The IPSA will be on you like an I-dont-know-what I wasntworried about the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority; when theylooked a little closer at the item my wife had pointed out theyd be amazed.Far from unnecessarily costing the taxpayer thousands of their hard earnedpounds on pointless frippery, I had actually found an astonishing bargain.Surely it wouldnt be unreasonable to expect the taxpayer to pick up a modestfive hundred pound tab for the enormous bespoke wallpapermuralCompare the wizard value of my mural to the extraordinaryprice the Secretary of State claimed for genuine replacement Hardman doorknobs upat the house after the unfortunate business with the Cornish separatists.
Whowould have thought brass was worth its weight in gold? A decent enough copycould have been found on Ebay, surely? Aaah, they said, We have to maintainthe integrity of Pugins masterpiece; and anyway it didnt come out of hisexpenses, apparently you dont have to replace your own door furniture after ascuffle involving pasties.You have to be considerably more cleverer than most MPs tonavigate the rules on spending other peoples money these days. I thought itwas perfectly reasonable to put my fact finding mission to the Islay distillerieson my parliamentary expenses. I tried to convince several departments there wasa future in grain based eco fuels but the brass hats and the pursed lips wouldntwear it and in the visit from the whips office there was definitely an actualthreat of limb re-arrangement and de-selection and not necessarily in thatorder. I made the right noises but honestly, I was baffled.
To cheer myself up I embarked on a little programme ofdecoration, both in London and up in the sticks. There wasnt a lot of scope inLondon what with the Grade 1 listing and everything so I just treated myself toa couple of lava lamps, a life size ceramic leopard (sitting) and some ratherjolly prints featuring Harriers sticking it to the Argies. Because Id onlyspent a couple of hundred in London I thought Id push the boat out a bit furtherup in the old constituency. And this is the result! Theyre frightfully cross andtelling me Ive got to give it all back or pay for it myself. Alright, maybethe gold bathroom suite was an indulgence too far and some of the pictures are GenuineOld Masters apparently; I thought they were nice pics of angels and what-notand surely an investment for Britain and Im British arent I? But Im diggingmy heels in with the wallpapermural.Theyll soon forget about me.