From now on, I decide to:
1. Have the bitch out more often (find triggers for her to come out) since she is confident and makes me feel better and less guilty about everything.
2. Make the little girl grow up, or in best case scenario, merge the two and make the bitch less bitchy and have more compassion.
3. Not be the first one to contact Naoki so giving me some time to kill off my feelings.
4. Get back on track with life - work/school.
5. Drink less.
6. Eat better.
7. Hate people less.
8. Hate myself less.
9. Allow myself to make mistakes and not judge myself as much when I do make them.
Let's forget all the mistakes I made while being in my teens, I'm going to be 20 in 2 weeks, let's grow up more.
Hey.
I kinda needed a place to let my feelings out and since I had already created this page so long ago, decided to post here again.
Especially as no one knows of this place, but knowing that it is somewhere out there makes me feel a slight bit better.
And now to the main theme.
I am one depressed mother fucker.
Been drinking way too much and so ruining my self-respect, my body and health and own self in general.
In the older entries I wrote how I was all alone and paining by myself so as people would not find out. Things have changed since then.
Now I'm not alone anymore, I have even way too many people around.
I tasted kisses, i tasted sex, i even tasted a drop of affection for someone.
Everyone around me know the sad story with my coworker who I ended up fancying.
But things have gotten even worse now.
Kinda sad that this sounds like a moody teenager's love troubles, but it is not just that. There's a weird depth in my current pain.
First of all, I have a few personalities. One of them is a shy pure girl who still believes in true love and happiness and doesn't want to come across as a bitch to anyone.
Then, there's the bitch! A confident little shit who thinks that the world belongs to her, a shit who wouldn't mind sucking dicks for money, a shit who always gets what she wants.
But recently, even the bitch has started breaking. The one who was supposed to be the protector, the last resort to escape to while the little girl rests from the dangers of the world.
I am currently fighting with myself looking for a way to be. I hate the current myself, I hate myself so so bad. My face, my body, my character, personality and the way I break. I hate all of it.
Ever since I started going to the bar, which was exactly a month ago, I have never felt good. I love that place, but it also breaks me. Naoki is a curse as much as he was a help.
I feel like I'm getting worse and worse, my personality is getting shittier and the world is slipping away from my hands.
I'm being torn between becoming trash and keeping the clean world.
I want to fuck people and not care about it, but at the same time I just want to be with a only one someone.
I want to live the drunk and broken musician lifestyle, but I also want to be in control.
I want to go to the bar everyday, but I also want to forget it existed in the first place.
I don't want to go there ever again. I don't want to see Naoki ever again.
But I also crave for it so much.
That guy is not for me, I would never be able to become happy with someone like him in my life. I don't blame him, I don't hate him, I don't judge his way of living. I actually admire it, if I had to choose.
But it is not the life for me. I can't be around someone who fucks whatever bitch that comes and happily yells out about it. "And if I get to fuck her at the end of the night, then that's just awesome."
No... no way.
How the fuck did I let him touch me.
Oh yeah, he's not a bad person and lives true to himself.
I wish I could do that... I don't think I ever will be able to.
I want to be wanted. I want someone to want to have me in their lives.
I want to be needed.
I want to be treasured.
I want to be loved.
I want to be the only one for someone.
And the same way I want someone I would want to have in my life, who I could love and take care of.
But at this moment, I want to not to care one bit about the day after.
I want to retrieve my self respect and get my life back in my hands.
My body is crying, it's dying and so is my mental health.
Recently my mental state has been getting so much worse, so much worse...
I hate the current myself, i hate her so bad. She's so weak and so lost. I have to grab onto something to survive right now, but it shouldn't be this way. I should be able to stand on my own feet, and yet I can't.
The bar is ruining me.
I don't want to go there ever again.
I want to go back to the hated lithuania. I need to have a break, otherwise I will break completely. And the worst part is that I can't do anything about this, I can't have a break and things are just crumbling more and more every day.
I need to get my shit together. I need to decide what to do with Naoki.
Should I seriously try to cut him out of my life by meeting and talking as little as possible,
or
should I continue the current stupid friends' relationship while trying not to feel anything about it.
Either one seems horrible, but at this exact moment I feel like I need a break... I need to forget he exists and just get my shit in line.
I don't have my own place... I don't and never will.
I love the bar but I hate being left out as I don't know the people. I hate that so much and yet there's nothing I can do about it.
アイステも本当は闇を抱えているんだね
... Well, I suppose so. My unstable mental condition and a stupidly lonely past I want to forget and never go back to.
Although I would feel sorry to anyone who would expect to hear how I was abused or something even worse, and yet the story behind my insanity is so much more stupid and simple.
Why was I broken by that, why.
