thinking back

i just realized something.
i was looking back trying to write my history LOL

and i was trying to remember what it was like being thrown into an English environment when I first moved to MI.
me being young, i dont remember much. i remember crying and crying, but to me, that comes from teachers and my mom telling me about it. i dont personally remember many of the things/episodes.

but i thought about my mom who was also thrown into this environment, but as an adult.
kids can communicate and kids can use their imaginations and they are still naive.
but parents, not being able to understand the culutre and the language must have been so hard.
and on top to see her child getting on the bus crying and coming home crying and getting phone calls saying her child is crying...
how hard that must be. to be watching me as a chid just so confused and not aware, and her being aware.
to watch your own child suffer.
she must have wanted to cry with me.

but as a mother she couldnt have done that
she had to support me
she had to push me back into that environment again
she had to just watch me cry and hope that one day i will grow out of it
hoping that one day her child will feel comfortable.

whenever i think back at my first year in Logan, i dont remember or know how my mom felt.

how was i supposed to know?
i was only a child, just managing my own world.

i have no clue why this thought came across me now,
but i just thought i had to recorded this thought somewhere.


i guess i am very lucky that i was immersed into that environment at a very young age,
i cant possibly imagine what it might be like to be thrown into such a situation at an older age...

hmm...

at FLA everyone is bilingual.
but i dont think anyone did this overnight.
everyone had their struggles.
whether it be starting an all english school from high school
or struggling with identity.
half kids, are they japanese or are they american?
maybe they were bullied. maybe they had no friends. being made fun of for looking different.

how luck i am that i dont remember these things clearly.

yes, i think i am who i am today because of my early struggles, but its not like i remember every detail clearly.

i remember how hard it was for me starting in the UK
but not in the US
and starting in the US must have been so much more because of the language.
i already understood enlgish when i started in the UK
i just didnt understand the accent. and the culture and the slang...
yes i had hard times starting in the UK
but to me thats an experience i can look back and say, i overcame that.
and thats what made me stronger.

again, trying to imagine how my mom felt when i couldnt fit in to my new school in the UK
constantly saying
that i wanted to go back to japan.
she must have been holding back that one BIG message

an experience like this does not happen to everyone.
so just take it.

how selfish a young adolescent can be...
(still am lol)

つぶやき

昨日ふと思いました。

「ファッション雑誌」って目的なに？

売上が良ければいいの？
個々のお店（ブランド）の宣伝なの？
その系統が日本に増えて欲しいの？
情報発信してるだけ？

やっぱ売上なのかな・・・？

そしたら、買ってる自分はただ操られてる気がする。

ファッションて、かなり凝ってない限り、流行りもの着るじゃない？
流行りもの着ない、っていてても、どこかにトレンドを入れてるじゃん？


あれ

考えがまとまってない・・・ｗ


えま

only one?

maybe for some people its hard to understand that
there are people who are trying just as hard, even harder than you.
you are not the only one that is suffering.
you are not the only one that is made to work hard.
you are not the only one who "gets it all".
you are not the only one that feels like shit
you are not the only one!

so please just STOP complaining that the world hates you
the world does not HATE YOU
the world hates the human race.

so just get over it, find what you can do to get you out of that shit hole
look up and see that there might be a light at the end of what it seems to be a very long dark tunnel

ok i know not everyone can do this
but you! this situation! its not the end of the world!
so please! get ur ass down and stop whining
the time you spend whining and drooling will only be a waste

and in that time someone else will beat u to the punch
because to be honest
you are not the only one that is eligible to do this.
im sure there WERE a bunch of ppl who would have died to be in ur shoes.
but cant. because you have something that stood out.

so please let that shine and grow.
please be proud of that.

and dont forget that ur not the only one.
there are people who are in far worse situations
and conditions...

just look. please stop a moment and think.

is it hard for you?
are you struggling?

well i hope in some time, you can see this struggle
as where you will be in some time.

please, be the bigger person.

xxx