This morning at like 7am I went out to sunbath nearby my house where I could see the cherry blossoms blooming
I merely walked,just after five minutes and was already feelin tired.. suddenly I felt anxious just looking up at the sky.I knew anxiety might trigger soon because I hadn't had much exercise nor sleep at nights for a while, there as expected but still unpleasant and it's not something you're supposed to get used to..
I went back to my room immediately and I was suffering breathing and relaxing because my heart was racing like shit I thought my life was over.
I was shaking because of the poor blood circulation and cold.it felt like anxiety plus some other condition but cannot explain.
It felt like something pulling out my soul out of my body and the body panicking no no no no so hard the heart was racing for it's life.
I have depression and autonomic dysfunction, it reminded me of what the psychiatric doc explained back in the past , he said something like us human bodies are made of water circulation blood circulation and air or spirit.
I quite immediately called my mom who I was fighting and still overcoming to get along with for a long time ago I even believed she was a toxic parent, but for a long time I was at my limits alone and miserable , not sleeping or eating or living properly , the anxiety today was too intense I finally couldn't bear it alone after all what i've been through fighting .
I lost to my mother.
I only have her I knew.
I had to admit.
She came immediately.
I felt like a loser even more.
All what ive been holding to, those true feelings and pain are always forgotten all because of you anxiety, you always interfere my intentions in trying to let my parents know my pain and innerchild feelings.
Anxiety and depression always in the way I never have once succeeded in having understood traumatic experience s.
It always gives me only two choices when anxiety triggerslive or die.
Just those two.
I am suicidal, and if my parents were to understand me after my suicide and regretted ignoring me at last I would go down that road for them to let know their daughters true feelings.
But anxiety always isn't easy, it has no mercy my heart always looses to it, and pick live rather than that reasonable death i've been imagining for it to come true.
I'm wondering now, beside my mom, shoukd I keep loosing to this anxiety continuing on with this complicated life or just beat the hell out of it no matter what even if it risks my life.
I'm always wondering that.
But in the meantime i'm too weak to accept reality
Life is too cruel and depression is starting to sound too selfish , i am so confused..