Brain-washing.

"Sen nou suru" is a Japanese expression,

which means "to force someone to accept new briefs by use of extreme mental pressure".

Chinese characters (=Kanji) for this expression is "Wash" and "Brain".

Interestingly, English expression for this is also "Brainwash".

Isn't it interesting??

This expression does not mean we actually wash our brain,

or someone wash our brain,

but both Japanese and English share the same idea

for the action "to force someone to accept new briefs by using extreme pressure".

I, myself, want to wash my brain at the moment.

I want to wash off every single silly negative suspicions completely, even a teeny-tiny things,

And if possible, I want to also wash off my fatal mistakes

which I made in my marriage life resulted from the suspicions.

My mistakes screwed up what I believed.

I am strangling myself by my own silly suspicions, curiosities, and the actual mistakes.

As the well-know saying,

"What you don't know can't hurt you."

"Ignorance and incuriosity are two very soft pillows."

(="Siranu ga hotoke" in Japanese.)

But, I know there is no method to wash off one's past,

and the life goes on in this way.

What I can do now is, to recover myself from this situation,

to find a way to manage or to get along with the problems,

and to make myself stronger than ever before

not to repeat this kind of mistakes never again.

What I need to do is NOT strangling, BUT struggling.

Absence of my husband

Sorry for not writing diaries for days.

I promise here that I will never end in being a three-day wonder. (Mikka Bozu in Japanese)

*From now on, the expressions in blue letters are the ones I newly know through this blog.

My husband will go on a business trip to China.

He is leaving Japan on Monday, but leave home on Sunday

and stay at his family's home at Sunday night.

Then, he is coming back to Japan on next Saturday,

staying that night at his family's home, and coming home on Sunday.

So, I will be alone for whole one week.

I will be liberated from houseworks,

and be able to spend all my time for my own sake.

But, because of something,

I am feeling more loneliness than freedom at the moment.

I have to handle this feeling, and I want to make this one week fruitful.

Actually, there are a lot of things which I want to do during his absence.

Now, what I can do is to make a list of "To do" & "Want to do", and divide them into the week.

This must be "A toe in the door" for how to enjoy his absence,

and for how to make myself feel positive.

Whether or not.....

I...wanted go to Hokkaido for private pleasure with my husband.

So I suggested it to him at the beginning of automn.

It seemed that he was not willing,

but he brought some brouchures from travel agencies.

I was happy for his collecting information toward what I suggested.

A few days after that, he suddenly suggested,

"How about Kyoto?? We can visit one of my aunts too."
Although I felt something strange,

but accepted his proposal, checked some information, and showed them to him.

But he seemed not very interested in them, at all.

Then I noticed, he suggested about Kyoto,

not because he wanted to visit there,

but because he was not interested in Hokkaido.

Since then, I do not say anything about the travel,

and he doesn't, either. It seems he already forgot the whole conversation we had.

Looking back the past, he likes to go out with me for his own purpose,

but almost everytime I took him to a place I wanted go,

he seemed bored, or even irritated.

For that reason, I could not enjoy from my heart.

Now, I am thinking, once again, about going out to enjoy the autmn view.

(one-day trip is good enough for me, this time.)

But, I am wondering whether or not I should tell this idea to my husband,

whether or not I should go by myself...

I can enjoy by myself, but I am sure everything will be doubled

if I can share the experience with someone.

There are things or cases which is more enjoyable without others, than with someone.

There are people who can enjoy more by him/herself than with someone.

There are several clear things.

1) If I propose him to go out, he will say "To where?"

So, if I propose, I will have to clearly decide the destination in advance.

( To be honest, I want to enjoy whole the process from deciding destinations...

But I am sure I can clear this point.)

2) Honestly, I want to go with someone, and the best person is my husband.

(Still, there is a risk that he might look bored and make me feel sorry...)

3) If I do not tell anything to him, go out by myself, and leave him at home,

he will ask for explanation for it, ...what am I gonna say??

Who will take care of his beakfast? his lunch? his dinner????

