Present feeling: gloomy
Today's been a really long day for me. It's not that I had a lot of lessons, in fact, there were only four official lessons today. Today wasn't a particularly stressful day, but I've been thinking about a lot of things that's going on in my life lately. I think this explains why I'm so tired right now.
As an anxious person, I always ponder about life and what lies ahead of me. I'm unreasonably scared about the "unknown", and I get so caught up in trying to anticipate how a specific event in the future would turn out. I start catastrophizing outcomes and I become so worried. My head begins to twist,my heart to pound and my hands to tremble. Most of the time I catch myself ceaselessly worrying about the future, even though there's nothing to be worried about. I know. It's insane, right? With the exams coming up in a few weeks, you cant even begin to imagine how terrified I am right now.
But this is the least of my worries. What I'm really scared of, deep deep down, is the fear that people wont accept as who I am. At school, It's almost as though I wear a mask to feign my mood, my looks and personality. I become more sociable, talkative and outgoing, but these are all "masks" that hides my weakness. The "mask" is the only thing that's keeping them from knowing the real me. And the real me ... is someone that's completely different. The real me is weak, insecure and anxious. But lately, I'm starting to believe that this mask wont cover me for very long. It's beginning to decay, and as times goes by, more and more of my true self is unraveling. Exposure. This is my biggest fear. I know that this is a fear that is communal to to a majority of the people. With the fear of exposure comes the fear of judgement. I fear that people wont like or even accept the real me.
Fortunately, I've been doing some inner search to understand why all of this is happening to me. And I get why. This is because I don't love myself enough. Low self-esteem is the root cause of all the disruptions in my life. Through constant deliberate defiance of my values, over the recent years, my esteem has plummeted. I think that procrastination plays a large role in this. I have built a tendency to put things off to the last minute, especially the things that I am scared of. For instance, when I study Chinese, it triggers a very uncomfortable emotion, which I despise. So I decide not to do it. I mean who likes doing that they hate, right? Although I know that it is essential that we do these things, but I've established a habit to run away from the things I hate.
I'm sorry but I have to go. It closing in on midnight, and I have homework to do for tomorrow. I will update this blog probably once a week so feel free to comment on your views, and any things on this blog which you disagree with.
Thanks!