This is going to be raw and painful for me, but here goes.
4 years back I divorced my husband of 21 years. We had 8 kids together & home churched & home schooled.
My family (also my church family) pulled the plug. I was on my own, no one from my Christian community would touch me with a 10’ stick for fear of “catching” whatever caused my marriage to go awry.
Being estranged from my family & friends put me into severe depression. I didn't have a net to fall into, so I lay there, in bed day after day, only rising to do what HAD to get done. I went to a therapist and a psychiatrist, but nothing was enough. I was alone, I focused on my solitude and I stayed in my deep misery. I went into hospital for the psychological ward one night, in hopes that someone would finally save me from my hell —but they didn't. I was sent home (relieved!) to my children who were terrified mommy was so ill she was going to die.
No one was going to save me.
No saviour was there at the right moment.
No god in the heavens was concerned for me.
I was on my own.
What changed? How did I pull through?
•After realizing just how truly blessed I am to have these beautiful people (my kids) in my life I slowly became grateful for them, again. I cherished and cared for their problems, along with mine.
•After abandoning my responsibilities as the caretaker of my home I took account of how fortunate I am to have a shelter. I have been painting, cleaning, and organizing little by little.
•After laying in my bed, exhausted from merely living, I forced myself to accept my pain as worthy, accept my suffering as long enough, and forgive myself for grieving the loss of so many dreams; I started to live again. Losing my extended family through ignorance & theism has brought me to a new level of understanding.
•Humans are assholes. I'm not going to conform! I'm going to be the mom I wish I'd had as a child. I'm going to be the friend I wish I'd had. I'm going to be the person I fantasize about becoming —right now! —not “when I'm ________ enough”!
Now is the moment!
• I became completely honest with myself. No more lying, “it's only a piece of cake” when it's the 3rd piece. Nor, “I can't stop smoking cigarettes, I need them for this stress” business. If I knew it was bad, I admitted and quit it. It was hard!
• I started listening to my body a bit more. My body’s response to my drinking alcoholic drinks was severe lethargy, aches, pain and wouldn't you know it, depression! I had to fess up to myself & stop playing the part of the victim to quit. I'd been a victim far too long & no one had ever rescued me. I had to rescue me!!!
•And, I joined a group therapy 2 months ago & it's been so good for me!
I hope you good speed, consistency, strength & wisdom to pull you through! Find a good therapist [don't stop ‘til it's a good fit!], keep your closest friend (s) and become your own best, most reliable friend. Fall in love with yourself. Love you! (I listened to a lot of meditations from the Insight Timer app called “Living Awake” to forgive and start to love me.)
It will work!