This is Listiyani

i call her listi

{C83CBB5D-8363-444F-9606-BC2B2FF4769B:01}

She is the only person who drive me crazy this past 4 years

I know her on Internet forum, we share same hobby, but thats all, we never meet in real life. But then on some local gathering we meet, nothing happen; a cheerful girl, little bit boyish, hang out easily with boys.That day i know she lives in Bandung, West Java. She comes from Bogor City (I lived in Jalarta btw)

I don't remember the date but around 2010 maybe, she often come to jakarta hangout with small group that have me inside; we started to talk each other, but still, not private talk, we chat in public.

In 2011 i ask her to watch movie together, no special ocassion or special feeling.It's just because she was alone in jakarta. We watch Captain America : The First Avenger at Blitz megaplex, Central Park Jakarta; i take her on my bike, we enjoy that day, watching movie,eat, and i drive her back to her apartement; funny things, on the way back, she feel sleepy, and said that can she hug me so she can sleep (remember, we are on bike) i must ride very careful because she keep sliding left and right

after that day, we became closer, as friend of course; and day by day i feel comfortable around her, i can share everything with her. And at some point she share about her ex and a guy that come to her because her mom introduced to her. i feel angry, disappointed. I feel Jealous?? that point where at the first time i realize,maybe i like her. I start using body contact , i even cannot believe i did it, i holding her hand while walking, or watching movie, i hug her ; but i feel she didn't uncomfortable with it, so i stop it

i keep holding this feeling about a year, i don't know if this love or just lust, i dont want to ruin this friendship, i don't want her to feel weird when she with me

And i'm at boiling point, we start guessing, the assumtion start , which i think thats not a good way about this relationship. So i decide, Doing something i never do in my life, Say to her about my feeling. so i arrange to meet her at some coffee shop. at private lounge. March 22nd, 2014 i said everything about my feeling toward her. she listened to it well, and i ask her the answer. She said sorry already give me some false hope, she didn't mean it. she doesn't accept my feeling, she can't see me more than a friend. I accept her answer, it's hard, but this is how life's work. accept it and move on. But thats not easy as talk. at first week after that i (feel) got ignored. i heavily destruct. but day after day we tried to rebuild our friendship. but stupid me, i still can control my body my emotion. she angry because i am to intimate with her. i appologize.

we can rebuild it, up and down, quarell, laugh, cry, share with other almost every day.

But recently, i ask her if her have some friend like me before, and she said yes! and she said she always share it with them. I know that i'm stupid, i always think that i'm special person that she always shared too. but no. i'm just another friends. i can accept it, because i'm in process to repress the love feeling. but maybe this is the biggest trigger for me to stop hoping. I already throw everything for her, i give her everything i've got to make her love me.i'm already trying to hard. and maybe this is the right time to stop hoping. she didn't feel anything about me, and looks like it didn't going to change. so this is the end. chance for me to move on.

she still the one i love, but now i must change it into love of friend.

i never forget time we share together, when i think i'm special. You taught me alot of things, especially Confidence. you are one of the best teacher for me. i hope in the future i can be a good friends, and i always think about you in my pray. hope you can find your dream job (soon) and find someone who can make you happy and smile like i never see before.

Listi, keep smiling okay.

{8C1C6A15-5CC3-42EA-81A8-70434C593E0E:01}

{AF55429B-8E0D-41E8-B261-0DC672FE3654:01}

{06107227-9C4E-4DC3-A918-5C9416A1D09F:01}

{E7E8F98F-B790-4C71-B0A0-EF451C87F3A2:01}

{ED13D82E-BEE9-4044-9BA1-A1BF7E9FDAB9:01}

{7857AE34-2F27-4A2E-9DE7-C00F1ABC7BAD:01}

{C3CBAA5A-E01B-4ACD-A9DC-440281E8AA79:01}

{C3BF0348-E2F7-4D75-8711-055209C37A53:01}

{A7A81E55-B62A-4D8A-A406-2F23ABAEE5FD:01}

{A61FEEA1-C817-42E7-9AED-F2AD8F3E3915:01}

{BFD9BD89-62E7-428D-AC70-B056C3620FD5:01}

{1AD02640-465B-4201-8FF2-6F2152105430:01}