The monster inside me

Hi, I am back here. I have nowhere to write what I really feels since here is so much more private.

I really feels terrible about myself... I am a bitch and it is a fact, the truth. People can deny that but I cannot say so for myself - because people don't know the real me.

The real me is just someone who is so bitchy and hurts people's feelings in private. I appear nice, considerate... but deep inside I aren't so. It is just a false front. I'm such a liar. Lying to people that I'm not like this but deep inside I am.

I don't want to make friends with people anymore... Because it is so... It's like troublesome and it would means me hurting the feelings of people which is seriously terrible of me. And you have to deal with so many problems and well... I don't know.

I wished I hadn't had any friends, even though it might be lonely and scary to live in this big big world without anyone you can depend. But then at least... I wouldn't need to feel so terrible about myself and being so mean, cruel, bad to people.

I should stay away from people... I have to. If not I will turn into a bigger bitch than I am right now. I wouldn't want to hurt people and cause pain to others... And i will also hurt myself in the end.

Hmm, been a while since I have had emo-ed. I guess that's a good thing, shows that I still have feelings and empathy for people.

友達

I wished you were more considerate to my feelings.I wished you had mean your promises.



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初恋

i have never express myself properly.before. ever since young,whenever i cry, whenever i expresses myself, i would just get scoldings.
When i met someone whom i can tell everything to, i thought i found someone whom i can truly relies on. I can anout everything and talking to him is so much fun. But ended up, i guessed i fall in love with him. Because he is the first guy i ever talked to so much, so close with. He is so nice to me... however, he leff, he ignored me. Maybe he feels that i am jealous easily, or that he scared i wont be able to focuz on N level.. or he just somehow hated me or something.
It sure do hurts a lot. It is only when i cried, when i started being so sad, did i realize i fall in love with him. I never knew what love is. I have never experienced it before in my entire life. It is quite embarrassing to admit that i have feelings for him, and even till now. I really hope he wont know - the existence of this blog.

My love-hate feeling for him still exist. I dont know whether to hate him or still likes him because he is such a nice guy ( not when he started to ask mr to not talk to him )



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