It's been a while since I was here last time. I honestly don't know when it was but at least it feels like it. I feel like I've in a body of water, that can take me to the eye of a hurricane, and some days it can take me to the quietest place in the ocean. What I'm saying is that it feels like I don't have control over this. My life. My emotions. My mental health.
I honestly don't know if teaching is for me. I thought (I was hoping more like) that when I started student teaching, I would be forced to be more outgoing and teacher-y. But the reality is I'm still old me. I feel like I will always be. I'm still in my own comfortable shell. I'm still protected by my cooperating teacher. I feel like I'm constantly disappointing people around me (my cooperating teacher, my family, my parents who are both teachers), and most of all, I'm disappointing myself.
I wanted to start earn some money so I could feel a bit more independent finally. But things are not looking good. Since my last name is Hoyt on my driver license and SSN, but still Nakamura on my passport, and I don't have any other IDs like green card or work permit (USCIS said that I was approved for work permit but I haven't heard anything from them), the on boarding process isn't going anywhere. I visited the LPS office twice for the process and got my interview and physical done, and have line judges day set up... Things are lined up but I don't know if I can get money for it. I just want to live my life a bit more freely with a bit more extra money so I can start living my life like any others who are at my age.
When someone asks "do you know when you will get your green card?" "What about work permit?" like I would know or like I haven't been trying to get it, I think of my family. The green card process is the obstacle between me and my family. I want to get to them so bad. but the obstacle is so big that I don't know how soon I can get to them. Whereas they are aging. I don't want to lose them any more than I feel like I already have.
I thought about just banishing yesterday. I couldn't tell Ben. I just sat on a tote box in the basement of Ben's parent's house, in the dark, I thought about it. I thought about where I could execute, what I could use to do so. What kind of reactions Ben and his parents would have when they see my lifeless body. If my lifeless body would leave any mess, like any road kills do. If I leave a permanent scar to Ben's pure heart. He doesn't deserve that. Any of that. Yet I still think about it. I can't help wondering if he would be better without me. I can't help if it will leave my parents blaming on themselves for letting me come to America, for the rest of their lives.
I don't know what I need. I try to dust myself off and move on but I know that the next time I need to do it all over again is so close. Just a temporary fix. I don't know if life is supposed to be that way. I don't know what I need. Who I need to talk to. Where I need to go. What I need to do. What directions I should head. Do I deserve some time break from everything? Do I need it? Where should I do it then?
I used to be sharp but not anymore, at all. I'm just meat that knows only to agree with people around me. Nothing to create or produce. Am I wasting the air and time of everyone I involve? What's my purpose?