasks. Mercari is fun, and time passes quickly, but I sometimes wondered if it was really okay for me to spend so much time on it.

Surprisingly, this was when I used “Yu-Packet Mini” for the first time.

While preparing boxes for Mercari during lunch breaks, I sometimes caught myself thinking, “What am I doing with my life?”

I cleaned my desk, and after removing a monitor I wasn’t using, the space felt larger and refreshing. But when I took the monitor to BookOff, they told me it was worth 0 yen. It wasn’t broken, so I found it strange.

My weight eventually dropped below 80 kg.

As something I “normally wouldn’t do,” I ordered White Day gifts online. It was part of the “try something new” task from cognitive behavioral therapy.

I started collecting Komiyama Haruka’s merch on Mercari, thinking I wouldn’t be able to get any after she graduates.

On Sundays, I focused mainly on Mercari work so I wouldn’t be overwhelmed during the weekdays.

During an occupational health interview, I asked, “Is rework training mandatory?” The doctor said I should discuss it with my primary doctor and that it wasn’t something he could say was absolutely required.

At Doutor, I planned out a strategy for my daily routine:

• Set fixed sleep and wake times

• Decide the time to leave the house and the train to take

• Wear a suit on days I take the train

• For now, make Wednesdays “suit days”

• Record the morning drama instead of watching it live

• Avoid looking at my smartphone during work hours

Basically, I decided to start with Wednesdays and gradually add more steps as I go.

◆ March 2025

The industrial physician told me that “spending eight hours a day at the library is close to the working environment at the company,” but when I thought about it carefully, sitting for eight hours straight isn’t healthy in the first place. They also said that staying at home gives me too much freedom and they wouldn’t know if I fell asleep, but based on my experience with working from home, I was confident that I wouldn’t slack off or play around.

When I went to Shinjuku for counseling, I used to go straight home afterward, but I decided to start stopping by places on the way back.

• Ate “curry udon” at Senkichi

• Drank milk tea at EXCELSIOR in Sendagaya

• Shopped at Shimojima in Asakusabashi
  　I still find it fun to look at stationery

• Stopped by ChocoZAP in Higashi-Funabashi before going home

Recently, there haven’t been many negative things to write in my journal, and I can tell that I’m gradually improving.

While studying Excel, I’ve been finding more and more things that surprise me—“I didn’t know it could do this!”

I attended Komiyama Haruka’s “photobook handover event.” I was completely satisfied and felt that I want her to stay in AKB48 for a long time.

I started waking up at 6 a.m. on Sundays too, just like on weekdays. I spent the day doing all the things I wanted to do.

On Wednesday, I was able to simulate the commuting route. I also found a nice café, so I think I’ll use it for work sessions from now on. Though, if I go every week, they might start to think I’m suspicious…

I looked into financial planners and learned that it’s a national qualification. Even though I also hold a national qualification—First-Class Architect—I feel like it hasn’t been useful at all, and that made me feel a bit disappointed.

My family of five went on a trip to Boso. My tooth hurt and it was tough, but I still enjoyed it. I feel like I often get toothaches when I travel.

I saw the term “NFT” on the Mercari app and decided to look into it. I learned that it involves cryptocurrency, so I studied cryptocurrency as well.

I started reading novels, and reading books has become something I look forward to.

I remembered the time when I was working from home, and that made me feel a bit down.

Morisia Tsudanuma was closing at the end of March.
When I visited about five days before the closing date, the place was in a terrible state.
It made me feel sick.

I bought a book about Mercari on Mercari itself and read it.

When I checked my company iPad for the first time in a while, I saw an internal HR newsletter, and a junior colleague had been promoted.
It made me question whether everything I had done up until now was really right.

◆ April 2025

I decided to study at a fixed time every day, and to learn anything that interested me—even if it had nothing to do with architecture.

I also decided that outside of that fixed study time, I wouldn’t study at all.

Because I was practicing my commute, I watched the entire week’s episodes of the morning drama Anpan on Saturdays.

