It's been said that during depression or times of extreme happiness people write their best stuff. Right now I'm dealing with withdrawal from Paxil. It's a fine drug and all but getting off has strong consequences. I just took a bath with my girlfriend and I believe I experienced something that is true unconditional love. Caring for me as if I was a helpless patient... anyways that's not I want to write about right now. I'm not sure if it was the paxil that made dream tremendous dreams like wanting to change the world or if it was just me. I feel like a blade of grass in the wind right now. I say to myself that I can make my dreams come true one day only to wake up and immediately put myself down, that I wouldn't be able to handle the criticism of others. What I do know in the moment right now is that I want a family and that I want to raise my children to surpass me and with their own children to surpass them. Evolution. I read politics everyday and get so frustrated how petty things like greed get in the way of the overall good of mankind. It's that frustation I believe that fuels my dream to be somebody in this world that can change it for good someday. I use the stories of rags to riches or nobodies to somebodies as examples to live by, to keep going. I use anime to like one piece or gundamto keep me a child at heart and remember what it is like to dream but i also use my maturation into adulthood to remember that If I want to achieve a dream is that I also have to have a plan. There's so many blank and fuzzy spots to achieve my dream of spreading peace and advancing human kind. The only thing I do know is that I have to at least have stepiping stones to something small. No epic story justends with Jason just getting on a boat and returning withe fleece the next day. Ifit's one thing I learned about humanity or people or the mass is that they are never content with long term goals. Everyone wishes for instant results but life doesn't work like that. No one puts ou100$ everyday as it's too exhaustive. Which brings me to think about my goals asa person I wish I could be. Last year the lakers in the final game of a 7 game series went all out versus the celtics. They are most known for being a highly offensive team but that was muted out by the celtics own desire to win the championship. So they used every weapon in their arsenal to to just get the job done and achieve their end goal from the start of the season to: to win the championship. It wasn't a battle betwen good or evil (unless you're a diehard fan from either team) but it was about trying your best and giving it your all at the expense of your stamina and health. With the lesson being : at moments like this, where something is on the line that could be recorded in the history books for all time that you would give your all and sacrifice your body for weeks to recovery if you could just to be placed in the history books as an example for those in the future to get what the want the most. This even being on a basketball court didn't devolve into criminal like activities where one would step on the other just to get what they want. They played by the rules that game as best they could. watching this game was almost like reading a mythical story. so inspiring to me that I hold it as a prime example of a team working together with everyone giving 100% of their spirit and body. something that i am having trouble applicating to my own life.
another inspiring moment of mine is of an armless chinese man playing beautiful piano on a television show. His story of losing his arms at the age of 10 but still wanting to do something with his life even though he knew his life would never be the same and he will never be able to be a "normal person" anymore.
i think at this moment i know i will never be an average joe anymore i am surrounded by dreams not average. I want to make a difference and not for personal ambition but because I was presented with a gift to be able to see things for more than what they are when I was born and I want to use that gift because I believe its purpose for being given to me was to help the people around me. I don't want to to die anymore especially without helping anyone to reach their full potential. I do believe in the afterlife. Ibut that is just being a spectato i think. I didn't want to get a silver star by running to savinge my friend but end up dying. So i did the best I could by keeping us both alive. Even if it mean to just play dead as we will live to fight another day. the pain iwas unimaginable. No one would understand unlesss they were in the same positison. it is something that is beyound words. words which are ideas expressed vocally. these ideas just cannout be imagined from nothing and the only thing that helps is to give reference to a pain they experienced and multiply it. My girlfriend was writing a paper on euthanasia yesterday and it helped open my eyes a little to the idea of suicide. Many people say suicide is selfish but is it not selfish for the other parties involved to let them live through their pain? I know of one soty from when I was in highschool of a boy that crashed his parents car while high and killed himself. that sort of suicide is inexcuseable as he was still a child in a healthybody with a bright mind who definitely would be able to sustain the consequencesand move on but people who wish to be euthanised do not have a good body any more and if their mind is only occupied by pain. that is truly something to pity and to relieve their misery of it would be saintly. My gf asked me if i was terminal if i would want it, but I said no then because I believe i would still be able to teach my sons something if possible, but I don't know the pain they go through so I cannot make that judgement at the moment. Which is why I must reitterate that no one really knows another's pain. If there is a consensus among those terminally ill I believe that consensus should be looked upon by the supreme court as the prime evidence to legalize euthanasia, this is coming from someone who was in near death like pain. Would the same injury happen to me in a world with out modern medicine I would have succumbed weeks later to complications and definitely experience terrible pain.
and so I write about the world in general again but this time for each human's pain and reaction. Pain cripples the mental or physical faculties of a normal human being. the first example that comes to mind is all of those hurt by lovers and who abuse them back or worse. this pain to them that are experiencing it is probably uncommunicable to them. Maybe because they lack ability of expression in the vocal form so to them they do what they believe will let the other party be able to experience it: physical pain. Because of their lack of patience they seek instant gratification through letting their partner know what the pain they are feeling is. it is of my opinion that if we can teach and train our children to be patient we can decrease these near savage reactions. If we had no language or way to communicate we would all be feral and die alone unable to work together. In my current withdrawal state I want to be humanity incarnate. I want to progress from savage emotion driven actions... I want to evolve... I want to be a newtype. To be able to communicate without words to feel what the other person is exactly feeling not needing to be empathetic and imagine what the other is going through but to know exactly what it is so I do not step on the other person's toes to get what I want because I will know exactly how it feels so I don't step on theirs/my toes but to able to retain the imagination to achieve more and progress humanity even further down the line. We are stuck by the limitation of resources so we must take other's or live in envy. This downside of ambition, greed maybe something so ingrained in us that we might never be able to rid of it as humanity but I hope one day down the line we can lose it and be rid of 'conquerors'.
another inspiring moment of mine is of an armless chinese man playing beautiful piano on a television show. His story of losing his arms at the age of 10 but still wanting to do something with his life even though he knew his life would never be the same and he will never be able to be a "normal person" anymore.
i think at this moment i know i will never be an average joe anymore i am surrounded by dreams not average. I want to make a difference and not for personal ambition but because I was presented with a gift to be able to see things for more than what they are when I was born and I want to use that gift because I believe its purpose for being given to me was to help the people around me. I don't want to to die anymore especially without helping anyone to reach their full potential. I do believe in the afterlife. Ibut that is just being a spectato i think. I didn't want to get a silver star by running to savinge my friend but end up dying. So i did the best I could by keeping us both alive. Even if it mean to just play dead as we will live to fight another day. the pain iwas unimaginable. No one would understand unlesss they were in the same positison. it is something that is beyound words. words which are ideas expressed vocally. these ideas just cannout be imagined from nothing and the only thing that helps is to give reference to a pain they experienced and multiply it. My girlfriend was writing a paper on euthanasia yesterday and it helped open my eyes a little to the idea of suicide. Many people say suicide is selfish but is it not selfish for the other parties involved to let them live through their pain? I know of one soty from when I was in highschool of a boy that crashed his parents car while high and killed himself. that sort of suicide is inexcuseable as he was still a child in a healthybody with a bright mind who definitely would be able to sustain the consequencesand move on but people who wish to be euthanised do not have a good body any more and if their mind is only occupied by pain. that is truly something to pity and to relieve their misery of it would be saintly. My gf asked me if i was terminal if i would want it, but I said no then because I believe i would still be able to teach my sons something if possible, but I don't know the pain they go through so I cannot make that judgement at the moment. Which is why I must reitterate that no one really knows another's pain. If there is a consensus among those terminally ill I believe that consensus should be looked upon by the supreme court as the prime evidence to legalize euthanasia, this is coming from someone who was in near death like pain. Would the same injury happen to me in a world with out modern medicine I would have succumbed weeks later to complications and definitely experience terrible pain.
and so I write about the world in general again but this time for each human's pain and reaction. Pain cripples the mental or physical faculties of a normal human being. the first example that comes to mind is all of those hurt by lovers and who abuse them back or worse. this pain to them that are experiencing it is probably uncommunicable to them. Maybe because they lack ability of expression in the vocal form so to them they do what they believe will let the other party be able to experience it: physical pain. Because of their lack of patience they seek instant gratification through letting their partner know what the pain they are feeling is. it is of my opinion that if we can teach and train our children to be patient we can decrease these near savage reactions. If we had no language or way to communicate we would all be feral and die alone unable to work together. In my current withdrawal state I want to be humanity incarnate. I want to progress from savage emotion driven actions... I want to evolve... I want to be a newtype. To be able to communicate without words to feel what the other person is exactly feeling not needing to be empathetic and imagine what the other is going through but to know exactly what it is so I do not step on the other person's toes to get what I want because I will know exactly how it feels so I don't step on theirs/my toes but to able to retain the imagination to achieve more and progress humanity even further down the line. We are stuck by the limitation of resources so we must take other's or live in envy. This downside of ambition, greed maybe something so ingrained in us that we might never be able to rid of it as humanity but I hope one day down the line we can lose it and be rid of 'conquerors'.