The problem with a cookie cutter approach is that it leaves our children with the belief that our acceptance of them is conditional on their behaviour. Pioneering psychologist and researcher Carl Rogers asked the question, “What happens when a parent’s love depends on how a child behaves?” He found children who hide their unacceptable feelings end up with an internal sense of worthlessness and are at risk of poor mental health in later life. By enjoying the convenience of a “good child” we overlook the burden it places on the child at the expense of their current and future mental health. Some children go so far as to construct a “false self” that they operate from to please us and begin to lose track of the “real me” under all the disguise. It can take years of therapy to untangle the false identity from their true identity.
Expecting a child to be all light with no shadow is unrealistic and can breed dangerous habits in a child. The dark side of our personality has much to teach us and can help us cope with difficult traits in others, too. One author writes, “Being properly mature involves a frank unfrightened relationship with one’s own dark sides, complexities and ambitions.” When we only affirm the aspects of the “good child” that we approve of, without accepting their negative traits, it leaves us at risk of a strained relationship with them right into adulthood.
Put simply, our acceptance of our child must not be conditional on their behaviour.