Right now... I'm just really lonely and I wish I had someone I could talk to who understands.
I feel like I've started over fresh after my parents came back. Even if it wasn't for long, that break from them was such a stress-free relief. Now I feel like all the bad feelings, the betrayal, the lies and hurt are all renewed and it hurts more than before. I know I should be used to it, and even though I was, now that they're back I just feel like I'm back where I started.
I want to make friends, but it's really hard. I can't connect with people. I can get along with anyone and I can have good conversations with them, and I think people might feel attached to me, but I just can't feel a bond for anyone. Even if I can get to know them, I don't really care. I just feel so disappointed with everyone around me. They all feel so boring that I don't want to bother. It's really not that there's no effort, I'm trying and I've been trying. I just can't feel anything for anyone.
Even if I want a 'friend' I can share things with I realized I'm actually scared to do this all over again. I know I'll only be hurt again and this really scares me. I don't think I can stand it if I get attached to someone only for them to hate me, again. It's happened so much already that I don't trust anyone anyway.
Honestly, I'm just really sick of everyone around me. I'm really sick of all the lies. I don't know what's the truth and what's not and I don't know whose word to trust because everyone has been lying all the time. Lying to me and about me. I don't even know what my stepmom must be saying about me now. Even the lies she told in the past still hurt. Thinking back, it's really painful to remember that my closest friend believed her words over mine. Especially when it was about me. Instead of blindly believing it, why couldn't she ask me? We were so close then. There shouldn't have been anything she needed to hide from me. There were secrets I told her that nobody else had ever known. I don't care for what we had anymore, but it really bothers me that she kept what she was told a secret and didn't believe me. How do I know that I won't be betrayed like that again? How do I know I'm not being betrayed right now?
I'm too tired to keep ranting. There's no point but I needed to get it out.