Seventeen years of age and I am tired of life.
It feels as if I had fought through hundreds of wars, saved countless lives and lost many friends.
Seventeen years and I was tired.
I had lost my entire family, my father was never around, and my mother soon disappeared after my birth. My older twin siblings had disappeared six years apart. My mind and body had been dragged to hell and back, heaven and back, many times over. It was something normal people did not experience, nor ever will experience. It was simply a matter of time before I went insane.
Six months ago, my best friend was taken from me.
Fighting a war that he didn’t need to.
Is life fair?
Who is to decide that?
Is it an optimism/pessimism question where they ask you if your glass is half full or half empty?
Heh, my glass isn’t even filled, damn it.
Drained over the seventeen years that I wish I didn’t live.
One month ago, my girlfriend died in my arms. She smiled and told me to live on. She told me to keep all of them alive in my memories, in my heart. If I did it, they will be alive with me. We were to be married in a week.
That’s the kind of life that I lived. A life where loved had to be realized at a young age.
Sometimes when I am alone, and gazing at the night sky, I wonder if I was ever given a cup to fill.
I had nothing left to live for.
No friends, no love, no life.
No passion, no determination, no energy.
It was like the gods using me to lighten their boredom.
An adolescent boy sent to fight an alien invasion. Then send him to find a solution that solves half the world’s problems. A few days later, call him up to end all conflict in the world. Protect some existence that died later anyway.
A human mind can handle only so much.
Seventeen years and I was tired of life.
Girls had fallen out of the sky, woken up in the same bed as a girl without knowing how she got in, standing in shock as aliens descended from the sky, watching as cities burned from terrorists, every possible scenario that fiction writers come up with, I lived through it, survived through it. There was no way one could still smile after getting torn apart so badly.
It’s been a month since my girlfriend/fiancée died, half a year since my best friend.
Tomorrow’s my birthday.
My eighteenth.
I have nothing left to hold on to.
Nothing to fight for.
Nothing to live for.
I doubt I’ll last to my 19th.
Because tomorrow’s my birthday.
My eighteenth birthday.
The event occurred six times already. The first I lost my mother. The second took my childhood innocence. By the third, my only remaining family was gone as well. I lost the light in my eyes in the fourth. Regained it by the fifth and lost it again after the sixth. Maybe it was actually the seventh, if a previous time took my father.
It should never have occurred more than once.
Was I unlucky? Or was it what they called fate and destiny?
It was a year late, but it will definitely occur tomorrow.
Happy Birthday to me.
Why did I try to live on until now?
Was it because of her last wish? Was it because I felt the duty to carry on the legacies of my comrades? Or was I simply trying to find the reason behind the event?
I should get a cake tomorrow. She liked mocha tiramisu, but I liked vanilla ice cream cakes. Or strawberry and mango, for him? A single slice would be enough, there was nobody left to celebrate with me.
I lived on.
My eighteenth birthday, the event will occur, and it’ll be the start of another story.
The start of something that shouldn’t have happened to me again.
But I knew it was coming for me.
My heart kept beating for it. Nothing I did could allow me to escape it. I didn’t have to try, it was the inevitability of the situation that kept me alive.
Because it was the only thing that kept me alive.
The event needed me to occur.
I was the crux of it all. The core, the center.
I couldn’t say no, I couldn’t escape it.
The pain, the hurt, I will meet them again.
So what should I fight for?
The stars continue to shine, and the rain continues to fall. The waves erode the shore and the mountains still stand tall.
For the friends who had fought with me and died for me.
For the girl whom I loved, and loved me.
What meaning does my existence have?
Simply to entertain those bored fools who have not felt despair before?
I have walked with many, and I have walked alone. The many memories that I have made, in times of joy and sadness, are mine. But they are not mine alone, they belong to those that made them together with me.
They may not be physically around me, but their memories remain with me.
The existence of one human will not matter to the world. People will continue to live, the sun will continue to shine, the world will continue to rotate.
Do I have a reason to fight?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Even if I cannot see them anymore, even if my voice cannot be heard, even if darkness takes me over, even if the entire world goes against me, as long as I can see their smiles when I close my eyes, that is enough.
Life is precious.
It is important, and should not be carelessly tossed aside.
Sometimes people may end up alone, that is when tears are shed. The strong front that we put up is dropped and we can cry out the sadness that has built up. But after the storm, there is always the clear sky.
Tomorrow’s my eighteenth birthday.
It will be a fresh start.
Though not one of a new life, but that of a new story.
As I close the book to my past, I will bring the memories of those who had walked alongside me on this new journey.
The strength of those that had helped me in these seventeen years will be by my side.
The power of friendship.
When I watch the sunrise tomorrow, I will not be watching it alone.
Raiser, Lumeria, Sena, Rook, Erythen, Teucer, Aki.
These are only a few of the many whose paths had been intertwined with mine in these seventeen years.
They will all be there with me.
I will believe in the bonds that will accompany me no matter where I go.
The event will occur for the seventh time.
This time, I will have the best party of friends and comrades that anyone could ask for. The battles and wars we have fought together has given us the experience to face any challenge head on.
This time we are prepared.
This time I am ready.
This time, I will not fail.
And this time, I’ll burn it all.
