We have all worked with patients at the rehab center who come to us with a strong condemnation of themselves for being an addict/ alcoholic..."I should have known better," "how did I end up this way?" "Why can't I just stop like my uncle did?" I think it is one thing to admit being an alcoholic/addict and another to come to some level of acceptance. One seems to be a matter of the head, the other a matter of the heart. Acceptance of course can take years. The principles of the 12 Steps certainly have the power, when rigorously worked, to take away the hold of shame and anger at being afflicted with a truly cunning disease that is still thought by some to be a "choice." Sometimes family members are included in the "some" who see drug addiction and alcoholism as a massive character flaw or personal failure. Thankfully, we know better. I have worked with the families of addicts/ alcoholics for quite a few years now and I see the same hurt, pain, confusion, guilt, and shame in them that I see in many of the addict/alcoholics with whom we all have worked. Truly, this is a family disease. It is interesting to note the way the DSM IV criteria can be applied, in their own way, to family members as well as the addict/alcoholic. I review the criteria when working with family members and loved ones and this sometimes helps. However, some still see that their loved one simply needs to "suck it up" and make a choice to stop being an addict/ alcoholic...problem solved.
I sometimes share a story during family group at the rehab center of a past parishioner named Alvin. Alvin was a good man with a beautiful singing voice which rang out on Sunday mornings. He was married to his wife for about 50 years. One time, I observed Alvin running his hand up another woman's skirt. The look on his face did not suggest he was just being helpful or friendly. I ask family members what they think of Alvin's behavior and of Alvin himself. Inevitably, they respond with disgust at his hypocrisy and unfaithfulness. I listen to their judgments for a while and then mock apologize for failing to mention that Alvin was afflicted with a chronic, progressive disease called Alzheimer's. Sometimes one can hear the air go out of the room. This has always led to a productive talk about the disease of addiction and the related behaviors which are so hurtful and destructive. No one has ever been willing to condemn Alvin for his behaviors once they realize that he was the victim of a disease he never asked for. I have never met an addict/ alcoholic whose fondest dream was to one day become enslaved by a chemical, have his/her life destroyed, betray closely held values, spend a lot of money on treatment, and accrue a deep sense of self-loathing.
When family members can embrace that there is a solution to the problem of addiction, power and positive purpose reenter their lives as well. They no longer wait in anxious agony for their beloved addict/alcoholic to get "fixed" so that they can enjoy peace and serenity again. The gift of the 12 Steps is not just for the addict/alcoholic, but also for families who have also developed anger, blaming, self-loathing, and a profound resentment at how life could get so bad. Recovery is done best together, always being mindful of course, that we cannot choose recovery for another. There is a certain beauty and rhythm to people who love each other working the parallel paths of their own recoveries. Perhaps this is the only time when a parallel path can bring us closer to one another. God does cool stuff all the time. Perhaps with an attitude of trust and surrender, family members can also come to accept that they love someone with the disease of addiction. Perhaps nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.
Mike Japenga, M.Div., LSAT, Counselor II www.valleyhope.org
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