I decided to fly back and forth between the US and Japan when I stayed in Japan last year. I came here this February and I went back to the US once since. As I live in the two completely different countries, I've noticed that I fall into an identity crisis moment from time to time no matter how much I thought I was okay. This can be just a part of this journey; as you travel, the scenery changes. And as I go through these changes, I feel overwhelmed as well as ecstatic at the same time.
Being a bilingual and bicultural person means to experience a series of weirdness. At least for me. I don't even know if the word "weird" does justice, maybe "rare" can add more feel to this sentence. It's definitely an Alice in Wonderland kind of, am I hulucinating or is this real? thing. I don't know which one is my own reality and choosing both can be risky so you're constantly finding a crack where you can just chill so that you can think later about all that overwhelming excitement.
Living in California wasn't that easy at the beginning of my journey but over the years I'd adapted into all sorts of diversity it has. And before I knew it, I was a part of the culture. In other words, California doesn't exit as California without me; I'm playing a significant part in this Californication which is also made out of every single individual who lives there. When I think about it, I have an attachment to that and I'm wondering if that multicultural side of me is more of my identity than mono tone boring mono culture side of me. It is confusing I gotta say but everyday, I'm being real, authentic and honest with myself as I search for my own identity as Yasuko, better known as Yasko.
Both cultures are instrumental as I find myself who I really am right now so I can't get rid of either. But I have a preference. I want more than one. I'm spoiled by given multiple choices by now rather than just being stuck with a tradition, which really means you've got no choice but one. I'm not in a constant fight in between. I already know what I want. I want more than one choice as I decide on something. I want to get to choose instead of thinking this is the only option. I'm not blinded. I'd like to see. I have my eyes open and they can see. So naturally, I wanna participate on choosing all the options available for me.
Bilingual means you've got that. You've got to speak two languages therefore, you get to experience two cultures, if not more. I'd like to think of it as a privilege. I can only guess but id like to think that I'm able to think outside of the box more often than the average people and I like that kind of freedom I create for me. Although being Alice in her Wonderland can be hectic and possibly go through adrenaline rush, it's kinda cool to go down the rabbit hole and transform into different sizes by drinking some liquid in a bottle and have a mad tea party with the White Rabbit, the Hatter and other fantasy creatures.
Everyday is a new day. I sometimes wonder why a certain culture believes in what others don't. It's fascinating to think about but I realized that it's also a heavily loaded programming which is happening no matter where you are in the world. I wanna escape from this freakin programming thing that society plays and I feel it's so much easier if I go down the rabbit hole and get that mysterious drink in that bottle. But that's also a belief I created, right??? So, I don't know what the right thing or preferred thing for me is. All I know by now is that whatever the culture it is, there is a programming going on where people blindly buy into. And it's just for me but I'd like to soberly being who I am meant to be. I'm Yasuko and whether I'm bilingual and bicultural or not, I speak my own language and I exist in my own space in this universe.
Am I hallucinating? Or Alice in Wonderlanding? Either way, this is where I often go to. Interesting enough, it's my land of the free.