Some Thoughts on Sex Ed

 

 

State of the Union

 

Hey guys, today we are talking about everyone’s favourite topic, sex education! 

 

More than 10 years ago now, Last Week Tonight aired a segment about the state of sex ed in America. Suffice it to say, it was dire. In the US, sex ed curricula are left up to the states and school districts. Back then, only 22 states mandated any kind of sex ed, and only 13 required it be medically accurate.i

 

 

The situation in 2020 was not much better, with 17 now requiring medical accuracy.ii In other words, less than half the country requires sex ed, and only a third needs it to be correct. Imagine if you didn’t need driving school to start driving a car, and in the places where it was available, they only taught how to avoid car crashes and ignored talking about seatbelts or the rules of the road. 

 

Imagine if math class wasn’t required to be mathematically accurate, and different school districts all taught different values for pi. Unlike geometric proofs or derivative rules, however, sex ed is something kids and teenagers actually need to know for their entire lives. 

 

But it gets worse. Because what sex ed students do receive, from the teachers themselves or through guest speakers, can be abstinence-only. They might only teach students that pregnancy and STIs are to be avoided, and reject teaching them anything about contraception use or navigating sexual dynamics or masturbation or orientation,iii or anything actually important regarding sex. 

 

On top of that, this kind of sex ed doesn’t even achieve it’s only goal: it doesn’t reduce teen pregnancy.iv And worst of all, through their vociferous attacks on premarital sex, they can end up degrading teen survivors.v And, of course, even in states and districts where the education is comprehensive and accurate, the students are not guaranteed to receive it because parents can often just opt them out.vi

 

How do parents fare?

 

In the face of the school system’s inadequacies, surely parental sex ed acts as a counterbalancing force? When done well, parental sex ed can in fact give immense protective benefits. One study from 2009 found that adolescent girls whose parents did not talk about sex with them were several times more likely to have multiple sexual partners, to use drugs before sex, to not use condoms, and to not know about HIV.vii As Reina Evans et al. put it, 

Parents have a unique responsibility to instill knowledge of sexual risk as well as confidence and comfort around sexuality in their adolescents.viii 

This is for many reasons: parents already play a critical role in their kids’ development, they are in a better position than teachers to shape their kids’ beliefs and behaviours, they can model communication in relationships, and they can tailor their approach to their kids.

 

But in practice, parents are about as bad as the school system. Most parents only do the bare minimum. And one in five don’t even do that much.ix I wonder if those parents, for some reason, think their kids don’t need to know about that entire facet of adult life. Or if they think telling their kids about sex makes them want to seek out sex more. (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.) 

 

For many parents, especially fathers, there seem to be significant barriers in communication. Some parents just haven’t built a relationship with their children where it’s possible to talk about something as deathly awkward as sex to any useful depth. Tanya Coakley et al. write, “fathers fe[lt] that it [is] unnatural for males to communicate with other men about sexual issues.”x 

 

Other parents find themselves unprepared and uninformed about discussing sex. And others still think their teenagers are still little kids who have no reason to be sexually active, and so have no reason to learn about sex.xi Even if these parents keep their children from adequate sex ed out of a sense of protection, they are in fact putting them at risk. 

 

Of those that do bother to teach their kids, most stick to the usual list of topics and warnings, such as avoiding pregnancy and STIs,. They tend to avoid more difficult topics like masturbation or what consent is exactly.xii 

 

Rarely do parents focus on the positive sides of sex, like pleasure and exploration and building a healthy relationship with one’s partner. After all, teenagers have sex for many of the same reasons adults do, so it’d be beneficial if they were taught to appreciate the good aspects of sex, like adults do.

 

Spare a Thought for Queer Youth

 

We’ve seen how hundreds of thousands of adolescents are being failed by their teachers, their districts, and their parents; and are entering adult life with inaccurate, inadequate, or plain inexistent skills and knowledge regarding human sexuality. And perhaps no group is more sidelined than LGBT+ youth. 

 

Laying aside the overt queerphobic violence many face, there is also the more banal but equally harmful evil of indifference. In the US, only 10 states require their sex ed programs to be inclusive of LGBT+ students.xiii As in, 40 states are allowed to not acknowledge the existence of LGBT+ issues in their coverage of sex, sexual anatomy, sexual development, and sexuality.

 

Within the classroom, sex (the act) is talked about in terms of male and female, making it largely irrelevant for gay, lesbian, and bisexual students; sex (the physical characteristic) is also talked about in terms of male and female, which ignores trans and intersex students. 

