well that was rough for my confidence. the interviewer called me and asked basically to learn more about me and i started speaking and then i started to stutter and go red and i just hung up and blocked them on phone and email.
i am crying pretty hard right now.
i feel so useless and empty. so many things recently have affected my confidence so poorly. i feel so weak. my face is red and i am shaking.
i cant believe this job stuff is affecting my mental health this poorly. my confidence just as a guy too is basically in the negatives. i have been thinking so poor and low of myself recently. i am crying harder than i have in years right now i think.
i dont know what to do. its such a strange feeling. i dont feel like a man right now. i dont know how to explain it. the men around me are a sort of imposing, confident, and dominant sort of thing. i feel so shy, small, ugly, and insecure. they represent things like being strong, being good people for work, successful. i seem to represent weakness, unemployment and incapable for a job, and failures. my bachelors and the masters program mean literally nothing to me. school felt useless now. i will probably not do the masters. idk. im upset now but even i know the masters is the right thing to do. it is humiliating to feel this bad about yourself.
i guess ill keep applying for jobs. maybe ill work on interview skills somehow. my confidence is even the reason i havent been doing music, if i want to be honest with myself...
i know im at least a little bit smart and not a bad person for most jobs. yet why has my luck let me down so much. im under so much pressure from my own family with money problems to my own money problems to just societal things to pressuring myself to try to get a job just so i can start having a routine and feeling like im confident or worthy of something again.
with the way my confidence has gone down to zero because of one thing, and the rejection from jobs and the anxiety and panic ive been feeling for how insecure i am and my lack of confidence, im starting to crumble.
ive noticed actually im starting to be way more shy in general. i dont talk with much confidence now. not that i spoke with confidence before. but now i get nervous when the cashier asks me something, or when someone at work approaches me, or even when im going out (one of the few times i do) with friends, i feel insecure and bad socially. more than i ever have. probably since high school or middle school to be honest.
im just gonna chill for today. i work but thats it. im gonna watch only yesterday tonight to cheer myself up. my parents are out of town for 3 days. im excited to just be alone and not deal with them asking me to get a second job constantly.
i feel terrible and want to cry all day.
also dont email me or worry abt me too much im just ranting im a mess rn this prob wont be a big deal by a couple days. tbh im just gonna pretend this didnt happen. its not like people were even around me. i was even in the house alone. im just gonna take a mental health day by going to work and watching my favorite movie and keep applying for jobs i guess.