9歳から書いていた日記が思ったよりも切なくて、子供ながらの助けの叫びでいっぱいだった。それ読んだ18歳が思わず泣き出して、昔の自分を抱きしめたくなった。
中学校時代、いじめられっ子で、私の味方をしてくれる人一人もいなかった。
あいつらもすぐ大人になっていじめるのをやめるから我慢して、と先生方が。
両親にどれだけ助けを求めても、反応なく。
転校してから母に、なんでそのとき助けてくれなかった、と訪れた結果、何かをしたらいじめがひどくなるのかもと思ったから。
なにそれ。
親が何もしないなんてどういうこと。
後でいじめが酷くなっても、本当に私のことを思ってくれる人がいてほしかった。
でもそんな人はどこにもいなかった。
そして母が言った言葉、あのとき私も仕事が大変で、自分のことで精一杯だったと。
いまだにわがままに思う、それだったら子供なんか作るな。面倒見切れないんであれば、ペットを飼うなと同じだろう。そいう言い訳は親として失格だってことを証明する。
小さいころから毎年の夏に祖母と祖父の家に無理やりに連れさせられて、3ヶ月ずっとそこにいなくてはならなかった。
あのところ大嫌いだった。いやでいやで仕方なかった。
どれだけ泣いても、どれだけ両親のところに戻りたくても、うるさい、もう電話するな、と言われただけ。
１０歳くらいの子供にそんなこと言えた親は、、どうなんだろう。
精神の狂った祖父が怖くて、祖母が嫌いで、親戚付き合いが苦手で。。。おばさんたちに嫌われているのが子供の私にちゃんと伝わってきたよ。
あのところに二度と行きたくない、３ヶ月後の帰りの車の中で思っていた私。
これが毎年繰り返していた。
今思えば、あのころから書いていたストーリーって、現実逃避だったね．．．あの切ない物語。
覚えている限り、私ってずっと人付き合いが苦手で、いやで、いつも一人だった。それにいじめが加わり、私の精神状態が狂い始めた。
それに、友達と見せかけた余所者も遣ってきて、色々会った末私は結局一人だった。１３歳くらいのときに普通に自殺を考えていた。お風呂に座りながらカミソリを握っていた。涙を流しながら手首に当てた。
でもなにも出来なかった。やっぱり弱すぎた。生きることなんてしたくなくても、死ぬことすら出来なった。仕方なく生きるしかなった。
転校した。
新しい自分を作り上げた。いつも元気いっぱいで、皆を笑わすような存在。皆に優しく、誰かの悪口を絶対に言わない。でも、誰かと親しくなるのも阻んでいた。嫌われることだけを避けたかった。思い出そうとしても、思い出せないものがある。私の高校時代。だって、あの４年間私が生きていたとも言えないからさ。現実から逃げながら人と関わりなく、一人で、家の中で、とにかく明日が来るのを待っていた。そんなときだった。
孤独に壊された。
高校時代の唯一の思い出は、眠れない夜であった。音楽聴きながら泣いていた夜が多かった。そのことも誰にも言えず、一人でなんとか踏ん張った。
精神状態がどんどん悪化していった。
そのとき、また親に夢を奪われた。姉と同じく留学したかったけど、金全部姉に使ったから、あなたはどこにも行けないよ、と。じゃ、国が同じでも、違う都市に行こうと考えていた私だったが、それも無理と、きっぱり諦めを告げられた。
絆のない華族から離れることも、死ぬことも出来ず１9年間ただ空虚に浮いていた。
初めて友達できたのは、18歳のとき。彼女が私の唯一の話し相手になってくれた。だが精神が元通りに戻るわけなく、傷が深すぎたとのことだった。
人間関係を避けていた私にとって誰かに打ち明けることはとても大変なことで、また精神に負担をかけていた。自傷をはじめた。足はいまだに傷跡だらけ。痛かった、気持ちよかった．．．
しかし、その彼女がいてくれたことで、支えてくれたことで私は１９歳になって、家族から、国から、過去から未来へと逃げた。今も逃げている。いつも逃げている。いつ、どこであって、いつも自分から逃げている。私は、私が嫌い。
こんなことに壊された弱い自分がいやで仕方がない。
愛されたことのない、愛したことのないこの情けない自分。
今も過去から未来へと、新しい自分を探しながら私は逃げている。
There's so much things left unmentioned. But I think I was able to portray the moments when my connection with my family and the people around started eroding. From the break-point, the rest of the road was easy. Down into breakdowns and self-loathing. And so, here we are today...
What kind of person do I want to become? My biggest enemy is this my own self, she is the one who wants to change but doesn't let me forget the pain I used to feel. Whenever I start feeling good about myself or my life, I am the one to always bring myself back down to the depths of heart pain.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why must I always hate myself.
Why must I always feel pain, for one reason or another.
All I ever wanted was to be loved. That's why whenever people say something nice, I get flustered up to this day. I am not used to being treated well, to being liked and being kissed.
I'm an even trashier person than Naoki is. I judge others, I hate others, which is a reflection of my own hate for me. That's just despicable, I am well aware of it, but I never am able to stop myself before the hate happens.
I hate. I hate, I hate and I hate.
That's the one thing I really am good at.
I kinda needed a place to let my feelings out and since I had already created this page so long ago, decided to post here again.
Especially as no one knows of this place, but knowing that it is somewhere out there makes me feel a slight bit better.
And now to the main theme.
I am one depressed mother fucker.
Been drinking way too much and so ruining my self-respect, my body and health and own self in general.
In the older entries I wrote how I was all alone and paining by myself so as people would not find out. Things have changed since then.
Now I'm not alone anymore, I have even way too many people around.
I tasted kisses, i tasted sex, i even tasted a drop of affection for someone.
