April 1868, the fourth year of Keio era.
Shinsengumi allied themselves with the former Shogunate forces and set out for Aizu. Their name and reputation had fallen to that a group of dogs who would kill even when their companion was on a whim. However, it wasn't like they couldn't do anything. That was the only information and rumors while I stayed on my sick bed in Edo. Hijikata-san had sent the order for me to not participate in any battle or duel and sent me back to stay with Matsumoto-sensei to recuperate. My tuberculosis have gotten worse, and I just have this great intuition that I wouldn't live any longer unless I praise and be thankful for every breath I take. Whoever up there watching me above the skies must have hated me for having this thoughts to always kill. And that I haven't really taken care of myself that well.
I glanced around to the closed shouji of my room. Since no shadows had been seen walking past the corridors, I could safely assume no one's going to visit the place. The clinic must be quiet today. Rolling to a side, my brows knitted to a frown at the excruciating feeling in my chest. The black cat that I have been keeping as a company mew-ed at me. As if I could actually talk to the poor being. I was told that if I kept a cat, this illness will subside on its own, but rumors are rumors afterall.
In the fleeting moment, my thoughts returned to my father.
Kondou-san..
how is he doing right now?
After I was told to stay away from the battle front, I haven't heard much of him. Although he said that he would send me letters once in a while, not many letters came to me. He must have been working really hard for the organization. This thought made me smile a bit to this positive hope.
"Toshi, kocchi~!" I called the cat with a small grin, especially since it mew-ed back at me and come. "The name really suits you, you know. You're so arrogant and selfish, so annoying and clumsy. Just like a certain someone. I won't tell you that.~"
Speaking to a cat. Haha, where have I lost my mind? The cat hissed as its fur briskly stood before it laid on my arm lazily.
"You did well in understanding my sarcasm. I'll have Matsumoto-sensei feed you we--" I couldn't finish my words as I clutched my chest and coughed on my handkerchief. Tsk. The blood has come a lot more than usual, even I could hear the rattling sound of my own breath in my chest. