The God keep on telling me that I do not deserve to have happiness but deserve keep on struggling and coping with difficulties. People are leave, the society had already left me and nobody is waiting for me because there is no goal exists for me but just lie down an endless dangerous road. Such life is suitable and fits me and this is my life since I was born. I was born for suffer not for happiness and recently realised that stupid to think about when I can pass through this endless roads – until I cross over.
I would like to “finish on the top”, hopefully with happiness. I will end soon when I accomplish my plan in USA. It will be my last and guess can finish on the top with great satisfaction. Better to finish with lots of satisfaction and happiness than feeling I am useless or with disappointments.
Dreams, hopes, objectives which eventually lose or disappear from my hand and now I no longer pursue those kind of stuff. That kind of stuff I lost in the past has been telling me who I am – I am useless and loser. But I no longer fight back for that because I can understand myself, my life more than anybody. I did not want to lose it and did not want to give up but without that I cannot live in this world.
I wish I could tell who I am, what my opinions/thoughts/ ideas are to people. But I am afraid because I no longer human but inhuman and my thoughts, ideas can make others negative and unhappy. I want to avoid make others feel sad or having cold opinions like me. So that I tell only optimistic opinions which “generally” be accepted by many people or which makes people happy. But it merely my alternative opinion and which is not my honest thoughts. Sometimes I wonder whether I am respecting people or not.
Before I will over the past I wish I could make many people happy include a man who I really like. I do not have anything anymore except this cold thoughts and painful past. So, I do not deserve have a relationship with man because somebody told me I never makes others happy. I agree with that. Want to change myself but cannot change because it is not decided/depended on me but the God. And my voices no longer reach to him unless I being closer to him and whisper in his ear. But at that time it is too late…