End of Year Post & Tokyo

Hello and Welcome back to my Blog 

(that I haven't updated for a million years)

It's been a while again and I can kinda see a returning habit of mine:
Creating Blogs, planning on updating them regularly but ending up not doing anything at all.
This time however I have some pretty good excuses that are actually pretty good reasons not to bother about updating my Blog. 

As of today, the 21st of December 2015, it has been 3 Months and 20 days ever since I have arrived in Japan. 
By the time you are reading this entry, I am probably on my way to Tokyo or I might even already roam Tokyo's streets. 
It's a monday today and I just felt like it's time for another Blog-Entry. 
Ever since the day that I  arrived Japan, things kept going up and down.
After just one month of being in here, I had to leave the country and fly to another country to visit my Grandmother who was lying in hospital. I stayed two weeks away from Japan and as I returned, I knew nothing was ever going to be the same any longer.

I needed a break from certain things and I couldn't concentrate on anything at all. 
My studies here in Japan have been neglected ever since and I have to admit that I have not been able to improve my language skills at all. One of the things that I have always been wondering about was how it was possible for some people to come here, live here for half a year (or more) but not improve their language skills at all. I now know. 

It is possible to survive and live in Japan with barely to zero language knowledge at all. 

It's starting to become a problem for me since my main goal was to improve my language skills here but I am not doing shit. I returned to Japan after my grandmother's funeral and I have ever since not given a single fuck about anything at all.

I am okay with it, though. I think it is okay this way.
I am not blaming myself for anything because what happened was not preventable.
The two weeks that I spent away from Japan have changed me entirely and it's not like I didn't know it was going to happen. The things I have seen, heard and witnessed in those two weeks have made me become another person. I can't go back to who I was before and I have come to accept it. 
Because what happened there was too much to bear, too much to understand and too much of a burden to not influence me. 

2015 has been a very important - I would even go as far as to say that it has been my most important - year so far.
2015 was the most terrifying, most horrible, most cruel and at the same time the most precious year of my life. 
2015 has taught be more lessons that I could take.
2015 took away more from me than I could bear. 

but

2015 also gave me more than I have ever received in my last 23 years of life.
2015 has showed me that there was more to life than I already thought there was.
2015 has opened doors for me that I didn't know existed.
2015 has started a fire in my heart that can never die.

2015 has changed me.
I am not the same person I was during spring time.
I am not the same person I was during summer time.
I am not the same person I have been for 23 years.
But I am still me. 
I know who I am, I know what I want and what I don't want.
I know what to cherish and what to erase from my life.
I know who is good and who is bad for me.
I know when to give it all and when to slow down
because otherwise my fragile heart might break.

When I look back to the first months of this year, I can't believe that the person in my memories really is a part of me. I have never been weaker than I have been this spring but I have also never been stronger. 

When I look back to this year's Summer 2015, I have to say I have never been happier.
I have never laughed more than I have this summer. 
I met people, precious people that opened doors and showed me new worlds.
I can't find the right words to express the importance of this year's summer to me. 

When I look back to the last months of this year, I see myself slowly changing into something I couldn't understand. A change so drastically that even I noticed it myself. I kept wondering what was happening to me, could not explain what was going on in my head, tried to deny and fight against it
- until I realised that what I doing there the whole time was actually fighting a war against myself. 

The me that was crawling on the ground, dragging herself forward in spring, the me that barely knew how to walk in her own feet, struggling like a newborn in summer - they all are part of who I am today.

Standing on my own feet, walking on my own path, running from the demons of my past, flying, carried away by the wings of music, dreaming higher than the sky. 

In spite of all the Ups and Downs that I have experienced during my stay abroad, I am truly blessed to say, that I have found kind and beautiful people here in Osaka. People that are now a part of my every day life. 
When I first came here, I was sure that there was no way I could ever find anyone who could possibly handle the noisy and sarcastic person that I am. 

People say I am full of energy, that I am temperamental. They say I am cheerful. They say I have a bubbly personality that makes others laugh. I don't know to what extend any of that is true, all I know is that I want to be myself. Even if that means that to some people, I will always only be that noisy, annoying person, that expresses her opinion way too aggressively, too bluntly. 