Studying felt enjoyable in some ways, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure what goal I should be aiming for.

During this period, I was spending quite a lot of money due to the commuting practice, so I started thinking that I needed to cut back a little.

At the time, my commuting practice involved going all the way to the station closest to my company and then turning back, but it took more than two hours to return and wasn’t realistic. So I decided to turn back at a station partway instead.

I started drawing on my iPad, and I got into trouble with a foreign user regarding the NFTs I uploaded (details omitted).

During this time, my daily cycle was: commuting practice and ChocoZAP in the morning, then studying until my fixed end time in the afternoon.

Both my wife and I were overthinking “what will happen after I return to work.” But I gradually came to feel that this period was actually “time off to prepare for returning,” and that instead of worrying about what I can or can’t do after going back, it might be better to experience and try as many things as possible now—it could be beneficial later.

At ChocoZAP, I set a weekly routine: running on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and strength training on Tuesday and Thursday.

I took over cleaning the bathroom from my wife, but I couldn’t help thinking a little, “You don’t have to be that particular about it…”

On weekends, I spent the mornings catching up on recorded TV shows and the afternoons drawing on my iPad.

◆ May 2025

Even though I should be working hard with the mindset of returning to work, that motivation has been fading. Or rather, a part of me feels, “Maybe it’s fine to stay the way things are now.” I’ve been doing the same job for 20 years, yet seeing myself like this makes me feel ashamed.

During the weekdays of Golden Week, I went to ChocoZAP, but aside from that I mostly gave myself free time. I didn’t even go to ChocoZAP during the last four consecutive days off.

I opened my company iPad for the first time in a while. Someone else was now running my department. Naturally, the work continues even without me, and I couldn’t help but wonder whether I would even be useful if I returned.

I think my physical condition has been improving.

Around this time, I became absorbed in drawing, and it helped me forget the passage of time.

When studying, I remembered how much free time I had as a university student, yet I barely studied or read books. After starting work, life became all about my job, and the time I had for free learning disappeared completely.

During this period, my daily routine was “commuting practice → ChocoZAP → my tasks (studying or cleaning until the set time).” At ChocoZAP, I alternated between muscle training days and running days.

My naps started getting longer. Studying also grew tiring, and I began to wonder, “Is this really functioning as rest?”

Until then, I had set specific times for tasks, like “40 minutes,” but I started thinking that a “stop when I feel tired” method might be better.

At the hospital, they told me, “Setting daily tasks is good, but it might also help to have one weekday off.” So I decided to take Wednesdays off, and after going to ChocoZAP, I would skip studying and go to the sauna instead. I thought the sauna would make me feel refreshed, but it didn’t, and I even felt guilty during the break time. I figured the sudden change in rhythm was the reason, so I decided to try again the next week.

I finished reading the books I had set as tasks one after another. But since I still had plenty of books left to read, I continued. I wanted to finish the psychology book, but I began feeling unwell and gave up midway.

For some reason, I didn’t feel motivated to draw on my iPad on weekends. When I forced myself to draw the next day, I enjoyed it and even watched some videos, but I did end up feeling tired.

Getting a haircut at the barbershop made me feel refreshed.

Every time I looked at the calendar, I found myself thinking, “May is ending. When will I get better? When will I return to work?”

I went to the sauna again the next Wednesday. I expected to feel unwell like before, but that didn’t happen, so I felt relieved.

After laying artificial grass on the balcony, I somehow started feeling sleepy in the evening, and I made no progress on my tasks.

I wondered if it was really good to force myself to keep working when I was sleepy.

Regarding my tasks, I found them extremely tiring. The content didn’t stick in my head, and the more I tried to do things properly, the more it exhausted me. I also felt guilty, so even when I sat at my desk, I wished I could be a little more relaxed.

◆ June 2025

I was looking for shoes that I could wear to the office and still be able to exercise in.

I started looking at other people’s NFT works to study them.

