its currently midnight and i cant do anything else than being upset about everything. monday i have classes again and i dont like school, i feel lonely 24/7 even with a bf, bad relationship with food and health issues.. and i feel really behind because of scoliosis.
back in 2020 when i was 13yo i got diagnosed with severe scoliosis and that ruined my whole body and head, seeing girls my age have normal bodys without any "anomalies", with friends and being pretty always made me feel extremely jealous, my whole body was distorted bc of how bad my scoliosis was and i had to use a brace for 3/4 years 24h a day and from the beginning they told me i needed surgery. since all of this happened in 2020 during covid time hospitals started delaying everything and surgeries started getting behind too even if they were on extreme cases (like i was) so i had to find a way to have attention and feel better for myself. my parents argue everyday and at 13 i was extremely ill and not well i was also doing anything to feel a little attractive and i think i also ended up developing some kind of ED because of it, i started getting obsessed with loosing weight since that was the only way i could feel pretty and others could like me a bit and that habit stayed until today, i think in 2023 i recovered a bit from it but it just came back and honestly, its something that never left. i feel extremely ashamed of eating in public and mostly stay my school days starving so i can eat at home where i feel safe (even if ik ill feel guilty after). on March 30 2025 i finally had my spinal fusion surgery. i wasn't fully scared, i always wanted this surgery and even now dont regret it but i had some complications and ended up being hospitalized for 2 weeks, it was the worst pain i ever felt during my whole life, i stayed one week pos-operation recovering in the ER, learning how to move again and went back home after like 5 days but then my back started bleeding more and more and one the 3rd day the stitch wasn't even glued anymore and i had to go back to the hospital. first i went to a different one to re-do the stitch (first time i didnt cry or panick changing it lmao) and after 40min when i got back home it was the exact same as before, bleeding a lot again, so i really had to go back to where i had my surgery. i went back and it was already 4pm, i could stand for too long or eat and i had to stay up for like 4 hours until they finally give me a bed, at that point i couldn't breathe anymore and it ends up that what happened was that the place where the drain was didn't close right and started leaking so i had to stay another week there taking antibiotics in my vein to prevent infections or another surgery but in the end everything went well but i feel so behind right now. so many months passed and i know i can do "normal" things alone again but i feel like everything went on by so quickly, in my head im still in the hospital but in reality its just like "nothing happened"... i know not even one full year has passed and im the only person that knows how i feel but damn i wish i could be understood by someone else. im just so lonely and sad, everything makes me upset and i never say how i truly feel or vent to others but in reality this is how i feel. behind and lonely. i dont have a best friend or friends in general, i have one girl in my class that i walk around everyday and we're close but not best friends and i don't see us being friends forever. i only have my bf but he always makes me upset somehow even if he doesn't even mean it, yesterday he said he thought i was different in the beginning, "much better" than his ex, more talkative.. but in the end im just quiet and sad, he also said he never really saw me happy lmao. i literally got to a point where i vented to my mom and shes the closet thing i have as a "best friend" i see her like that even if i know im not her bsf and i cant tell her everything i wanted to but shes the one that in the end makes me smile the most. i wish i was different, i am allowed to cry and to feel weak, in the end i only have myself but i still create fake scenarios in my head to make me feel less lonely and loved 