このブログは私が本当はどうなりたいかを知るために書いてます。
私はたまに生きづらさを感じることがあって
子育てし始めてから、たまにじゃなくなってきた。
その元凶について今日は書こうと思う。
結論、生きづらさの元凶は
「自分」にあると思う。
理由は3つある。
1. 「こうあるべき」「〜するべき』が頭から離れない
私は夫と生活するようになってから
自分ルールが多いことに気づいた。
小さすぎて、多すぎて書ききれない。
でも今困ってるものを１つ挙げるとすると
「働いてないのに、お金で楽なんてしたらあかん。」
と本気で思ってる。
離乳食も買わずに、作ればいいやんと思って
一回も買ったことない。
紙オムツも寝る時だけ使うことにしてるし（基本は布おむつ）
日中に使う時は謎の罪悪感がある。
私よりもはるかに自分ルールが少ない夫を見てると
常に口角がエイみたいにちょっと上がってて
メンタルが安定していて本当に羨ましい。
彼は自分の機嫌を完璧に自分でなんとかしており、そこは
尊敬できる。
2. ネガティブ思考と自分の考え方の癖
基本の明るい性格？とは逆に
「どうせ私なんか〇〇」とか
「多分うまくいかないこのままでは」と
謎のネガティブ思考が働く。
人間関係では「あの時こんな風に思われた、ぜったい。」
となり、被害妄想もあるような気がする。
何かの本で
「ストレスの大部分は自分で作り出してる」
という考え方を知ってからはちょっとマシになったかもやけど
考え方の癖はなかなか改善しない。
3.自分に厳しい&謎の自信が過剰
心のどこかで自分で自分のことを
「自分はダメな人間なのでちょっと
厳しくしてるくらいがちょうどいい」
と思ってる。
のに
大抵のことなら「自分ならやれる。」
と思っているので
これが結構生きづらさに効いてると考えられる。
5才から18才まで習っていたピアノの先生が
「〇〇の曲弾けるさくらちゃんは
他のことはきっとなんでもできるよ」と
言ってくれていた意味を履き違えてるのかもしれない。
自分のせいで自分が生きづらくなっているのは
なんとなく分かってたけども
母になることによって
ストイックな部分が顕著に現れだした。
他人から優しくされることよりもまず
自分で自分に優しくするところから始めたい。
でもエルサみたいに
「やり方がわからない！」って
毎日なってる。訓練が必要。
次は妊娠＋出産＋子育てを経験して分かったことの2つ目を書きます。
I write this blog to find out what I truly want to become.
I sometimes feel like life is difficult, and since starting to raise children, it's become more frequent.
Today, I want to write about the root cause of this.
In conclusion, I think the root cause of my difficulty in life lies within myself.
There are three reasons for this.
1. I can't get "this is how it should be" and "I should do this" out of my head.
Since living with my husband, I've realized I have a lot of self-imposed rules.
They're too small, too numerous, to list.
But if I had to pick one thing that's bothering me now, it would be this:
"I'm not working, so I shouldn't rely on money to make things easy for myself."
I genuinely believe this.
I thought I could just make baby food instead of buying it, so I've never bought any.
I only use disposable diapers at night (I mainly use cloth diapers).
I feel a strange sense of guilt when I use them during the day.
Watching my husband, who has far fewer personal rules than I do, I'm truly envious of his consistently slightly upturned smile and stable mental state.
He perfectly manages his own mood, and I respect that about him.
2. Negative Thinking and Habitual Thoughts
Contrary to my generally cheerful personality, I often have inexplicable negative thoughts like, "I'm just a [blank] anyway," or "Things probably won't work out if I continue like this."
In relationships, I think, "They definitely thought this about me at that time," and I feel like I have a bit of paranoia.
I may have improved a little since reading in a book that "most of our stress is self-created," but my habitual thoughts are hard to change.
3. Self-Harm & Excessive, Mysterious Confidence
Somewhere in my heart, I think to myself, "I'm a no-good person, so it's good to be a little hard on myself," and I believe I can do most things.
This is likely a major factor in my difficulty in life.
I might have misunderstood what my piano teacher, whom I studied with from age 5 to 18, meant when she said, "Sakura, if you can play [song title], you can surely do anything else."
I vaguely knew that I was making my own life difficult, but becoming a mother has made my stoic side more pronounced.
I want to start by being kind to myself, rather than relying on kindness from others.
But like Elsa, I find myself thinking, "I don't know how!" every day. I need practice.
Next, I'll write about the second thing I learned from experiencing pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing.
I sometimes feel like life is difficult, and since starting to raise children, it's become more frequent.
Today, I want to write about the root cause of this.
In conclusion, I think the root cause of my difficulty in life lies within myself.
There are three reasons for this.
1. I can't get "this is how it should be" and "I should do this" out of my head.
Since living with my husband, I've realized I have a lot of self-imposed rules.
They're too small, too numerous, to list.
But if I had to pick one thing that's bothering me now, it would be this:
"I'm not working, so I shouldn't rely on money to make things easy for myself."
I genuinely believe this.
I thought I could just make baby food instead of buying it, so I've never bought any.
I only use disposable diapers at night (I mainly use cloth diapers).
I feel a strange sense of guilt when I use them during the day.
Watching my husband, who has far fewer personal rules than I do, I'm truly envious of his consistently slightly upturned smile and stable mental state.
He perfectly manages his own mood, and I respect that about him.
2. Negative Thinking and Habitual Thoughts
Contrary to my generally cheerful personality, I often have inexplicable negative thoughts like, "I'm just a [blank] anyway," or "Things probably won't work out if I continue like this."
In relationships, I think, "They definitely thought this about me at that time," and I feel like I have a bit of paranoia.
I may have improved a little since reading in a book that "most of our stress is self-created," but my habitual thoughts are hard to change.
3. Self-Harm & Excessive, Mysterious Confidence
Somewhere in my heart, I think to myself, "I'm a no-good person, so it's good to be a little hard on myself," and I believe I can do most things.
This is likely a major factor in my difficulty in life.
I might have misunderstood what my piano teacher, whom I studied with from age 5 to 18, meant when she said, "Sakura, if you can play [song title], you can surely do anything else."
I vaguely knew that I was making my own life difficult, but becoming a mother has made my stoic side more pronounced.
I want to start by being kind to myself, rather than relying on kindness from others.
But like Elsa, I find myself thinking, "I don't know how!" every day. I need practice.
Next, I'll write about the second thing I learned from experiencing pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing.