I'm really starting to get fucking fed-up with my immune system and overall health.
All these goddamn illnesses just magically flare up from one week to another and I'm starting to wonder if it will ever end. And it can't ever be something simple. Nope. It's always gotta be something that I have to end up spending over $500 in doctor visits and medicine. I always have to be the 1% or 20% that suffer from the worst part of the virus. And it always seems to be stuff that doesn't have cures. Example; My HSV-1. 90% of people carry the virus, but only about 30% get continuous outbreaks (and is incurable). Guess whose in that 30%? ME!! And then the re-occurent issue I have with my eye swelling up randomly. I still have no fucking clue what the cause of that one is and my doctor is seriously an idiot, I don't know why they don't revoke his goddamn doctors license already. He's too fucking old to be doing this anyways. But he always tells me its just from debris getting in my eye.. uh NO. If that were the case all my family would have the same issue. And I never stay outside for more than 5 mins where wind could lift a piece of debry into my eye. And now I have more fun health issues I get to deal with!! OH THE JOY!!! I should just make it to where I have this giant fucking gathering and party/celebration every time I find out I have a new health issue. I would be partying all the damn time.
This year has just seriously been the worst. But this day more in specifically has just been way too fucking unbelivable. Deaths. Diseases. Family issues. Good friends trying to endure really bad hardships. Financial issues. Oh god and the list goes on for today.
And on top of all this I also have to deal with my depression. Its seriously like WTF?! What point do I have to reach for this to just be enough and stop!? I'm convinced with my luck the next big thing I'll end up getting will be AIDS from working with patients and blood.
I have never cried with so much anger and despair as I have today. I don't know how much more I can handle. I don't know how much more I can take of this life just constantly beating me down with all this crap. The suicidal thoughts just keep coming back stronger each time something else surfaces. I just find it so fucking hard to find the point in it all. What am I really living for? What is so important that I must stay in this world suffering from one thing or another. Why must I put up with all this shit when I could just set myself free from all the misery. When I can just end all the pain, both mentally and physically. I just don't know anymore.
Sometimes when I'm driving I start to trail off into these deep thoughts and get an urge to just spin the wheel violently to where I'd get into an accident that could assure me death. And every time I think about it, it really doesn't seem like a bad idea. I'm too weak to handle this all. I just want the selfish way out. I wish I had the guts to do it right now.
And no one think for a second I write all this for pity. No ones words are that much value to me that I'd sit here wasting my time writing all this just for someone who doesn't understand to come lay crapsterfuck words showing compassion. It's just not like that.
I do believe that if someone with a gun walked into my house right now and wanted to shoot me, I'd find it to be a blessing.
blahhhhhhhhhhhh
I have to stop thinking about home so much..
It just makes me cry and be misrable.
Only place I can be free
and feel happy for a while
is at work.... my co-workers are the best.
They make me smile,
even if its for only a little bit.
Ughhhhhhhhh
Will I ever be able to go back there...
どしようかみさま。。。
このきもち。。さびしいです。。。
かなしいです。。ひとりです。。。
なんで！！！！！！！！