My friends know that I am not always smiling. They know I am sometimes tired of laughing and smiling, they know that I sometimes do not have the energy to socialise and lock myself in my room for days. But I know that it is okay. I know I am not alone and I know they will support me, no matter what I do, which decisions I make and whatever path I choose to go. They cheer me up and care for me. Never in my life have I experienced so much kindness and love - leaving my family aside of course.

Weeks and months have passed and I am proud to say that despite our first doubts and worries in the beginning, we all here have found each other.
We laugh together, cry and suffer together, we walk together and we grow together. 
We are a family, bond by love, loyality and support (and food). 
Thank you from the Bottom of my Heart for taking me for who I am. 
For loving and caring for me day by day, no matter how happy, sad, upset or moody and aggressive I am. 
Your patience and kindness were and will never be taken for granted.
Thank you for everything. 

With Christmas and New Year just around the corner, I think it is quite common for everyone to look back and think about the good and bad things that happened this year. This is also the time of the year when people start to come up with New Year's Resolutions and all the things that they hope to change for the better next year.
I have once been one of those people but I am not anymore. 
I am not obsessed with the idea of making up new resolutions.
90% of all those resolutions will be forgotten by the second week of the new year anyway and 2015 has beaten the last sparks of naivety out of me. 

My next and last stop for this year is Tokyo.
8 years of my life have I made decisions, carefully choosing my path with the intention to eventually make it to Tokyo one day.
8 years of chasing my dreams that got ruined by one fatal decision, ruined by one moment, ruined by one encounter with one low-life human arsehole whom's cuntface I now have to endure every single day. A face that challenges my patience and morals every single day of my stay abroad. A face that made me discover a terribly dark side of myself I never knew existed. A face I hate with a burning passion. 
8 years of my life have I been so sure about what I wanted and where I was going until the day I actually arrived here in Osaka. Missed my dreams and goals by approx. 500km. 

It is okay because it was me who made the final decision to give it a go and to do it anyway.
It was me who accepted to challenge myself in the most painful way and it was me who agreed to never surrender until the second that I take my last breathe. 

I can't believe that I will finally go to Tokyo, where I actually planned to go.
All those weeks and months of enduring sleepless nights and nightmares will someday fade and become nothing. I know my fight is not over, I know there is yet more to come but with the support that I have here, I know I can do anything.
Seeking revenge does not indicate weakness if you know how to.
In that case, I choose success. 

Kill them with Kindness and Bury them with a Smile.

I wish all of you the very Best. Follow, chase and live your Dreams. 

My new year's resolution for 2016 will be to continue what I have already started.

A 110% Focus on my Goals, a 110% Willpower and a 110 Reasons to Never give up. 


I don't know where I am going but I am on my way. 

2 - Arrival

HELLO EVERYONE
And welcome to my first Blog-Update from Japan

It's been 10 Days ever since I have checked in to this Dormitory yet I just did not feel like updating my Blog any earlier as I have been busy settling in, etc. 

Haven't done that much yet, though.
The weather in the first days was kinda too hot, too humid.
Made me feel tired and unmotivated throughout the days but it's a bit cooler outside now so it's fine.

Anyway, back to September 5th.

I got up at 4:30 am in the morning that day because I had to catch the train that left at 7:20 in Osnabrück.
My family drove me to the trainstation, approx. 86km apart from my hometown and that was where we said Good-Bye.  I can clearly remember their faces when the doors of the train closed and the train started moving. I could see they were trying very hard not to look sad, I could see they were trying to smile though they really wanted to cry. It doesn't seem like a big deal to others but I have always been very close to my family and I have never really left them for such a long time. Japan isn't London. It's not just around the corner and it sometimes does feel weird to be so far away.
7 Hours ahead, almost 9000 km apart. 

- Click Pictures to Enlarge -

When I arrived in Düsseldorf around 10:30 am, the sun was still shining as I sat down outside to wait for M17 to come and pick me up. 
Time flew by, we laughed, made jokes and for just a moment it didn't feel like I was going to leave Germany. Everything seemed so normal until we actually had to say Goodbye at the Airport. 
My friends Hendrik and Sayuri also came to the Airport.
Hendrik had to leave earlier because he was actually working that day and just came to the airport to give me a letter and say Goodbye. 
M17 and Sayuri sticked with me until the very last minute. 
I think this Goodbye was the most dramatic and emotional Goodbye of my life  so far.
Thank you for picking me up, M17 & thank you Sayuri for being there even though you didn't want to see me walk away. 

