I went to CT meeting last night. It was a great night. I met this CT group for the first time last July when I was having a meltdown over my marriage and living conditions. I was upset, full of anger and couldn't sit still with who I was then. Marynance obviously saw an opportunity in me and introduced me to the CT group meeting she often attends. This group has been formed by her mentor Matt under Conscious Transformation which Joy pioneered and cultivated.
Anyways, I tagged along with her because I'm staying with her. Reunion part was fun. I got to see people I hadn't seen for awhile and catching up with them gave me a sense of belonging. It wasn't a bad feeling to feel wanted and connected. Everyone welcomed me back and that felt good.
How to serve others... Live for yourself
was the topic of the night. Thank you universe for the validation, I'm on the right track to hear that from others. Surrender. That's my thing now. I also have some kind of resistance to this group. It's a nice community I tell you but I'm feeling some kind of obligation here. Obligation to belong to this group. That's all in my head. No one said it exactly like that. But in my head I'm constructing the words
"Yasuko, you have to belong to this group if you want to study with them. And once you do, you have to be committed and you can't run from it."
You know this haunts me down like hell and every time this thought pops up, I'd resist and say no thank you to this. In a nutshell, I'm afraid that I might loose my freedom to be me, the quirky, funny, unique, and beautiful me by belonging to a group and I don't want to lose that side of me. My experience of being trapped in the marriage and the family reminds me of the horrific memories from the past and I'm doing my best not to revisit that part of my life.
But yesterday, I intended to experience the CT meeting differently. I stayed with George's thought of surrender. Gabby said it, James said it. So I saw my resistance and get past it and without any judgement, I stayed in the space. Without feeling obligated to be one of them. I can be whoever I want to be in that group and I don't need to belong like I used to think I had to with others. So I let that judgment go and stayed in the space of nothingness and observed me and others. I don't need to freak out although I was tempted. I can just be in the space and breathe into it and just experience it. Nobody said what I said to myself earlier; Yasuko, you gotta belong to this group...
So I got my ease back and into a relaxed state. No one said it. If it is, it's probably me who said it. So I'm witnessing and practicing to surrender.
I probably go to the meeting whenever I feel like it. If the resistance shows up, I'll ease up and see what's up. Without any expectations, I'll let go and surrender and experience it from a whole new perspective. And we'll see what's up.
The sense of belonging is an interesting topic to me. It's two sides of a coin. One side is up and the other side is down. That's how I feel about my belongingness. One side of belonging represents an upside feeling: bright, happy and joyful. But the other side, the downside represents fear, obligation, and choking! I can't breathe when I get choked up. That's how I feel about being in a group, belonging to some kind of tribal system. It's scary to me. So I'll put this feeling aside knowing it's there. I don't need to serve this feeling if I don't choose to. So be it. So I'm celebrating with my gentleness. No need to be obligated since I don't choose to. I just want to be me. I can continue to study with other teachers like Gabby, James, Wayne, Louise, Deepak, Kris, Nancy just to name a few, and attend the CT meeting without feeling obligated. I can go whatever I want. Don't let anybody enable me just because I feel obligated. It's the trap. May I be free as a bird.
Flow freely through life as a uniquely expressive spirit.