I also read a book about ChatGPT. It’s great that things are becoming more convenient, but it also made me wonder, “Is this really okay?”

As for my daily tasks, I shifted to a method where I only did what I wanted, for as long as I wanted.

When running at ChocoZAP, I was always thinking about what videos to watch.

Someone suggested, “Instead of working on tasks until your fixed time, why not try shortening the hours?” So I tried it, but it didn’t seem to suit me.

A sense of laziness began to creep into my studying, and I started feeling that I might be getting tired of studying itself.

My motivation for drawing weakened a bit, but once I actually started drawing, I found I could concentrate well, which felt good.
I no longer knew what I was supposed to do to improve my condition.

On Wednesday, I skipped the sauna and spent the entire day drawing on my iPad. I felt a little guilty, but I was so focused on drawing that I didn’t have much mental space to think about anything else. Even after getting out of the bath, I continued drawing.

I found that doing housework first thing after lunch helped wake me up.

Through NFTs, I had opportunities to talk with various people overseas, but most of them turned out to be scammers.

Things I wanted to try:

• Study work-related topics (quit immediately if I feel discomfort)

• If I run out of energy during my fixed hours, switch to drawing on the iPad

• When visiting my parents’ home, avoid studying as much as possible other than exercising

I went back to Toyama. After going to ChocoZAP, I spent the rest of the time drawing.

Since it was Wednesday, I decided to go to “Saunataro” in the afternoon. It felt great, and I hardly felt any guilt.

When I woke up in the morning, I found that one of my NFTs had sold. It was my first sale, and I was overjoyed.

In the afternoon, I went to Saunataro for the second time that week.
I felt that, mentally, I might actually be better off when I’m back in Toyama.

I started going to ChocoZAP a little after 6 a.m. Completing it as a daily task made the rest of the day feel free, which felt good.

When I returned to Chiba, I increased my commuting practice to four days a week (previously two).

I continued feeling sleepy in the evenings. I wondered whether I could really handle working eight hours a day, five days a week, in this condition.

I had a meeting with my boss. It felt like half small talk and half discussion about the company’s situation and my condition. I was relieved to get through it somehow.

On my days off, I set drawing on the iPad as my main goal.

I continued to feel sleepy day after day.

◆ July 2025

I began sleeping well at night and stopped taking naps during the day.

I realized that drawing before my fixed study hours didn’t feel right, so I decided to stop doing that.

During commuting practice, I had been buying drinks every time, which was wasteful. So I started bringing tea from home instead. This turned out to be the right choice.

Thinking it over, it made sense that I felt sleepy in the evening since I exercised in the morning. I tried running for just 15 minutes, and I managed to get through the day without a nap. I was also able to complete most of my tasks.

I changed my running time to 30 minutes (previously 45). As a result, I didn’t feel sleepy in the afternoon.

I returned to Toyama again. This time, I planned to study whenever I wasn’t driving, but in the end, it didn’t go very well.

My birthday passed quietly and uneventfully.

I tried to draw on my day off, but I couldn’t come up with ideas, and completing even one piece was all I could manage.

I could tolerate the mornings somehow, but in the afternoons I became so sleepy that just making it to my fixed end time was all I could do. I started to worry that if I kept reading books at this pace, I might eventually run out of things I wanted to read.

It felt like I was gradually getting a little more free time on my days off.

I started using a timer to help me complete my tasks. Being able to split time more precisely made me feel less sleepy than before.

I had a meeting with my department. When I told my manager that I hadn’t been going to the library or to the rework program, he told me, “You should go.” Before my leave, the office had been noisy, but now it had become quiet—apparently closer to a library-like environment.

He also said that although I seemed to be doing what I wanted right now, in real work I would inevitably have to do things I didn’t like.

◆ August 2025

Although I could go to the library anytime, I first needed to find a rework (return-to-work) facility, so I hurriedly began searching for one. My plan was to attend rework only during the month of September.

