ive been trying to get into blogging but nothing seems to stick recently... ive always loved blogging. but its been difficult recently. i dont know what i plan on posting on this site. just nonsensical things really. how im feeling, things im working on, life updates, things im interested in. i dont want any stress with this. people often use social media as a way to do things like this. i much prefer the isolation of a blogging site. its more expressive in that you have to write often a more genuine piece of text about something. there's more effort required as well, in that if i want to share a photo, i have to upload with a bit more steps than the typical social media app.
i decided to blog under the username redplug. its from an album i like. i dont think the melodies from those songs will ever leave me...
i have been in a bit of a bad mood recently. things have just been difficult. im out of a job and have been for some time, and things need to be paid very soon. i need to work on having more money as well. certain accomplishments i have had in my life, in response to not being able to get a job, now feel genuinely meaningless. ie masters program, bachelors degree. i understand things take time, but it has been a long time. i need more money very badly. but really nothing i can do save keep on and continue looking for work. i look for jobs everyday, almost obsessively. i get a response typically once a week. but they never go anywhere. its disheartening for sure. there is something about me that is clearly not enough...
so ive been also trying to do other things to keep my mind off of that feeling. but i cant lie that ive been feeling low fairly frequently. its hard to get up often. i am trying to start small really. these are some things im trying to do to stay up.
im trying to gym 2-3x a week, and then walk a 5k on my off days if possible. i was almost at my weight loss goal. i havent checked in 2 weeks. im afraid to see ive taken another step backwards. i am always afraid to look backwards.
ive also been trying to work on my screenplay everyday if possible. ive been writing a screen adaptation for a book called confessions of a mask. its been very difficult and dull most of the time. progress is slow. but its moving. i might do frequent updates on the screenwriting process on here. ive been working on this script for maybe a year, and ive yet to even write a single word, just planning and planning and planning... im afraid when it comes to writing, ill feel stuck. but i can see the film in my head, and while the first draft will probably have many errors, i know i have the skills to sharpen it to exactly what it is in my head.
and then besides that im trying to read about 100 pages a week, watch 2 movies, and play lots of video games.
im eager to blog often to show that im being alive. thats what blogging is for me. i will never understand why its such a personal thing for me. its better than journaling for me personally. i want to personalive my site as well.