It's amazing, how quickly things can change! I know this, because in getting to the 'new blog' page I glanced at the first few lines of my last post. It's so weird, seeing the phrase 'the girl I like', asking yourself 'Who?'
- - - - - -
'oh, her! er... yeah...', realising that in the meantime I met someone so much more interesting and totally forgot about her from before.
What do you mean, is this the best material you have? This is absolutely everything. I'm giving everything here.
Anyway, we won't discuss that. This is a little less ephemeral. I've been trying to understand and summarise my problems for long enough. That I have issues is as clear to me as it may be news to you. Gaining an actual understanding of these concerns is what has been bothering me for a while. This is what I have for the moment.
I'm afraid of being boring, and ugly, and unfunny. The irrational belief that I absolutely must not be these things, is deeply internalised over time. It leads to greater and greater inhibition, because the fear that making a mistake which would make me one of those things, would be the worst possible thing, is always there in the background... It's an explanation for why I avoid a lot of things, on a lot of levels. I'm still working on it! Maybe having it down on paper will help.
The curious thing is that this has actually been a pretty banner few weeks for me up here. I got selected for the National University of Singapore next year, subject to a bunch of extra checks and hurdles, which is pretty exciting! I broke at a proper debating competition with a strong field and got to speak in the final, which I figured would not be happening. I passed the Japanese Language Proficiency Test, 'only' at level N3, but it's certainly encouraging. And I met a girl who restored my faith that one day I will find someone I actually want to have a serious relationship with and everything will be cool... well, briefly. I honestly don't think there's ever been a better first impression, and what I've seen since hasn't really met that level. But it's better than never meeting someone like that at all. That would be insufferable.
That's the end!