Everyone around me know the sad story with my coworker who I ended up fancying.
But things have gotten even worse now.
Kinda sad that this sounds like a moody teenager's love troubles, but it is not just that. There's a weird depth in my current pain.
First of all, I have a few personalities. One of them is a shy pure girl who still believes in true love and happiness and doesn't want to come across as a bitch to anyone.
Then, there's the bitch! A confident little shit who thinks that the world belongs to her, a shit who wouldn't mind sucking dicks for money, a shit who always gets what she wants.
But recently, even the bitch has started breaking. The one who was supposed to be the protector, the last resort to escape to while the little girl rests from the dangers of the world.
I am currently fighting with myself looking for a way to be. I hate the current myself, I hate myself so so bad. My face, my body, my character, personality and the way I break. I hate all of it.
Ever since I started going to the bar, which was exactly a month ago, I have never felt good. I love that place, but it also breaks me. Naoki is a curse as much as he was a help.
I feel like I'm getting worse and worse, my personality is getting shittier and the world is slipping away from my hands.
I'm being torn between becoming trash and keeping the clean world.
I want to fuck people and not care about it, but at the same time I just want to be with a only one someone.
I want to live the drunk and broken musician lifestyle, but I also want to be in control.
I want to go to the bar everyday, but I also want to forget it existed in the first place.
I don't want to go there ever again. I don't want to see Naoki ever again.
But I also crave for it so much.
That guy is not for me, I would never be able to become happy with someone like him in my life. I don't blame him, I don't hate him, I don't judge his way of living. I actually admire it, if I had to choose.
But it is not the life for me. I can't be around someone who fucks whatever bitch that comes and happily yells out about it. "And if I get to fuck her at the end of the night, then that's just awesome."
No... no way.
How the fuck did I let him touch me.
Oh yeah, he's not a bad person and lives true to himself.
I wish I could do that... I don't think I ever will be able to.
I want to be wanted. I want someone to want to have me in their lives.
I want to be needed.
I want to be treasured.
I want to be loved.
I want to be the only one for someone.
And the same way I want someone I would want to have in my life, who I could love and take care of.
But at this moment, I want to not to care one bit about the day after.
I want to retrieve my self respect and get my life back in my hands.
My body is crying, it's dying and so is my mental health.
Recently my mental state has been getting so much worse, so much worse...
I hate the current myself, i hate her so bad. She's so weak and so lost. I have to grab onto something to survive right now, but it shouldn't be this way. I should be able to stand on my own feet, and yet I can't.
The bar is ruining me.
I don't want to go there ever again.
I want to go back to the hated lithuania. I need to have a break, otherwise I will break completely. And the worst part is that I can't do anything about this, I can't have a break and things are just crumbling more and more every day.
I need to get my shit together. I need to decide what to do with Naoki.
Should I seriously try to cut him out of my life by meeting and talking as little as possible,
or
should I continue the current stupid friends' relationship while trying not to feel anything about it.
Either one seems horrible, but at this exact moment I feel like I need a break... I need to forget he exists and just get my shit in line.
I don't have my own place... I don't and never will.
I love the bar but I hate being left out as I don't know the people. I hate that so much and yet there's nothing I can do about it.
アイステも本当は闇を抱えているんだね
... Well, I suppose so. My unstable mental condition and a stupidly lonely past I want to forget and never go back to.
Although I would feel sorry to anyone who would expect to hear how I was abused or something even worse, and yet the story behind my insanity is so much more stupid and simple.
Why was I broken by that, why.
9歳から書いていた日記が思ったよりも切なくて、子供ながらの助けの叫びでいっぱいだった。それ読んだ18歳が思わず泣き出して、昔の自分を抱きしめたくなった。
中学校時代、いじめられっ子で、私の味方をしてくれる人一人もいなかった。
あいつらもすぐ大人になっていじめるのをやめるから我慢して、と先生方が。
両親にどれだけ助けを求めても、反応なく。
