He's buffed. He's tanned. He earns £12m a year.

The body is slathered in enough oil to deep-fry a sack of potatoes, the tan is the colour of an old leather chair and the shorts are so tight you can count the change in his pocket.

It can all mean only one thing - Cristiano Ronaldo is taking his annual summer holiday.

The sight of the world's most self-regarding footballer posing on a yacht or mincing about on shore with his posse of hangers-on is one we've come to expect every June, along with silly hats at Ascot and rain at Wimbledon.

But what's puzzling about the spectacle is that, while there's no denying that Ronaldo is a jaw-dropping Adonis of a man, he does nothing for me, or any other woman I know.

Shirtless Cristiano Ronaldo shows off his body on a boat trip with friends in Miami

In fact, the picture of him sunbathing in his canary-yellow budgie-smugglers is about as sexy as the one of Boris Johnson in his baggy tennis whites at Queen's Club last weekend. Boris is no Greek god, but at least he wouldn't be checking his reflection in the mirror every two minutes.

Clearly, Ronaldo - who earns  £12 million a year playing for Real Madrid - won't be weeping too many salty tears into one of his Italian silk shirts at the news that he doesn't do it for a middle-aged British woman, but the fact remains there's something totally sexless about men who devote so much time to their looks.

To be blunt - they never seem quite as keen on women as they are on their own reflections. Perhaps, once it becomes apparent that no woman could ever love them as much as they love themselves, they give up. Isn't that right, Simon Cowell?

I'd hazard a guess that The X Factor judge's girlfriends are more attracted by his millions and showbiz clout than by his high-maintenance beauty routine - he said Botox was ‘as normal as brushing your teeth', and has been known to wear thick make-up.

To which most will respond: ‘It's a massive No from me.' Because, when it's obvious that a man gives over a sizeable chunk of every day to plucking, waxing, toning, tanning and buffing, it just becomes a huge turn-off.

He's been likened to Stretch Armstrong - a doll from the Seventies

Men are meant to be a bit rough around the edges - able to wash, go and be out of the house in ten minutes flat.

With all that time devoted to ‘manscaping', as male beautifying is called, it doesn't leave a lot of time for things like - oh, I don't know - reading books or watching the news.

Forgive the generalisation, but in my experience men who spend most of their waking hours tending to their looks are rarely the sharpest of tools.

The blokes from TV show The Only Way Is Essex are a case in point. The teeth dazzle, the eyes sparkle and the designer suits are dapper, but it's fair to say that Mensa won't be beating a path to their doors any time soon.

Vain men don't make great company as they tend to have only one topic of conversation - no prizes for guessing what that is. They're also not much fun because the cornerstone of any sense of humour is the ability to laugh at yourself - something they'd never dream of doing.

I once went on a date with a man where we had to sit in the restaurant for two hours after we'd finished our meal. The reason? It was raining and he didn't want to ruin his hair. Needless to say it was our first and last date.

Men taking an interest in their appearance are to be applauded - no one wants a slob whose idea of grooming is to clean his nails with a train ticket and pick his teeth with a cocktail stick.

But, equally, no one wants a man who looks as though he must take two hours to get ready for a night out. For a man to be sexy and desirable he still has to offer some nod towards masculinity. He doesn't have to wrestle crocodiles or enter a cage-fighting contest - just not look like he'd bitch slap you to get to the bathroom first, sleep in a hairnet to keep his quiff neat or raid your eye cream.
Being in touch with your feminine side is fine. Having moved there full time is not.

That doesn't stop famous men like Ronaldo from going all-out in pursuit of an immaculate appearance. He's been likened to Stretch Armstrong - a doll from the Seventies that you could pull in all directions - and indeed, he does have a rather plastic appearance.Given his Portuguese heritage, it's fair to assume Ronaldo is naturally hirsute. We're used to waxed chests on modern, metrosexual men. But waxed legs and forearms, too? It must take hours.

Then there's the tan. No ugly, missed white bits for our Ronnie. As the pictures of him sunbathing on board the yacht show, there's no pose or position he won't bend himself into in order to get an even colour.

'The contents of Ronaldo's wardrobe take experimenting with fashion to a whole new level. We've seen him in silver hotpants, white jeans, sporting a flower in his hair and wearing a tight-fitting pink, fluffy angora sweater'

Currently staying in the poseur's paradise that is Miami, Ronaldo is on another one of his boys-only holidays. As we've seen from his holiday wardrobe, it's clear he puts as much time and effort into packing for his trip as he does into preparing for a match.

It's hard to imagine the average British bloke abroad teaming a pair of bright pink shorts with a white vest and a blue trilby, artfully worn at a jaunty angle.

When it comes to fashion, Continental men have always been more avant garde and willing to experiment than the Brits - but the contents of Ronaldo's wardrobe take it to a whole new level.On previous occasions, we've seen him in silver hotpants, white jeans, sporting a flower in his hair and wearing a tight-fitting pink, fluffy angora sweater.

And he wouldn't be seen dead without a designer man-bag, clutched firmly under his  rippling bicep.
Given Ronaldo's flamboyant style, there has been internet speculation as to whether anything other than designer clothes will ever come out of his closet, but it seems that - like most footballers - he has a taste for the ladies.

Not only is he currently dating Russian supermodel Irina Shayk, but three years ago he became father to a son - also called Cristiano. Some stories say that the child was born following a one-night stand, while others say Ronaldo paid a surrogate to carry the child.

Either way, I'm sure there's plenty more pouting and posing to come from Ronaldo this summer - I just wish he and other narcissistic men would realise how much of an own goal their vanity scores with the opposite sex.