When I searched online, I found a private rework facility nearby. At first, I didn’t really understand how the system worked, but I was told that in order to sign a contract with the facility, I had to apply at the city hall and obtain a beneficiary certificate. I was also told that it would take some time to get the certificate, so the official contract would probably be around October.

The rework facility was located in a corner of an office, with about ten participants. The ratio of women was relatively high. It might be unique to that facility, but even before the official contract, I was allowed to join the program for free just like contracted participants. After the contract, meal support and transportation subsidies would begin, and usage fees would be charged. They would also assist with the paperwork.

On the first day I went for a trial, I was told, “Please get the latest submission documents from the city hall,” so I went straight there that day and picked up the materials. However, I didn’t understand the contents, so I called the city hall—but that only confused me further, so I decided to go back in person to ask questions directly.

As I looked at the documents at home, many doubts began to surface. Was there really any point in attending rework? Was I even eligible to register in the first place? My anxiety grew.

The required documents were three types: one for myself, one for my primary doctor, and one for my employer. When I consulted with my psychiatrist, he said he would write the opinion letter positively. Working backward from that, my return-to-work goal became “early December.” Since I wasn’t visiting the clinic every week, I would receive the opinion letter on August 30.

By this time, I was largely able to spend my days off doing things I enjoyed.

My daily routine became: commute training, ChocoZAP (gym), rework, and the library. The time I had previously spent doing personal assignments was now replaced by rework and the library. Rework was from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.

The rework program had a set schedule: if the morning session was group work, the afternoon would be individual work, and the opposite on other weeks. Group work involved discussing topics with others—something I couldn’t have done alone. Individual work also consisted of assigned tasks, which provided a healthy amount of structure, very different from the self-directed study I had been doing before.

At first, I could still go to the library even after rework, and I felt fulfilled. But the two hours at the library were always a battle against sleepiness.

I was mostly planning to attend that rework facility, but I decided to listen to the explanation session at the Chiba Vocational Center just in case. There were only six participants in the session, and since I was the only one taking notes, I got the impression that the others had already decided to enroll.

The vocational center had about 50 users, with more practical programs and qualified counselors, making it a well-developed facility. I felt a bit disappointed—if I had come earlier, I might have chosen this one instead. The major differences were that it was completely free, that there were no transportation or meal subsidies, and that attendance for at least three months was required.

The documents required for the employer would be prepared by the rework facility, which would contact my company directly.

In a previous occupational doctor meeting (in February), I had been told that “rework is not mandatory,” so I asked HR to confirm whether I truly needed to attend. They replied, “Rework is required for reinstatement.” Had they told me earlier, I could have started the process sooner, and I felt disappointed.

For some reason, my motivation to work had disappeared. Even though my target return date was set for early December, I no longer felt any sense of urgency. I felt that although my physical strength had improved, my mind wasn’t catching up.

I went back to Toyama again. I thought I wouldn’t be able to visit once rework started in full. This time, my goal was to complete my usual tasks while prioritizing shopping and cleaning. But in the end, I didn’t make much progress with the tasks.

◆ September 2025

I was finally able to return to the rework program. Once all the required documents were ready, I brought them to the city hall. I expected to be asked some questions, but the documents were accepted without any issues. The interview was scheduled for October 2, and the wait until then felt long.

Around this time, I started waking up at the same time on weekends as on weekdays. I spent my free time cleaning the bathroom, polishing my nails, and doing small things. I was even able to draw on my iPad again for the first time in a while.

Things I learned in the rework program’s group sessions:

• Stress relief methods

• Burnout syndrome

• Weather-related depression
  … and so on.

Even at this stage, lack of sleep still made me irritable during the day.

When I asked my doctor, “What condition do I need to be in to be allowed to return to work?”, I received the following answers:

• Basically, I am considered ready to return.

• Since the doctor only began seeing me mid-treatment, it is difficult to determine whether I’ve returned to my pre-leave state.

• Based on my current efforts and the tasks I’ve completed, returning to work seems possible.

• My return has been delayed only because rework was deemed mandatory.