転校してから母に、なんでそのとき助けてくれなかった、と訪れた結果、何かをしたらいじめがひどくなるのかもと思ったから。
なにそれ。
親が何もしないなんてどういうこと。
後でいじめが酷くなっても、本当に私のことを思ってくれる人がいてほしかった。
でもそんな人はどこにもいなかった。
そして母が言った言葉、あのとき私も仕事が大変で、自分のことで精一杯だったと。
いまだにわがままに思う、それだったら子供なんか作るな。面倒見切れないんであれば、ペットを飼うなと同じだろう。そいう言い訳は親として失格だってことを証明する。
小さいころから毎年の夏に祖母と祖父の家に無理やりに連れさせられて、3ヶ月ずっとそこにいなくてはならなかった。
あのところ大嫌いだった。いやでいやで仕方なかった。
どれだけ泣いても、どれだけ両親のところに戻りたくても、うるさい、もう電話するな、と言われただけ。
１０歳くらいの子供にそんなこと言えた親は、、どうなんだろう。
精神の狂った祖父が怖くて、祖母が嫌いで、親戚付き合いが苦手で。。。おばさんたちに嫌われているのが子供の私にちゃんと伝わってきたよ。
あのところに二度と行きたくない、３ヶ月後の帰りの車の中で思っていた私。
これが毎年繰り返していた。
今思えば、あのころから書いていたストーリーって、現実逃避だったね．．．あの切ない物語。
覚えている限り、私ってずっと人付き合いが苦手で、いやで、いつも一人だった。それにいじめが加わり、私の精神状態が狂い始めた。
それに、友達と見せかけた余所者も遣ってきて、色々会った末私は結局一人だった。１３歳くらいのときに普通に自殺を考えていた。お風呂に座りながらカミソリを握っていた。涙を流しながら手首に当てた。
でもなにも出来なかった。やっぱり弱すぎた。生きることなんてしたくなくても、死ぬことすら出来なった。仕方なく生きるしかなった。
転校した。
新しい自分を作り上げた。いつも元気いっぱいで、皆を笑わすような存在。皆に優しく、誰かの悪口を絶対に言わない。でも、誰かと親しくなるのも阻んでいた。嫌われることだけを避けたかった。思い出そうとしても、思い出せないものがある。私の高校時代。だって、あの４年間私が生きていたとも言えないからさ。現実から逃げながら人と関わりなく、一人で、家の中で、とにかく明日が来るのを待っていた。そんなときだった。
孤独に壊された。
高校時代の唯一の思い出は、眠れない夜であった。音楽聴きながら泣いていた夜が多かった。そのことも誰にも言えず、一人でなんとか踏ん張った。
精神状態がどんどん悪化していった。
そのとき、また親に夢を奪われた。姉と同じく留学したかったけど、金全部姉に使ったから、あなたはどこにも行けないよ、と。じゃ、国が同じでも、違う都市に行こうと考えていた私だったが、それも無理と、きっぱり諦めを告げられた。
絆のない華族から離れることも、死ぬことも出来ず１9年間ただ空虚に浮いていた。
初めて友達できたのは、18歳のとき。彼女が私の唯一の話し相手になってくれた。だが精神が元通りに戻るわけなく、傷が深すぎたとのことだった。
人間関係を避けていた私にとって誰かに打ち明けることはとても大変なことで、また精神に負担をかけていた。自傷をはじめた。足はいまだに傷跡だらけ。痛かった、気持ちよかった．．．
しかし、その彼女がいてくれたことで、支えてくれたことで私は１９歳になって、家族から、国から、過去から未来へと逃げた。今も逃げている。いつも逃げている。いつ、どこであって、いつも自分から逃げている。私は、私が嫌い。
こんなことに壊された弱い自分がいやで仕方がない。
愛されたことのない、愛したことのないこの情けない自分。
今も過去から未来へと、新しい自分を探しながら私は逃げている。
There's so much things left unmentioned. But I think I was able to portray the moments when my connection with my family and the people around started eroding. From the break-point, the rest of the road was easy. Down into breakdowns and self-loathing. And so, here we are today...
What kind of person do I want to become? My biggest enemy is this my own self, she is the one who wants to change but doesn't let me forget the pain I used to feel. Whenever I start feeling good about myself or my life, I am the one to always bring myself back down to the depths of heart pain.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why must I always hate myself.
Why must I always feel pain, for one reason or another.
All I ever wanted was to be loved. That's why whenever people say something nice, I get flustered up to this day. I am not used to being treated well, to being liked and being kissed.
I'm an even trashier person than Naoki is. I judge others, I hate others, which is a reflection of my own hate for me. That's just despicable, I am well aware of it, but I never am able to stop myself before the hate happens.
I hate. I hate, I hate and I hate.
That's the one thing I really am good at.
Since I know that no living soul would be reading any of this, this is an apologetic cry to both myself and other certain people.
Oh, first of all, the reason for why I haven't written for 3 months was being busy or per-occupied rather than a healthy state of being. Honestly shit has been getting worse, or at least was getting worse, I feel like I've been getting more in control these past few days. Since I know that no one is gonna read this, I'll just go on and say that I had daily breakdowns with loads of crying, weeping, anger, cutting and blood. Oh don't be silly, imaginary reader, I never did any of that whilst someone was home, that would have been too stupid. So yeah, my mental stability was going shit and I didn't even feel like writing in here, or even speaking to anyone. Self-destruction yay! Hi5!! (I've been going strong recently! :D Kinda proud)
Life updates as follow:
- Quit Uni since it was utter crap and I felt like breaking down crying in every lecture I attended for no apparent reason, which, when you think of it, is a damn scary feeling.
- Waiting for my scholarship results to come.
Oh, if I wanted to, I could write so much drama that happened throughout the time that wouldn't fill up an album of songs. But nah, I'm not a writer.
One more thing is that I saw OOR live on 26th October in London and have still been feeling pretty unstable about the whole thing. Mostly because I didn't feel the exact same way I expected myself to feel, so no worries, dear oor, who couldn't care less, it has nothing to do with you, you were fabulous as ever. No, seriously, the acoustics of the venue were amazingly well coordinated and well, it was just perfect, they sounded live even better than I had seen in any of the dvds or records.