 

Within the home, many parents are simply “more likely to omit sexuality education if they are unsure of their child’s sexual orientation or if they know their child is not heterosexual.”xiv 

 

And within the culture, there are these ideas floating around that, since gays and lesbians can’t get pregnant, they don’t need sex ed. 

 

As if gay men aren’t famously at risk for HIV; as if lesbians or asexuals can’t get pregnant; as if anyone is safe from compulsory heterosexuality. 

 

Is it any wonder, then, that LGBT+ youth and young adults far more likely to engage in riskier sex? That they are more likely to turn to porn for information?xv That they report less sexual satisfaction and more anxiety, depression, and suicidality?xvi

 

 

What is to be done?

Given the evident deficiencies of the school-based sex ed system and the clear benefits of comprehensive sex ed, the ideal solution is clear: mandate that sex education must be medically accurate, inclusive of queer students, and compulsorily attended, across all school districts. 

 

In reality, of course, this is nothing short of utopic. One concern is mobilizing the necessary political will and financial ability. Another is overhauling an entire country’s many curricula. And another still is ensuring compliance from teachers and parents on the ground. 

 

Not to mention, at every level of the educational infrastructure, the common Christian conservative qualms (that sex for pleasure, masturbation, abortion, homosexuality, “transgenderism” etc. are all Sin) would have to be overcome somehow. 

 

In comparison, interventions within the home, at the family level, already exist, are feasible, and have their advantages.xvii But instead of waiting around for an intervention or buying some parenting course, what can you do to effect better sex ed in the short term?

 

Before talking to your children about sex, you would do good to be prepared. What this looks like depends, but Megan Hanafee-Major has a wonderful article on what she considers her Top 10 list of tips of parents.xviii Assuming you are ready, from what makes sense to me, there are three big things parents should be mindful to do when broaching the topic of sex. They are Comfort, Clarity, and Comprehensive(ness). Call them the 3 C’s, if you will.

  1. Comfort. As we saw earlier, one of the big barricades to communication is the discomfort. It can be incredibly awkward for both parties involved, so some parents feel they just shouldn’t talk about it (and let the schools handle it.) So, in order to get past the awkwardness, we need to make a healthy, comfortable environment where we can talk about it. And on top of that, we can listen more.xix,xx Because the truth is, “adolescents want their parents to communicate with them about sex... and especially prefer comprehensive communication.”xxi
     

  2. Clarity. What really made me highlight this issue is one study where the parents reporting having talked about HIV prevention, and then their kids reported that they actually hadn’t.xxii Think of ripping off a bandaid. A direct rip is the cleanest and least painful one. The same is true for talking about sex. Instead of using euphemisms, allusions, and unclear language, we should be open about the topic we’re discussing. Use medically accurate terminology. Use clear descriptions of risks or benefits or processes you’re talking about, and be sure to check they really have understood what you want them to.
     

  3. Comprehensive. For best results, cover many aspects of human sexuality. Abstinence-only education focuses so much on preventing premarital sex, it doesn’t really address contraceptive use when it’s wanted, or the importance of consent, or different sexual orientations, or the reality of masturbation, etc. And, best of all, it doesn’t even prevent premarital sex. If you want your kids to actually be prepared for the adult world, they need to know about how to engage in sex if and when they want to. Just as a student driver needs to avoid car crashes, yes, and know the rules of the road, and how to wear a seatbelt, and to not drink and drive.

As an aside, since comprehensive sex ed touches on so many areas, it can be hard to know what exactly to cover and when. So here are three (somewhat disparate) things that I think are relevant to everyone and absolutely essential to cover.

  1. Sex is normal. Adolescents need to understand that sex is a completely normal part of adult life. I think that if sex is only brought up to discourage having it, teenagers are more likely to seek it out. This also happens when, say, alcohol is subject to taboo: it becomes an elusive goal and a mark of adulthood. And when teenagers do engage in sex, things can go really bad if they don’t have the proper knowledge going into it. They need to know it’s totally normal, that it has its ups and downs, that it’s fine to want sex and fine to not, and that its not really a mark of social standing. And they need to know the lamest people they know have it.
     

  2. Auto-eroticism. If you think your teenaged child isn’t masturbating or watching porn, you’re probably wrong. Something like 25-80% of teenagers report having masturbated (boys more so than girls), depending on the survey.xxiii One study found that 30% of girls under 13 had seen porn, and 65% of boys under 13 reported the same. This same study also found that around 40-50% of youth reported using it for “the acquisition of sexual information.”xxiv And those are just survey numbers; I’d wager the actual numbers are higher. Regardless of your personal feelings on watching porn or masturbation, it’s clear that most teenagers are doing it at least a little bit. And it’s clear that most parents are avoiding the topic. So, regardless of your feelings, you should discuss it with your kids.
     

  3. Consent. If you watched that Last Week Tonight episode, you’ll know of the study where, in response to questions like “Does getting a condom constitute consent?,” 40% of college students said yes, and 40% said no.xxv A troubling result to say the least. Talking about consent doesn’t need to be difficult, but it does need to happen. Regardless of age and gender, children need to understand what consent is, who gives consent, how to both give and ask for it and how to refuse. Because a world where more people understand consent is one where fewer people are assaulted.

 

 

 

iSex Education: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO), directed by LastWeekTonight, 2015, YouTube, https://youtu.be/L0jQz6jqQS0.

iiReina Evans et al., “The Role of Adolescent Sex Education in Sexual Satisfaction among LGB+ and Heterosexual Young Adults,” American Journal of Sexuality Education 15, no. 3 (2020): 311, https://doi.org/doi.org/10.1080/15546128.2020.1763883.

iiiEvans et al., “The Role of Adolescent Sex Education in Sexual Satisfaction among LGB+ and Heterosexual Young Adults,” 319.

ivEvans et al., “The Role of Adolescent Sex Education in Sexual Satisfaction among LGB+ and Heterosexual Young Adults,” 311.

vSex Education: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO).

viAlex S. Diede and Kathryn J. Holland, “Sexual Education as a Dynamic Multisource: A Qualitative Examination of Sexual Education Experiences in a Sample of U.S. College Students,” The Journal of Sex Research 62, no. 8 (2025): 1651, https://doi.org/doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2025.2454395.

viiRichard A. Crosby et al., “The Protective Value of Parental Sex Education: A Clinic-Based Exploratory Study of Adolescent Females,” Journal of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology 22, no. 3 (2009): 189–92, https://doi.org/doi.org/10.1016/.

viiiReina Evans et al., “Gender Differences in Parents’ Communication With Their Adolescent Children about Sexual Risk and Sex-Positive Topics,” The Journal of Sex Research 57, no. 2 (2020): 177, https://doi.org/doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2019.1661345.

ixEvans et al., “The Role of Adolescent Sex Education in Sexual Satisfaction among LGB+ and Heterosexual Young Adults,” 312.

xTanya M. Coakley et al., “Parent-Youth Communication to Reduce at-Risk Sexual Behavior: A Systemic Literature Review,” Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment 27, no. 6 (2017): 619, https://doi.org/doi.org/10.1080/10911359.2017.1313149.

xiEvans et al., “Gender Differences in Parents’ Communication With Their Adolescent Children about Sexual Risk and Sex-Positive Topics,” 178.

xiiDiede and Holland, “Sexual Education as a Dynamic Multisource: A Qualitative Examination of Sexual Education Experiences in a Sample of U.S. College Students,” 1651.

xiiiDiede and Holland, “Sexual Education as a Dynamic Multisource: A Qualitative Examination of Sexual Education Experiences in a Sample of U.S. College Students,” 1651.

xivEvans et al., “The Role of Adolescent Sex Education in Sexual Satisfaction among LGB+ and Heterosexual Young Adults,” 314.

xvDiede and Holland, “Sexual Education as a Dynamic Multisource: A Qualitative Examination of Sexual Education Experiences in a Sample of U.S. College Students,” 1652.

xviEvans et al., “The Role of Adolescent Sex Education in Sexual Satisfaction among LGB+ and Heterosexual Young Adults,” 327.

xviiCoakley et al., “Parent-Youth Communication to Reduce at-Risk Sexual Behavior: A Systemic Literature Review,” 610.

xviiiMegan Hanafee-Major, “Sex Education: 10 Tips for Parents,” Optimum Joy, July 25, 2022, https://optimumjoy.com/blog/sex-education-10-tips-for-parents-megan-hanafee-major/.

xixEvans et al., “The Role of Adolescent Sex Education in Sexual Satisfaction among LGB+ and Heterosexual Young Adults,” 314.

xxDiede and Holland, “Sexual Education as a Dynamic Multisource: A Qualitative Examination of Sexual Education Experiences in a Sample of U.S. College Students,” 1662–63.

xxiEvans et al., “Gender Differences in Parents’ Communication With Their Adolescent Children about Sexual Risk and Sex-Positive Topics,” 178.

xxiiCoakley et al., “Parent-Youth Communication to Reduce at-Risk Sexual Behavior: A Systemic Literature Review,” 619.

xxiiiLily May, “Sexual Development,” November 5, 2025.

xxivDiede and Holland, “Sexual Education as a Dynamic Multisource: A Qualitative Examination of Sexual Education Experiences in a Sample of U.S. College Students,” 1652.

xxvSex Education: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO).