From The Star newspaper
Wednesday February 11, 2009
By RUTH LIEW
In the face of death, children learn more about life.
THE year started on a sombre note for our family. A family member is critically ill. For the first time in their lives, my children are about to lose someone they love very much. They started to question their own vulnerability and wonder whether this will happen to them one day.
When someone in the family dies, adults are not the only ones who grieve. Children also feel the sense of loss. How much children can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences and personality. It makes it a lot easier when adults know what a child understands about death.
Learning to cope with death is a process for children and adults alike. There is no one way of doing things nor is there a right way. Adults seek consolation from the love and care of family and friends.
They rely on their faith in God. Like other mental, physical, emotional and language learning tasks, the child has to take small steps before he is able to leap.
Though death is painful, a sense of belonging exists when the family comes together to grieve. It helps for us to reflect on common values such as hope, love, faith and kindness which we share as a family. Children learn that material things are not that important anymore in death. Relationships among loved ones are cherished instead.
Children need space and time to learn to deal with death. They may have different ways of demonstrating their grief. Show understanding and patience as you let them deal with grief in a way that is comfortable for them.
You need not hide your own grief; be honest about your feelings. Your child will feel better when you share how you feel. He will be able to voice out his thoughts and feelings knowing that you can do it too. You can also reassure your child that no matter how sad you feel, you will still be available to take care of him.
Infants and toddlers may seem too young to know what death is. But they get a sense of sadness from the adults around them. Maintain the same routines for young children even when things around the house seem chaotic. Children need to feel secure in their routines and be around people they trust.
Preschoolers often see death as temporary and reversible.
Avoid saying, “Grandmother is only sleeping.” Or “She has gone to heaven.” It is better to be direct, and tell them “Grandfather has died” rather than “Grandfather is sleeping.” Young children are often confused by what adults tell them.
Listen carefully to what your children are saying and help them relate to what they see around them.
Acknowledge their feelings. Get them to put their ideas into drawing or write a story about it.
School-age children may sometimes wonder if they were the cause of the death. It is important to explain to them clearly and assure them that they are not the cause.
Most children get angry, worried and sad about death. They can also act up when struggling to come to terms with a cauldron of mixed emotions. Show your understanding instead of reprimanding them. Their feelings are as real as any adult’s.
Teenagers may hide their feelings and not show that they care. This does not mean they are not going through a difficult time. Do not be alarmed when they appear indifferent throughout the mourning period. They, too, need cuddles and hugs even when they do not show their grief.
Children can build a legacy of the departed loved one by doing special things together as a family. Plan out what each person can contribute to the project. A scrapbook or video can make a great keepsake.
One girl who lost her grandfather to cancer, decided to start a fundraising project called Hives for Lives. The proceeds are channelled to cancer-research foundations.
In the face of death, we celebrate life. In the process of learning about death, children learn more about life. This is a heartening time for the family to share and gather more memories so that life is revered.