One one more thing is that I remember mentioning Coldrain in here somewhere calling them a mediocre American band. Well, truth be told, they started growing on me. Yep, I cannot believe it myself either, but little by little I have started to really enjoy the few songs that I have and thinking of searching for more. There is no change to the fact that they aren't, in my most humble opinion, all that amazing, but their sounds are appealing nevertheless. Sorry for my last comment, I suppose their popularity among screaming oor fangirls somewhat put me off in the first place, but since i got rid of myself from situations that would especially have me dealing with such girls' shit, I started to genuinely like their music. Weirs stuff, anyways, thank you Coldrain!
AND NOW THE MAIN THEME! (as if someone cares. Well, I myself do so)
I am prone to obsessions.
There are times like with Coldrain I mentioned before, or Man with a Mission, HaKu, Hello Sleepwalkers, who I absolutely adore, I love the music, I need it pretty much every day, but I am fine without knowing much about the bands or having just a few songs.
Other times, I instantly fall into this sudden oblivion of excessive feelings they're causing. Which can be entertaining and humorous, touching and moving, passionate or whatever. There are many types.
For example, let's take the same overrated OOR. Up to this day I am still scared like hell for what their music has done to me. It was painful, hurtful, hard to hear, but it was worth it as I honestly do believe that I have grown.
But there's a dark side to this. I am prone to obsessing, I want more more more and more. Want to hear more of their music, know more of the history of the band and members which would then explain how the lyrics came forth or why are they even doing music in the first place. I then want to know what kind of people are responsible for the sounds. Are they silly and fun and act like they're teenagers at all given times, or are they super serious and have trouble speaking in front of people.
So um, you get the picture. Along with some info on the members on the net there was once their heights written and I still remember. PLEASE DO NOT FREAK OUT OKAY, my memory is simply amazing at memorizing stuff that has absolutely no use. I didn't put effort in putting that to my head, it just went in! Numbers are easy to remember.
I am prone to obsessions.
I've been watching this cool youtubers' videos lately and been hooked up on them real bad. So the dudes are hilarious and sadly I can relate to their stories a lot. Why sadly? Because that makes me feel like "whoah, it would be so cool to have a chat with them guys!"
And this, my friends, never leads to good. At least to me.
So I followed them on twitter and pretty much whenever I see a new tweet I always get this horrible urge to reply with something "witty." HOLD RIGHT THERE!
Most of the shit I come up with are not all that witty and if I do know come up with something hilarious, it happens 3 days later than the tweet was posted.
Unfortunately, I didn't hold out yesterday and wrote a few replies. And the moment I did so, I started getting all worked up over nothing when other people write even bigger nonsenses than I did. I got all afraid about what if I will be misunderstood or what if I came across as creepy even though I didn't write anything disturbing. What if my replies were absolutely and completely and utterly lame and oh god.
So this is the reason why in the end it is not a good thing to want to speak with famous people you like. It gets to your head real bad.
Okay now enough of being vague, let's get real and sorry. (Even though I know no one reads these, it's still a bit scary to let it all out so openly)
I am a fan of SiM and the vocalist has a blog on this site. I started reading those and translating old entries to English for the very few people who enjoys reading them.
So yeah, like I wrote in one of my own posts about asking for an eye-liner tutorial to the dude and I actually did. Yep, I wrote a message asking for it. Honestly, I still do find that funny, you can judge me all you want. Imagine a man giving you this sassy tutorial on how to get the "punk rocker" look. Ugh sorry, I DO FIND IT FUNNY.
It would have been still somewhat manageable and kinda cool if I had ended there.
I wrote to my friend saying "oh jesus i wonder how would he react to having cat pictures sent to him everyday" and well we didn't see anything bad in that so I decided to be the daily cat lady. But that alone seemed a bit boring, so I added random useless facts that well, were random and very useless and rarely made sense. Since I couldn't upload photos directly into the messages, I had to give links to cat gifs. Anyways, my cat & random shit daily lasted for a few days until the messages in his blog were disabled.
OK LOOK HERE NOW YOU COULD HAVE SIMPLY BLOCKED ME, WHY DISABLE MESSAGES IN GENERAL? Other people?? WHAT ABOUT NORMAL FANS?? Or wait, maybe that's what ameblo shows to people who have been blocked? In that case it's cool.
The problem is that I did understand how utterly creepy it must've looked, but as I am a fucking retarded weirdo I imagined myself getting random shit and funny/ cute cat gifs from a random stranger on the internet and well, I did not not like it! I would actually enjoy that and tell those random facts to every person I meet on the day. Especially when it's not anonymous, I pretty much have my profile full with shit about myself, I am not a creeper.
I understand that what I did was fucked up and CREEPY AS FUCK WHAT THE HELL MAN.
Although I do wonder if it was a staff member who saw those messages, shivered in fear for his safety and blocked me, or was it Mah himself. Either way I am so so so sorry and I hope that I was simply blocked and other people can still send messages.
I am sorry for this shit, I am not one of the crazy fangirls that would scream and grab someone famous and drool all over his/her face. I am one of the shy normal people who, in case of bumping into someone famous, would get all flustered and no matter how much they would want to say "thank you" couldn't let out a sound.
And I love cats, I had a folder with adorable silly kitten gifs saved for future messages.
Ew.
So enough excuses, I just want to once again properly apologize for creeping the shit out of people and them fearing for their lives.
I am so sorry...
I need to learn to contain my obsessions. They're not evil, though! I'm not one of the creepy stalkers. I actually haven't properly loved anyone, or even had a crush, so I tend to idolize and come to like people I do not know since it's easier that way.
I am so so so sorry..!
It was 3 months ago, but I still felt so utterly and horribly guilty I had to write this...
Oh, first of all, the reason for why I haven't written for 3 months was being busy or per-occupied rather than a healthy state of being. Honestly shit has been getting worse, or at least was getting worse, I feel like I've been getting more in control these past few days. Since I know that no one is gonna read this, I'll just go on and say that I had daily breakdowns with loads of crying, weeping, anger, cutting and blood. Oh don't be silly, imaginary reader, I never did any of that whilst someone was home, that would have been too stupid. So yeah, my mental stability was going shit and I didn't even feel like writing in here, or even speaking to anyone. Self-destruction yay! Hi5!! (I've been going strong recently! :D Kinda proud)
Life updates as follow:
- Quit Uni since it was utter crap and I felt like breaking down crying in every lecture I attended for no apparent reason, which, when you think of it, is a damn scary feeling.
- Waiting for my scholarship results to come.
Oh, if I wanted to, I could write so much drama that happened throughout the time that wouldn't fill up an album of songs. But nah, I'm not a writer.
One more thing is that I saw OOR live on 26th October in London and have still been feeling pretty unstable about the whole thing. Mostly because I didn't feel the exact same way I expected myself to feel, so no worries, dear oor, who couldn't care less, it has nothing to do with you, you were fabulous as ever. No, seriously, the acoustics of the venue were amazingly well coordinated and well, it was just perfect, they sounded live even better than I had seen in any of the dvds or records.
One one more thing is that I remember mentioning Coldrain in here somewhere calling them a mediocre American band. Well, truth be told, they started growing on me. Yep, I cannot believe it myself either, but little by little I have started to really enjoy the few songs that I have and thinking of searching for more. There is no change to the fact that they aren't, in my most humble opinion, all that amazing, but their sounds are appealing nevertheless. Sorry for my last comment, I suppose their popularity among screaming oor fangirls somewhat put me off in the first place, but since i got rid of myself from situations that would especially have me dealing with such girls' shit, I started to genuinely like their music. Weirs stuff, anyways, thank you Coldrain!
AND NOW THE MAIN THEME! (as if someone cares. Well, I myself do so)
I am prone to obsessions.
There are times like with Coldrain I mentioned before, or Man with a Mission, HaKu, Hello Sleepwalkers, who I absolutely adore, I love the music, I need it pretty much every day, but I am fine without knowing much about the bands or having just a few songs.
Other times, I instantly fall into this sudden oblivion of excessive feelings they're causing. Which can be entertaining and humorous, touching and moving, passionate or whatever. There are many types.
For example, let's take the same overrated OOR. Up to this day I am still scared like hell for what their music has done to me. It was painful, hurtful, hard to hear, but it was worth it as I honestly do believe that I have grown.
But there's a dark side to this. I am prone to obsessing, I want more more more and more. Want to hear more of their music, know more of the history of the band and members which would then explain how the lyrics came forth or why are they even doing music in the first place. I then want to know what kind of people are responsible for the sounds. Are they silly and fun and act like they're teenagers at all given times, or are they super serious and have trouble speaking in front of people.
So um, you get the picture. Along with some info on the members on the net there was once their heights written and I still remember. PLEASE DO NOT FREAK OUT OKAY, my memory is simply amazing at memorizing stuff that has absolutely no use. I didn't put effort in putting that to my head, it just went in! Numbers are easy to remember.
I am prone to obsessions.
I've been watching this cool youtubers' videos lately and been hooked up on them real bad. So the dudes are hilarious and sadly I can relate to their stories a lot. Why sadly? Because that makes me feel like "whoah, it would be so cool to have a chat with them guys!"
And this, my friends, never leads to good. At least to me.
So I followed them on twitter and pretty much whenever I see a new tweet I always get this horrible urge to reply with something "witty." HOLD RIGHT THERE!
Most of the shit I come up with are not all that witty and if I do know come up with something hilarious, it happens 3 days later than the tweet was posted.
Unfortunately, I didn't hold out yesterday and wrote a few replies. And the moment I did so, I started getting all worked up over nothing when other people write even bigger nonsenses than I did. I got all afraid about what if I will be misunderstood or what if I came across as creepy even though I didn't write anything disturbing. What if my replies were absolutely and completely and utterly lame and oh god.
So this is the reason why in the end it is not a good thing to want to speak with famous people you like. It gets to your head real bad.
Okay now enough of being vague, let's get real and sorry. (Even though I know no one reads these, it's still a bit scary to let it all out so openly)
I am a fan of SiM and the vocalist has a blog on this site. I started reading those and translating old entries to English for the very few people who enjoys reading them.
So yeah, like I wrote in one of my own posts about asking for an eye-liner tutorial to the dude and I actually did. Yep, I wrote a message asking for it. Honestly, I still do find that funny, you can judge me all you want. Imagine a man giving you this sassy tutorial on how to get the "punk rocker" look. Ugh sorry, I DO FIND IT FUNNY.
It would have been still somewhat manageable and kinda cool if I had ended there.
I wrote to my friend saying "oh jesus i wonder how would he react to having cat pictures sent to him everyday" and well we didn't see anything bad in that so I decided to be the daily cat lady. But that alone seemed a bit boring, so I added random useless facts that well, were random and very useless and rarely made sense. Since I couldn't upload photos directly into the messages, I had to give links to cat gifs. Anyways, my cat & random shit daily lasted for a few days until the messages in his blog were disabled.
OK LOOK HERE NOW YOU COULD HAVE SIMPLY BLOCKED ME, WHY DISABLE MESSAGES IN GENERAL? Other people?? WHAT ABOUT NORMAL FANS?? Or wait, maybe that's what ameblo shows to people who have been blocked? In that case it's cool.
The problem is that I did understand how utterly creepy it must've looked, but as I am a fucking retarded weirdo I imagined myself getting random shit and funny/ cute cat gifs from a random stranger on the internet and well, I did not not like it! I would actually enjoy that and tell those random facts to every person I meet on the day. Especially when it's not anonymous, I pretty much have my profile full with shit about myself, I am not a creeper.
I understand that what I did was fucked up and CREEPY AS FUCK WHAT THE HELL MAN.
Although I do wonder if it was a staff member who saw those messages, shivered in fear for his safety and blocked me, or was it Mah himself. Either way I am so so so sorry and I hope that I was simply blocked and other people can still send messages.
I am sorry for this shit, I am not one of the crazy fangirls that would scream and grab someone famous and drool all over his/her face. I am one of the shy normal people who, in case of bumping into someone famous, would get all flustered and no matter how much they would want to say "thank you" couldn't let out a sound.
And I love cats, I had a folder with adorable silly kitten gifs saved for future messages.
Ew.
So enough excuses, I just want to once again properly apologize for creeping the shit out of people and them fearing for their lives.
I am so sorry...
I need to learn to contain my obsessions. They're not evil, though! I'm not one of the creepy stalkers. I actually haven't properly loved anyone, or even had a crush, so I tend to idolize and come to like people I do not know since it's easier that way.
I am so so so sorry..!
It was 3 months ago, but I still felt so utterly and horribly guilty I had to write this...
I had started to think that I'll start feeling better if I talk to people.
There is one person that I kind of started to feel as a friend.
But she's still not a friend.
Even though she promises, she's never around the time I need her.
I might not be around the time she needs either.
This is the most difficult part, huh.
I had been hurting for quite a long time now, but now I watched a few Eito shows and BAM.
I feel pretty good now. It's not that I'm running away from my problems, but really, they don't look like problems anymore.
Just me over-thinking things.
It doesn't have to be this difficult, now does it?
Anyways, I'm sleepy because of the beer. DAMN IT. I wanted to hang about until late tonight
There is one person that I kind of started to feel as a friend.
But she's still not a friend.
Even though she promises, she's never around the time I need her.
I might not be around the time she needs either.
This is the most difficult part, huh.
I had been hurting for quite a long time now, but now I watched a few Eito shows and BAM.
I feel pretty good now. It's not that I'm running away from my problems, but really, they don't look like problems anymore.
Just me over-thinking things.
It doesn't have to be this difficult, now does it?
Anyways, I'm sleepy because of the beer. DAMN IT. I wanted to hang about until late tonight
Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am a truly horrible human being.
I've written about this before - that I hate all the OOR and SiM fans who scream over their looks.
I feel like I'm even denying the fact that they can like their music at the same time as squeal at how KAWAAAAIIIII they all are.
I'll just list some things that make me angry and you'll see what I meant saying that I'm horrible.
There is a girl, an OOR fan, who lives in Japan but doesn't know the language.
There is a girl, who has been living in Japan for 3 years now and can't translate even the simplest sentences and says that that is some badass writing style. Even though the kanji were pretty basic and the grammar was simple enough for a kindergarten student to understand (Japanese kindergarten student). And she blames the writing style for her lack of knowledge.
Seriously, I've never been to Japan and I have nowhere where to use the language but EVEN I understood it with no problem. HOW COME YOU CAN'T EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE LIVING THERE!?
Don't translate at all in that case.
My respect and love for OOR seriously went down after seeing too many posts about their SEXEY looks, how cute they are, seeing that people draw their gay pairings' fanart and write fanfics about them. ANd most of all, treating them like they were gods, or even worse, idols.
I have (almost) nothing against idols, but these guys aren't them. They're musicians.
Then WOWOW aired BBQ in Tsumagoi festival. Many people started asking to cut out the OOR part and post it alone.
I gave one person a place to download the HD thing since I had access to one website.
Next morning I woke up to a flood of screenshots and people asking OH MAH GOD WHERE DID YOU FIND THE HDDD?!?!??!
I found so many new artists in that festival, they were all so amazing.
Why would you deny their existence and vomit about the internet with OOR pictures?
It's still still overflowing with stuff out of their performance in that festival.
Actually I didn't enjoy it at all. It seemed mediocre and like they had performed in dismiss.
Compared to other artists, like Weaver or HaKU, OOR's performance in BBQ was pretty unimpressive.
But there's no way I can say that out loud in the place where fans scream over every move made by the members, can I?
I believe that their performance would've seemed normal, not bad, if I hadn't been around those fans lately.
