hmm................so depressed for these few days..since the day before Sunway U orientation..I don't think that I will feel like this....I just don't feel I belongs to Sunway~ ( Although I had a really happy time with my new friend and went to Sunway Pyramid...even feel like staying in dorm.) I kept thinking about my friends and figuring out my life in UNITEN..what am I doing now at this time when I was in UNITEN,,(Actually I also felt like this during my earlier days in UNITEN, what am I doing at home now..?) all the images just flow in my mind. I can't even smile now. Keep thinking should I continue my CFAB or back to UNITEN. The worst thing now is, I GOT TO CHOOSE, YOU KNOW!! If I can't choose to go back to UNITEN, I may not be so depressed but now, I really can choose, it's still early for me to quit Sunway and back to UNITEN, but try to think about the future. Both of the future are good. Studying CFAB, my life will be dull but stable.....in UNITEN, the future might not be promising but I will enjoy a lot if I got the chance to sudy and Japan, and my heart is on UNITEN~ So..it's difficult. Making decisions are not easy..I cried just now, while listening to our graduation song by YUZU. I cried finally. I miss everything there terribly!! I can't wait till Saturday's interview and I can go back to UNITEN and meet my friends. They are just so cute. I even had crazy thoughts like if the interview session ends late, we may go eat in UP10 or even.........overnight in our dorm..(but we returned our keys already..) Now, if I can't stand the feeling of missing UNITEN, I would just go to Facebook, watching Japanese channel..I am a little out of Korean stuffs cause that reminds me of Sunway. So, which choice is better? UNITEN? SUNWAY U?
Maybe I should ask my UNITEN friends.~ I want to re-live my days in UNITEN~! it's okay of if I have to erase all my memories in UNITEN..
you know~ i shouldn't be ambitious..i really don't like what I am..I dont deserve to get the best? I was shocked when I turned on my PC and checked my mailbox..Korean Government Scholarships..I am not selected..My studying in overseas dream..is smashed down again..Can I actually go overseas?? A fortune teller told me that I will be studying overseas but now.....I still don't see anything..any sign of it..I placed a lot of hope on this Korean Government Scholarships..I thought this can make me study abroad..and of course..I wanted to stay in Korea..but..ya~ no..this is not my thing..I am sad and down now....what should I do? I don't have any other ways already..I can't put hopes on anything..But yeah..all the best doesn't belongs to me..I am just an invisible yet super ordinary person who lives in this world without people knowing my existence..I can't even cry now~ I am truly sad but..no tears flow through my eyes.. I wrote essays, went back to school and asked my teachers to write me 2 recommnedation letters..then..so what? all my efforts gone to zero..oh ya, did I mentioned that my teachers or my school's kakitangan lost my koko books again? I tried so hard to earn my marks in my lower forms and I achieved a lot of things......but yet..they lost my records and all gone to zero. And again. I aksed for marks from teacher and they lost it again! Why is my effort so invaluable? I felt so light and felt so invaluable. Nobody in this world appreciates me.......I am just nothing..Nobody knows me..I am lonely..all I can imagine myself is alone..no other person standing beside me..........Can I be successful in the future.............?
hmm..i cried now.T.T Can anyone please comfort me?
I am in the age of growing up~..From now onwards, I have to do everything by myself..even if I don't really like it. In my life till now, I don't have any worries about my studies or even communicating with people, cause I think at that age..I don't need to have much relationship with people..as I am only a student.
But now, everything changed..I had 1st fail in examinations in my life..failed in piano theory exam, school monthly exam..since form 4, I experienced failing in examination, not to say fail a lot..but low marks. I always thought that I don't have worries in studies..cause I can always make it.
And now, I am a fresh graduate already. I have to be very independent to solve all my problems, overcome the stress of deciding what to do in the future. Finding for tertiary education institutions..seriously..i really don't like it. I had decided clearly what to go and had some plans in my mind but recently, I heard that one of my friend is having the same course as what I have decided in my mind..it's not a big deal..i just don't like to be the same. I tried to think of other plans..but no..I can't think of anything better than that.
I am trying to apply to Korean universities nowadays, it's a scholarship program for Undergraduate studies by Korean government. I had already knew this about 2 years ago and stated clear in my mind to apply for this after I graduate from secondary school, as this is one of the criteria. In every appications, either the US or Korean or Japanese, I can complete everything but one thing I don't like is teacher recommendations. It's not that I don't behave well or blacklisted..I just don't have the guts to go back to school with casual attire and wanting the teachers to do something for me. I am also shy to look at the juniors..yeah I don't why. So, what the program requires is 2 teacher recommendations. damn it..i knew this earlier..and yeap..I got telephone numbers from teachers I 'mok' already. hehe~ Counsellor is always helpful. Another teacher, I like her very much and I can really talk to her a lot. I can talk a lot to both teachers and I love them deep in my heart. But just now, when I called the other teacher, she was like not in a good condition, a little sick. I knew that she went to hospital sometimes, when I was still in school. When I told her I want to go to school at Monday, she said she will be going to the hospital, so I changed my plan and informed my counsellor. When I called back to the teacher, I don't know whether my talking was too fast or my voice, she does't sound too patient as she was before, maybe because she is just ill. I am sorry if I interrupted you, teacher, I don't mean to but I need your help. I hope she won't have bad image on me. I am very sensitive to people's attitude and feelings to me. I don't want them to hate me. So, I had always try to be good in front of everybady. I am quite inconsistent as I can entertain people sometimes, but also become quiet sometimes. Most of the people, I looked at their eyesights, I just don't think they like me. Am I that..annoying?? That's why I kept wondering what should I do to please people. I cannot accept something like " You don't have to please everybody", " Sure got someone don't like you"..etc. If I have feelings that people around me don't really have good feelings about me, I will feel very depressed. I am used to be alone, and "ditch" by people, people don't know my existence or whatever. I don't really mind all these as long as they don't hate me. And also, calling people..I think I have phobia towards telephones and calling..people. I scared that I will be scolded by them. Just like just now, I felt sad when I heard my teacher's voice as if she was impatient. I am so depressed. I know communications and relationships between humans are important but what should I do in order to ahcieve these things??