Getting ready for take off. 
I cried my eyes out during security and passport check. 
Basically cried my way through the checkups and I felt so helpless when I thought that I took to long to say Good-Bye and my Gate was about to close. 
Missing the flight ? Just so me. 
I was lucky though because they had a delay of 30 minutes.

I remember the flush of adrenaline when the plane speeded up,
remember the sound of the running gear on the ground that slowly started to fade
I remember how I took one of my travel sickness pills
and how I closed my eyes, wishing I could escape the plane. 

I flew with the Emirates so our first stop was Dubai International Airport. 
Service was great, so I'd definitely fly with them again.

Picture taken above the clouds.
If anyone ever asked me what colour freedom is, I would probably answer that it is blue.

The travel sickness pill kicked in approx. 30 minutes after I took it and it knocked me out for a full 6 hours. 

Arrived in Dubai.
Too bad I couldn't capture it's true beauty.
I mean it's just the airport but the view outside was seriously breath-taking. 
An ocean of lights.

I had an 3-hour stop in Dubai where I actually went to the counter and exchanged some money in order to buy drinks at the airport. It's always so weird to be in another country, having to deal with another unknown currency and ending up buying some of their over-priced airport stuff.

When I arrived in Dubai the outside temperature was 32°C.
And it was Midnight. 

First signI saw when I walked out of the plane.
What a coincidence.

I honestly thought Dubai International Airport would be somewhat dope since it's Dubai but nope.
Normal Airport like any other Airport.

Getting ready for take off again. 
A 9 hour flight ahead and since I get bored really easily, I just took another travel sickness pill.
Big mistake, I tell you.

That second travel sickness pill seriously send me flying and when the food arrived,
I was so stoned, numbed, drowsy and beside myself I couldn't lift a finger. 

My breakfast. Can you guess.

Arrived in Osaka on 6th September 2015, 5pm local time and had to somehow kill the next 17 hours at the Airport because I signed up for the University's staff to pick me up on Monday, 07th September 2015 at 10 am.
I was actually thinking about getting a hotel room for the night but when I checked the internet earlier, I found that they had a chilling lounge area at the Airport, also places to sleep and the airport was open 24 hours anyway.
No risk, no fun.

Well, I'd say that Kansai International Airport's interior has a very ... lovely colour.
There were a lot of places to eat, 24/7 supermarkets that provide food and drinks the whole night.
It was warm and really quiet, so it really was no big deal to stay at the airport over night as I didn't really feel like sleeping anyway. 

I don't really know what else to say about my arrival here in Japan.
Not that I don't have anything to say, it's just that I am still not capable of finding the right words to describe how I feel. 
It was when I saw Japan from above. 
When I saw that we were losing altitude.
When the running gears hit the ground, when the plane landed
that I started crying again.
A dream that I had been working towards for almost 8 years was about to come true,
I landed safely and a journey was about to beginn
But why aren't I overwhelmed by joy and euphoria?
Why is it, that I feel absolutely nothing when I walk down the streets here, why don't I freak out in excitement when I walk around Namba for hours?
Everything just feels so unreal and I think that I will just need some more time to settle in and I am sure that when university finally starts, I will be happier.
Osaka wasn't the place that I wanted to come to in first place, maybe that is why I am not 100% satisfied with my situation. Maybe that is why secretly my heart is still longing for the other side of the country. Its just not the same and it still upsets me to a certain degree. I wonder when that feeling is going to leave me completely.

I really miss my family and friends in Germany, duh. 

I have been able to make new friends here in Osaka, however.
They make my days here in Osaka worthwhile and we laugh a lot (and a bit too loudly) together.
I really can't wait for university to finally beginn. 

Looking forward to having loads and loads of fun moments together with my squad here.

Stay tuned and until next time

- COMMENT HERE -

1 - First Entry

Good Evening, World and
Welcome to the first Entry of my Blog

4 Days left and I have decided to just launch this Blog as I really can not be arsed to work on this Blog's Layout anymore. 

I am fully aware of the fact That there Are many options to Improve the loading speed of this Website but Leverage Browser caching, Properly Formatting and Compressing Images, Minifying Javascript, HTML and CSS just to Increase the Page Speed?! Nah, not Now. 

So if you are a visitor of my Blog and it does take a while to load the whole page, I hope you are kind and patient enough to forgive me my lazy ass.
I just really do not want to spent a single second in the layout and design section of this Blog anymore as is has been quite a tough journey getting through the japanese and stuff on here.