My respect for the band went down because of them. How is that even possible?
Then I read the interview I mentioned above and started feeling a bit warmer feelings towards the guys. Like, wait wait, they're purely creating music they think of as cool and that's that. There's nothing more to it.
But then I turned back to the page where many fans gather and this spark was put out immediately.
"Ryota... CHOO KAWAII"
"The way Taka says "bye-bye"... KAWAAAAAAIIIIIII"
"who would say no to Toru? I wouldn't even though I'm a Taka girl"
Honestly? I feel myself above them. That's the main reason I know that I am a horrible person for. YES. I do think that I am better than them.
An OOR-er post:
"OOR love songs-
Someone else: Whenever you are
Someone else: All mine
Me: 69"
First of all. Since when is 69 about love? Have you even read the lyrics? Even the English parts are quite obvious. Do some research on the Japanese lyrics as well if you're going to post something like this.
Most of those girls are younger than me. They make me embarrassed that I'm not even older or that I'm not a man,
And they keep posting all kinds of crap about the members and say "oh my god, we're such perverts. heheheheh"
Oh my oh my oh my. You poor virgins! Stop pretending to be "perverted" when you don't even know what the word means.
There are a few reasons for why I haven't left the place those fans gather.
1. There are many interesting posts about other bands I like, there are many unusual people and great stuff to read.
2. ... It makes me feel better. It makes me feel proud of myself for not going so low. It helps me like myself.
That's why I know that I am a bad person. Getting angry and making fun of their stupidity makes me feel better.
I know that it shouldn't be this way.
But I don't think I'll change.
P.S. "The place" the fans gather is called tumblr. Yes.
I've written about this before - that I hate all the OOR and SiM fans who scream over their looks.
I feel like I'm even denying the fact that they can like their music at the same time as squeal at how KAWAAAAIIIII they all are.
I'll just list some things that make me angry and you'll see what I meant saying that I'm horrible.
There is a girl, an OOR fan, who lives in Japan but doesn't know the language.
There is a girl, who has been living in Japan for 3 years now and can't translate even the simplest sentences and says that that is some badass writing style. Even though the kanji were pretty basic and the grammar was simple enough for a kindergarten student to understand (Japanese kindergarten student). And she blames the writing style for her lack of knowledge.
Seriously, I've never been to Japan and I have nowhere where to use the language but EVEN I understood it with no problem. HOW COME YOU CAN'T EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE LIVING THERE!?
Don't translate at all in that case.
My respect and love for OOR seriously went down after seeing too many posts about their SEXEY looks, how cute they are, seeing that people draw their gay pairings' fanart and write fanfics about them. ANd most of all, treating them like they were gods, or even worse, idols.
I have (almost) nothing against idols, but these guys aren't them. They're musicians.
Then WOWOW aired BBQ in Tsumagoi festival. Many people started asking to cut out the OOR part and post it alone.
I gave one person a place to download the HD thing since I had access to one website.
Next morning I woke up to a flood of screenshots and people asking OH MAH GOD WHERE DID YOU FIND THE HDDD?!?!??!
I found so many new artists in that festival, they were all so amazing.
Why would you deny their existence and vomit about the internet with OOR pictures?
It's still still overflowing with stuff out of their performance in that festival.
Actually I didn't enjoy it at all. It seemed mediocre and like they had performed in dismiss.
Compared to other artists, like Weaver or HaKU, OOR's performance in BBQ was pretty unimpressive.
But there's no way I can say that out loud in the place where fans scream over every move made by the members, can I?
I believe that their performance would've seemed normal, not bad, if I hadn't been around those fans lately.
My respect for the band went down because of them. How is that even possible?
Then I read the interview I mentioned above and started feeling a bit warmer feelings towards the guys. Like, wait wait, they're purely creating music they think of as cool and that's that. There's nothing more to it.
But then I turned back to the page where many fans gather and this spark was put out immediately.
"Ryota... CHOO KAWAII"
"The way Taka says "bye-bye"... KAWAAAAAAIIIIIII"
"who would say no to Toru? I wouldn't even though I'm a Taka girl"
Honestly? I feel myself above them. That's the main reason I know that I am a horrible person for. YES. I do think that I am better than them.
An OOR-er post:
"OOR love songs-
Someone else: Whenever you are
Someone else: All mine
Me: 69"
First of all. Since when is 69 about love? Have you even read the lyrics? Even the English parts are quite obvious. Do some research on the Japanese lyrics as well if you're going to post something like this.
Most of those girls are younger than me. They make me embarrassed that I'm not even older or that I'm not a man,
And they keep posting all kinds of crap about the members and say "oh my god, we're such perverts. heheheheh"
Oh my oh my oh my. You poor virgins! Stop pretending to be "perverted" when you don't even know what the word means.
There are a few reasons for why I haven't left the place those fans gather.
1. There are many interesting posts about other bands I like, there are many unusual people and great stuff to read.
2. ... It makes me feel better. It makes me feel proud of myself for not going so low. It helps me like myself.
That's why I know that I am a bad person. Getting angry and making fun of their stupidity makes me feel better.
I know that it shouldn't be this way.
But I don't think I'll change.
P.S. "The place" the fans gather is called tumblr. Yes.