March 2023
I started feeling unwell, and when I went to the hospital, I was told,
"Further improvement with medication will be difficult. You should consider adjusting your work or taking a leave."
I took a week off, but I didn’t feel any better, so I informed my boss that I would be taking leave.
Anxiety became stronger, and I couldn’t concentrate on work.
The anxiety I had previously felt only on weekends began appearing on weekdays as well, and my mind felt like it wasn’t functioning.
Even while resting, I didn’t know how to spend my time and was always worried.
April 2023
My condition was simply terrible.
Even going to my psychiatric appointment felt exhausting.
The doctor told me, “Just do what you enjoy,” but I couldn’t do anything.
Even when I watched TV or tried reading a book, I wanted to stop almost immediately.
I couldn’t tell whether I found things boring or whether I simply couldn’t feel any enjoyment.
I felt so unwell that I spent most of my time lying down.
I kept wondering what it even meant to “enjoy” something when nothing felt enjoyable at all.
Still, exercise was the only thing I continued.
It felt like a kind of “absolute rule” that I had to follow.
Unless I went to the gym or went out shopping, I couldn’t stay calm.
During the weekdays, everyone else was working while I was taking time off…
A heavy sense of guilt stayed with me constantly.
Perhaps due to the medication, waking up in the morning was extremely difficult.
At a convenience store ATM, I entered my PIN wrong twice and my card got locked.
When I found out my gym was closing, I was completely stunned.
Even so, I was still able to read novels—Greenhouse Days by Maiko Seo.
At that time, I would walk on the treadmill at the gym or play Fit Boxing on the Nintendo Switch.
But no matter what I did, thoughts about the work I had left behind never left my mind.
May 2023
I felt unwell and spent my days lying around.
Every day, I worried about how I should spend my time.
When I was doing something with a purpose, I didn’t feel bad.
But when I was driving, I couldn’t help thinking about work.
After Golden Week, realizing that I still had more days off left felt strangely unreal.
The doctor told me, “Doing what you want is restorative. You don’t need to do things you don’t want to do.”
But I had no idea what I really wanted to do.
At this time, I was sleeping until around 11 a.m.
When lying in bed, thoughts of “Will I really get better like this?” and “Even if I do get better, can I work as before?” constantly lingered.
I thought maybe I shouldn’t get into bed unless I was truly sleepy.
Because I felt obligated to go to the gym in the morning and go out in the afternoon, I sometimes walked to the station area.
The doctor told me, “You don’t have to think you must do anything. Taking a break itself is restorative. You should let go of your burdens and rest fully.”
June 2023
Whenever I felt a bit better, I would immediately think, “Can I really return to work?” or “What about things I left undone?”
I had a fever of around 38°C and went to the hospital, where I tested positive for COVID.
Physically, I wasn’t that bad, but mentally, I felt terrible.
My wife went to my psychiatric appointment on my behalf.
Around this time, I noticed my handwriting had become messy.
I had no motivation to do anything—reading books or watching TV didn’t help, and lying down didn’t even make me sleepy.
Even going to the gym sauna didn’t make me want to enter the cold bath.
At night, I couldn’t sleep despite taking medicine, pacing between the first and third floors for about an hour.
As summer approached, I started worrying whether I could even endure my walks.
I bought The Moon of Nomad by Yū Nagira, but couldn’t read it at all.
I thought it was because I slept during the day, making it hard to sleep at night, but that wasn’t the case.
July 2023
Before going to the gym, I felt awful, but after going and returning, I felt a slight relief.
I could only manage five minutes in the sauna.
Perhaps due to stress, I lost the strength to hold a pen.
Not only could I not sleep at night, but I also couldn’t stay still.
Even the wind from the air conditioner felt unpleasant.
The doctor told me that restlessness could be a side effect of my medication, so it was discontinued.
It was indeed akathisia (a side effect of medication).
He also suggested my messy handwriting might be due to the side effect.
After stopping the medication, the side effects gradually subsided, and I could sleep.
I started losing track of why I had fallen ill in the first place.
At this time, I read Tokyo Tower by Kaori Ekuni.
It felt nice to read a book again, hoping I could encounter something truly interesting.
With summer approaching, walks became slightly difficult.
I also began to think that maybe I could have worked if I had tried.
Additionally, the sports club I had been attending closed unexpectedly.
August 2023
I started going to ChocoZAP.
At the previous gym, I would walk for 25 minutes, but at ChocoZAP, I started by running for 15 minutes.
Most mornings were spent at ChocoZAP, and afternoons were spent walking.
Everything I did seemed to lead to guilt.
I was extremely thirsty and felt unsettled unless I drank something.
Even during walks, I drank about five bottles, including tomato juice.
Every year I went to the local festival, but this time I couldn’t enjoy it.
I realized it wasn’t the festival itself I liked—I just wanted to drink beer.
Reading was still okay, but watching videos caused guilt.
I saw an article online called “22 Ideas for Killing Time When Depressed,” but I couldn’t do any of them.
The mix of “What should I do to pass the time?” and “I feel heavy and gloomy” was overwhelming.
I went back to my parents’ house for Obon.
During that time, I felt free and didn’t feel heavy emotionally.
I did some activities that lifted my spirits a bit—going to Spa Alps, eating at Sushiro, Komeda Coffee, Pomu no Ki omelet rice, takeout pizza, Marutakaya ramen—but still felt unwell.
I felt guilty for falling behind at work.
The doctor said I seemed to be improving, but I couldn’t believe it.
I finished reading Narratage by Rio Shimamoto, but barely retained anything.
I also watched a movie, but it made me feel worse.
I felt anxious about taking such a long break.