It is more simple and easier to go together with him.

Usually, when I am planning or thinking something in this way,

thinking about how my husband will feel etc.,

then get tired of thinking, fed up with it, and give up the whole thing.

But giving up never solves anything,

just postponing will not satisfy myself.......

What will a Giver do in this case??

A toe in the door, Take a positive first step

Last night, I read an article, interview article of Ms Rie Hasegawa,

well-known as a model, marathon runner, vegitable sommelier.

She said

"Even on a day I am not feeling fine,

once I start running, start surfing, or start the engine of myself,

soon I find myself become fine."

The sentence was simple, but made gread sense to me.

Yes, the first step is the most difficult thing.

In addition, I am a slow starter, tend to think a lot of worries in advane...

So, before I went to bed, I repeated her sentence over and over in my mind.

This morning, I woke up and felt so sick.

I got serious stiffness of shoulder and neck, together with headache.

And immidieately thought "I want to take off today and stay home......"

but Ms Hasegawa's sentence came back to my mind...

...... I might feel better once I change clothes, wash face, make preparations...

I have piles of jobs today and can't waste my time in vain......

...But this stiffness is really serious.....

I was having an internal conflict about 3 minutes sitting on the bed.

(It must have been a funny picture....)

Then I decided to make a first step of today.

Now, I'm in the office, feeling not perfect, but much better than this morning.

Now I know my choice was correct. :)

-----------------------------------------

One of my favorite TV advertisement has a similar message.

It's TOYOTA's advertisement, its promo word is "Open the door",

and some versions are being played on TV,

together with a song by "Mr. Children".

One of the versions is that,

Mr. Shunsuke Nakamura, Japanese professional football player,

is standing in front of a huge stone wall. It is a wall at the moment.

Then, Mr. Nakamura make a shot to the wall,

the wall collapses, and the promo word appears "Open the door".

The message I got from it was ...

"Something in front of you might seem a huge wall blocking your progress.

Actually, it is a huge door to the next stage of your life.

So, don't be afraid, don't give up and escape from the wall.

Once you open, and with your toe in the door, you will achieve a big progress."

"A toe in the door" is the same meaning as the first step.

I adopt this expression as a title of this blog :)

To be a Giver

Recently I am reading a book, Idea of "Give & Given" by Ms Kaori Sasaki .

*The book is written in Japanese.

This is book is starting from her original idea "Give & Given",

against the well-known expression "Give & Take".

Briefly speaking, it is an idea that

if you want something from someone, you give it to him/ her at first.

Then you will be given what you want from them.

Her idea is not "take something from somebody",

but "something is given to you from somebody", after you give something to him/ her.

Even if the "something" is not given from him/ her,

someone knows your behaviour,

and "something" will be given from different source.

Based on her idea of Give & Given,

she also mentioned about "to be Giver".

A person who gives something good to others,

and do not expect anything in exchange, even gratitude.

I am a person who expect a lot of things when I do something to someone.

At least, when I do something to someone,

I want to hear he or her saying "Thank you".

I used to have some argument with my husband

everytime I give a present to him,

for his not saying "Thank you", or not expressing his gratitude.

I thought....

I chose this present all for him.

So he shall be happy for the gift,

even if he does not like the thing I chose,

he shall be happy for my action and my grace at least.

And he shall express his gratitude spontaneously.

But all my expectation did not come true,

sometimes he was too surprised to say thank you,

sometimes he rejected to receive it because there is no reason to receive the gift,

or because the gift is too expensive.

Then, I felt so sad for not hearing "Thank you", and it lead to arguments.

So far, I already got used to what he is, and he got used to me, too.

In addition, I learnt "not expect anything when you do something for others"

and now, I am trying to actually take the idea into my life.

It seems difficult to achieve it in short period.

But I believe making action is what counts.

This book was published in 1997,

so some portion of the contents are not surprising any more.

However, I found some universal things or something touching.

Although I have not read the book through,

I am sure this book, or the idea "Give & Given", will be

one of my VIEs (=Very Important Expressions ;)).