No matter how determine I am, how committed I am, how I do my fullest best and pour every effort that I have, it can't change the fact that I am an outcast to this group. I hate myself for being so dense not realizing that I shouldn't have joined in the first place. Now that I volunteered myself in here, they got no choice but to force themselves to accept me but I can still feel that I am an outcast. I may be dense and stupid but I think I know how to read poeple (tho not all but I can confirm this one that my guts aren't lying to me). Maybe they are a bit relieved that I can barely practice and play with them since I got busy so much in college stuffs.
It's so frustrating, ever since I was a kid it's my dream to be part of a team and follow my papa's foot steps. My sis also felt the same as I am so she gave up. For me, I don't want to give this up and I still grasp this small hope in me that one day I can play professionally. Even if it means of doing it by myself, I don't want to give up. Even if my teacher won't acknowledge me as part of this team, I still believe that one day I can be like him too.
I would like to address this to the future me who'll definitely read this. Please don't give up on your dreams. Please don't die yet. Make this 18-year old you be proud of the future you. Make her jealous of the progress and achievements you got. Please make this as your goal. And if ever you're reading this from maybe 10 or even more years from now, I hope you won't feel lonely when you can't and shouldn't talk to your friends about what's been bothering in your head. I mean, at this time it's really lonely but I hope you'll grow and become a fine adult and a reliable woman. Even if Komi-san has already ended and Aqours has already disbanded in your time. Please don't feel lonely and sad. Always remember that God saved you from depression and anxiety during this time so He'll definitely do the same in your time.
Lmao is supposed to be a rant blog but oh well. I hope the future me can read this.
P.S. I hope you already attended Shuka's live and Anchan's stageplay ^^
ーRei from 2021