Life

※重い話

ほぼ英語

もう２−３年ほど香港に帰れなかったので

久々にお祖母様お祖父様(両方の)墓参り(みたいなもん)しに

道教寺院へ

日本語で説明できないが

仏壇みたいかな…

今年中旬ぐらい亡くなった叔母様もそこに

(そこでは設置しなかった理由は後でママから聞いた)

叔父様、お祖母様お祖父様、父側の先祖様

うん

やっぱり言いたいこと上手く書けないので

英語にするわ

So today my brother and I went to the Taoist institute where our grandparents (both maternal and paternal, also paternal great grandparents) as well as our beloved uncle have memorial tablets. This institute being located in HK makes it easier for us to be able to pay our respects and to look after their spirits throughout the year (also for those of us to visit when we make our way back to HK) compared to going all the way to their final resting places which are in China (my paternal grandparents are also in their hometown which doesn't allow visits to the graves outside of specific times...usually when those of us living outside of HK cannot make it back)

I had though perhaps my dear aunt who passed away earlier this year would also have a memorial tablet installed here but it seems because of the border closures to China at the moment, my uncle was unable to place her at her final intended resting place in his hometown.

My brother and I had prepared mentally for this visit and honestly neither of us thought we were going to cry this visit as we have had time to process our grief. I regret not being able to see my dear beloved uncle and aunt before they passed respectively...and I think that'll always be on my mind somewhere. But I've worked through my emotions and have spoken to those I trust to work through it.

The thing that shocked us today was we did not know one of our younger cousins had also passed away. My mum said she wasn't going to mention it if we didn't go to the institute today for the visit. She probably didn't want us to be upset...but I think I would have rather known.

He had passed away about 2, almost 3 years ago around the time COVID begun it seems. My mum said he has gone to find his dad (the uncle who passed away. One of our favourite uncles which was why it also hit us particularly hard. The aunt who passed...I knew she wasn't well physically but I had hoped to be able to see her in person again one last time...but was unable to travel to HK until now due to the pandemic. She took a turn for the worse and passed earlier in the year. She also looked after us a lot when we were kids spending our summers in HK...I have many fond memories of both relatives)

My grandparents from dad's side passed away a long time ago. My grandmother before I was born and my grandfather when I was under 2. So I don't remember much. My grandparents from mum's side was when I was 13 and when I was about 24 or so. I was thankfully able to see both one last time before they passed but once in a while it still hits me pretty hard .

Now about the baby cousin.

I still remember when he was born. I'm 10 years older at the very least. Loved him to bits and would play with him heaps whenever we spent summers in HK. Being much older we were also tasked with some babysitting duties and would take him down to play at the park or go shopping at the supermarket. I remember using his photo on my science book in high school as we had to wrap our books and I just really wanted to show how cute he was.

As we grew, we weren't as close anymore due to various reasons. One being that him growing up in HK and us overseas meant that we didn't have many common topics to talk about. But we still enjoyed each other's company when we would have family dinners together.

I remember last I heard, it was around the time I was living in Japan...he had decided to become a chef. I feel regret that I didn't try to reach out more and talk with him.

I wonder how he felt. He must have felt so alone. He was always a very sensitive boy, so kind hearted. Talking with my brother...we were thinking how he seemed to have less of a support system compared to his brother. We hope his brother is doing well...

It got increasingly difficult to catch up with them as they grew up...as they have their own lives and reasons.

I'll think back to the moments we did get to share with dear SL in our youth. I'll miss you heaps buddy. I hope you're at peace now and reunited with 🐢 and grandma grandpa too.

It was really shocking today and I couldn't control my emotions when I saw your face looking back at me on the memorial tablet.

I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.

So sorry I didn't reach out more to stay in touch as we grew up.

So sorry I didn't notice you struggling.

I'll never forget you. You'll always be my baby cousin. You'll be in my heart forever and I hope you know how much I do love you.

I'll make sure to visit you and grandma, grandpa, uncle...everyone when I come back to HK.

The sky was so clear and blue today. I'd like to think you are all up there watching over us.

I'll continue to do my best.

I think talking about it with my brother and trusted friends...as well as writing out what I'm thinking, feeling here really helps me to process it all. It's quite personal...but as this blog is basically just for my own personal use...this seems to be the place to do so.

Once in a while bouts of grief still wash over me...and I think it'll continue to do so.

Writing this out kinda helped me work things through a bit and have a bit more of a cry.

We did do some other things today and I intended to make a separate post...more lighthearted and covering the food we had for lunch and dinner etc...

But I think I've effectively drained myself for now so I'll leave it til tomorrow I guess.

I'll continue to practice my Japanese tomorrow.