• This is not the kind of illness that “completely heals,” so continued treatment is necessary.

• The doctor will prepare the certificate after checking my condition post-rework.

• Regarding the library: “Just going there as a form of training is enough.”

It was decided that I would receive the medical certificate on November 8.

The plan became: attend rework through the end of October, then return to Toyama once more, begin a trial return-to-work period (normally one month), and then officially return in early December.

I realized that having plenty of time in the morning for my routine made me feel good. It required preparing things the night before, but I wanted to continue this habit.

I used to designate Thursday as my cleaning day, but since I was now waking up early on weekends, I figured I could consolidate the cleaning then. So I changed my cleaning schedule.

Around this time, I decided to start a blog. Unlike Facebook, where I didn’t know who was reading, a blog shows view counts and is open to the general public. Instead of drawing on my iPad, I found myself writing my thoughts in blog posts.

When I checked my weight, it had dropped below 78 kg. My efforts were finally showing results.

During the occupational doctor meeting, I was told, “The trial return period isn’t even a full month,” which left me confused.

The library had become a place where I was just “being there,” so I stopped going. I had reached the point where I could say, “It’s fine. I don’t need to force it anymore.”

During commute training, I began oversleeping more often. At the rework facility, drinks were free, and I had been drinking coffee constantly—maybe that was the reason.

Rework had a weekly “café time” on Fridays, a designated time for casual conversation meant to improve social communication skills. With many women in the group, it was hard for me to take the initiative in conversations.

Three people at the rework program asked me, “Did you get a haircut?” I thought, “You can see that, can’t you?” But I realized it was just a friendly way to start a conversation.

◆ October 2025

The eligibility assessment was conducted by an older woman, who asked me questions little by little while mixing in casual conversation. It was memorable how her expression changed only when she reached an important question.

At the end, she said, “Alright, that’s the end of the interview. Starting tomorrow, you can officially attend the rework program,” and the assessment was completed.

Even while attending rework, there were times when I felt irritated. I began to wonder if the irritation building up was a bad sign—maybe it meant that the effects of the rework program hadn’t fully taken hold yet.

Since I only had one month in the program, I think I also felt pressured to achieve some kind of result within that limited time. It seemed that giving participants small challenges and having them overcome them was part of the rework strategy.

In mid-October, there was an AKB48 handshake event. The next day, my body felt light, and I was finally able to listen to music through earphones during commute training—a small but significant step forward.

As the date of my return to work approached, I felt my mood dip a little. I wondered whether I would truly be able to work the way I intended during “on” time, and whether I could stay true to myself—that, I felt, would be the key.

It was confirmed that I would receive my medical certificate for returning to work on November 8.

I also thought that if I continued rework for the sake of preventing a relapse but still ended up relapsing, then perhaps that would be the right time to leave the company.

Regarding perfectionism, I honestly believe that part of the cause lies in the habits I’ve built over the past 20 years, and maybe I need to start changing those.

At this time, I was waking up at the same hour on weekends as on weekdays. I had settled into a routine of commute training, going to the gym, and attending rework.

There was a day when all the running machines at Chocozap were occupied and I couldn’t run. My body felt off that whole day, which made me realize again how much running helped relieve stress and kept me balanced.

I also discovered that I have a tendency to get irritated easily. I don’t think I would have realized this if I hadn’t gone to rework. Back when I was quietly completing my tasks alone, I hardly interacted with anyone other than my doctor. But once I began attending rework and interacting with staff and other participants, there were moments when irritation surfaced—and I think it was actually a good thing to become aware of that.

◆ November 2025

I went back to Toyama.
This time, I mostly acted as a driver for shopping trips, and spent the rest of the time relaxing.
It truly felt like “the last break,” and I think it was a fulfilling one.

On November 8, I received the medical certificate approving my return to work.

I was happy, and in some ways, even a little excited.

That concludes the record of everything up until receiving the return-to-work certificate.

—By the way, today is December 13.
I still haven’t returned to work yet.