Also, this Design was adjusted to Google Chrome Users. I did not always use Websafe Fonts because Websafe Fonts are boring and yes, 2015 and we still do have to worry about Websafe Fonts. If you are using any other Browser, some parts of this Blog may appear slightly differently but if you are only here for the text anyway, then this should not bother you. 
I have not yet connected Ameba-Server with my credit card to remove ADs, so if you are not using any AD-Blockers, then I am sorry about all the stupid ADs that are currently ruining my design. I will fix it as soon as possible. I checked it using another Browser and it looks horrible with all the unnecessary Advertisement going on here. 

That's all for the Design.

Now back to my flight and journey abroad. 

As many of you already know, I am about to leave for my study abroad on this Saturday.
Destination: Suita, Osaka, Japan 
Kansai University of Osaka
Official Period of Stay is Fall-/Wintersemester 2015 until Summer 2015 (11 months)
My Visa is valid for 1 Year 3 Months
Real estimated duration of stay: 5 - 6 Months

Why only half a year? some of you already asked.
Because I have my reasons for wanting to finish my studies in Germany as soon as possible and going overseas for a year would have me end up needing 5 years just for a Double Bachelor's Degree. 4 Years okay, I already included that when I started my studies in 2013 but as always, things never go the way you plan and my schedule has slightly been messed up ever since. And seriously, 5 years? I don't have time for that. 
It did really upset and annoy me that the dream I had been working towards for almost 8 years now turns out to be nothing at all. Made the wrong decisions, met the wrong people and here we are. 
Just about two weeks ago I really thought about throwing everything overboard and staying here instead of going overseas. It made me feel frustrated that I have always wanted to go to Tokyo as that is where my family members are and that is just where my dreams are located. 
I wanted to go to Tokyo, apply for an elite university and chase my teenage dreams but instead I am now going to Osaka, approx. 500km apart from Tokyo at some random University I did not want to apply for. 

Some people that I have talked to did not understand where my problem lies. I am sure that those of you who really have a dream, however, will understand why I am so upset about it. It is like wanting to move to Korea but ending up in China instead. Like wanting to go to Hawaii but ending up somewhere in London. Like wanting to eat your favourite dish but getting something else instead. Everything is still exciting but it will never really satisfy your soul's craving. It will never let your heart beat as fast as when you get what you desire. 

I have been thinking a lot about this stay abroad and I have avoided booking a flight until 11 days ago. When everybody else already had their tickets months ago, I was still hesitating, not sure about whether or not I really wanted to go. It wasn't like I couldn't have managed and organised all my documents earlier, I just didn't want to. Because secretly I just wanted to give up on what I have been waiting for for 8 years. Just the thought of having to book a flight and leaving the country for a year or half a year made me agonise and panic. It left me terrified and even now, I am still suppressing the thought that I will be leaving on Saturday.
It messes me up and I am scared of what is going to happen when I leave, what's left when I return and who is going to still be by my side when next year in February I will be coming back home. 

I have nothing to lose. I will leave this place empty handed and I am not expecting anything at all because with expectations there will only be disappointments.
I am thankful, however, for the possibilities provided.

I have spent months thinking about Osaka and I have decided to give it a try. 
Just give it a shot, go abroad, give myself a chance to chase my dreams of 8 years.
I am curious about the city, curious about the people, curious about the way this journey is going to change me and my view on the people and life. I am curious about the future, curious and scared about the changes that are going to take place when I am not here. 
I am curious to see who is going to still be there when I return.
Half a year is not a lot of time but half a year can change a whole lot. 
I have seen myself change in just a second, by just one sentence.
I have seen people change in the blink of an eye. 
I have seen that everything is possible in this life.

Some people told me not to make such a big fuss about this but for me this isn't just some random business trip. It is more than that and I do not think that I have to explain myself at any time. 

These last days here in Germany, I will be spending some time with my family, see a few friends and pack my stuff. 

My flight is on Saturday, 09th September 2015 at 15:25 via Dubai arriving at Kansai International Airport (KIX) at 17:10 which is about 10am for people in Germany.

Thank you everyone for being a part of my life until now.
It would be real nice to see you again after this journey but if not, that's okay, too.
People come and go. 

>> COMMENT HERE <<