I am not being the me I want to be. I dont care enough about work to be there. I am feeling ill lately and it may be because I'm willing it on myself.
I escape too much.
I am trying to find ways where I can simultaneously escape while being in the presence of my family.
What i really need to do is buck up and do the shit I need to do. There's a lot of shit that needs to happen. I started making a list... I should write it down and put it in a place where I can see it.
We have white board but I dont know the best place to put it.
I am constantly second guessing my friendships, especially and particularly that with A and Z. I often overthink terrible scenarios where they be talking shit about me. Idk why. I do know why. Because I hate myself. Because I know the typed of person I am and it is pathetic and sad. Is it though? What am I comparing it to? I am happy doing what I am doing. Just no one else is happy. I need to find balance. That learn to serve part. I think I'm always serving and I'm tired of it. Sometimes it's fine but sometimes people want me to do things they can easily do themselves. I know it's because they want my attention but I am tapped out. My recharge is long and slow and the usage goes quick. I'm a defected battery. Sometimes I work and do all the things I need to do, but then battery is depleted. And I literally cannot. It's not bad, it's different and I know I'm not the only person like this.
Bleh.