Around this time, I started researching online:
“9 things not to do when depressed”
“7 things to do during depression recovery”
“7 things that are really painful during depression”
I was probably panicking quite a bit.
I went to eat shaved ice with my wife but wondered, “Can eating shaved ice really help me recover?”
I received an email about a meeting from the company.
I probably shouldn’t have looked, but I saw other emails too.
I got an email saying, “Please give the same lectures you gave last year.”
I immediately felt worse, thinking I had done something wrong.
Every time I looked at the calendar, I felt pain thinking, “August is almost over…”
I traveled to Katsuura with my family.
At the Underwater Observatory, I saw the duo Kaminari.
We had seafood for lunch and returned home, hardly thinking of anything unpleasant.
Though my melancholy slightly eased, my sense of guilt seemed to increase.
I still couldn’t tell if this was progress.
September 2023
At the hospital, they told me, “I think you’ve passed the peak,” but I didn’t feel that way at all.
Seeing my favorite, Haruka Komiyama, post an onigiri on social media gave me a slight boost.
However, walking around Uniqlo or AEON made me feel worse.
At this time, I was practicing ballpoint pen calligraphy, fighting hand tremors.
While feeling unwell, I received a voicemail from my boss.
It was silent, and no message was left.
Even in the evening and at night, it kept bothering me.
The next day, my boss called both my home and cell, waking me up.
The purpose was a meeting.
It was Friday, but the meeting was postponed until the next Friday.
The week in between, I was extremely stressed about the upcoming meeting.
Around this time, hand tremors worsened, making it difficult to write as I wanted.
I felt guilty about taking leave, and at the same time, anxious about whether I could actually work when returning.
I worried about when the boss would call, always considering company hours, thinking calls would only come during work.
Eventually, the boss called the day before, and the meeting turned out to be just casual conversation.
I hardly remember the details.
I bought Maiko Seo’s new novel All of the Dawn, but due to guilt, I couldn’t enjoy anything before 5:30 p.m.
October 2023
September seemed to pass in an instant.
It felt like nothing had progressed.
The diary entries were almost the same every day, losing any interest.
Still, reading novels brought a slight sense of joy.
Interestingly, while I felt guilty playing games or watching DVDs during the day, reading novels didn’t cause guilt.
When I told my wife, “I couldn’t do anything,” she asked, “Did you find something you want to do?”
By this time, doing Fit Boxing after going to ChocoZAP became my daily routine.
Even though walking should be good for the body, the guilt never disappeared.
I started waking up in the middle of the night and resumed taking sleeping pills as needed.
Walking around electronics stores on weekdays often made me feel unwell.
On days with plans, the day passed incredibly fast.
I went to see the movie We Are Yutori, Right?.
The content was entertaining, but I thought, “Could this have been shown on TV instead?”
Still, being in the cinema helped me concentrate, so it was worth going.
While practicing ballpoint pen calligraphy, I experienced hand tremors, possibly from medication side effects.
I spent over two hours organizing tax documents.
I thought doing something close to work might bring satisfaction, but instead, it left me drained.
The intense guilt about taking leave and having freedom persisted.
At the hospital, I was asked about tremors in my mouth or hands.
I replied, “My mouth doesn’t tremble, but my hands do, making writing difficult.”
November 2023
I wondered if I could really contribute to the company even after returning to work.
I questioned whether my past experience would truly be useful.
I continued waking up in the middle of the night.
Drinking tea, going to the bathroom, or lying in the living room temporarily allowed me to sleep again after a while, but it wasn’t restorative.
I visited the sauna at Sōka Health Center.
It was a very nice facility.
If I were healthier, I might have felt it was worth visiting, but since I wasn’t fully recovered, I couldn’t enjoy it much. Honestly, I wasn’t sure.
Sleepiness persisted. Sleeping felt like wasting time and made me uncomfortable.
I worried that napping might prevent nighttime sleep, and felt guilty for “doing nothing” while sleeping.
Sleeping seemed like a way to escape unpleasant or gloomy feelings, but it didn’t truly refresh me.
My wife told me, “You don’t try to be interested in anything. If you showed more interest in new things, your perspective would broaden.”
But at that time, I couldn’t bring myself to care.
Looking at my planner, I worried about what to do for this year.
Although an annual task, I was especially conflicted about buying a new one.
The doctor suggested, “Attending a rework program might help once your score reaches 70–80 points.”
I wondered what rework meant, but lacked the energy to research it, and felt gloomy thinking that my leave might continue.
While shopping, I accidentally hit a side mirror with a utility pole.
I tried not to worry, but the incident kept affecting my mood repeatedly.
Hand tremors returned, making life difficult.
I didn’t know which department to consult, but neurological medicine seemed appropriate.
I would need to check it out.
I bought a crossword puzzle book for mental diversion.
December 2023
Anxiety continued with occupational health interviews, neurology, and psychiatry appointments.
Not sleeping affected my condition, but even sleeping didn’t help.
I knew I shouldn’t lie down all the time, but fatigue and strong sleepiness made me do it.
At the occupational health interview, I had to wear a tie, but I forgot how to tie it.
I visited the neurology department.
I was told, “We won’t know until we do an MRI and blood tests,” and had an MRI at another hospital the same day.
They prescribed a mild anti-tingling medication.
My wife advised, “Do what you want to do at that moment, whether it’s reading or watching a video,” but I found it difficult.
Neurology explained that the MRI showed no issues, and my tremors were mild.
I struggled to understand my psychiatrist’s explanation.
I couldn’t tell if it was my lack of comprehension or the doctor’s unclear explanation.
Christmas came. The meal was supposed to be lavish, but I don’t remember anything.