If you had a different sibling, you would be a different person.
By Dr. Jonathan Caspi
It is an odd thought that our sibling relationships may be at the center of what makes us who we become. We may prefer to say that our success is due to parental support, social connections, and particularly our personal attributes, including our own hard work and intelligence. However, it is our siblings that may be the most influential in this regard. They shape our sense of selves, our identities, our skill sets, and ultimately our life choices. Simply put, if you had a different sibling you would be a different person.
When boy called Mike Thompson was only four years old, he spent every opportunity riding around on the front lawn of their house. His older brother Ben, age six, sat on the front steps reading. Ben had been an early reader and got lost in story books. But Ben had never attempted to ride a bike and when asked, he said he had no interest.
Ben and Mike are now adults. As you might expect, Mike spent much of his life in sports, hanging with other athletes, and becoming indoctrinated into its accompanying culture. In middle school, high school, and college, the athletes are often the high status kids. These experiences shaped Mike’s identity and self-esteem. As an adult he is social, confident, and a successful Wall Street executive; a position he got due to college sports connections. Ben, by comparison, spent much of his time with kids of like interests; the more scholarly or “nerdy,” types. He was exposed to an entirely different circle of friends with a unique social culture. Ben grew up seeing himself as smart, curious, introspective, and is now a successful university professor.
In fact, all their choices were influenced by who they had as siblings. Had Ben grown up with a sibling that was less athletic, who would he be? Perhaps he would have ridden his bike, become interested in sports, and focused less on academic pursuits. Who we have as siblings influences our identities, aspirations, relationships, and interests. Consequently, our siblings have great influence in our life choices and success. However, how much of this occurs is largely gradual, and thus invisible. It is unlikely that Michael or Ben would credit each other for their success.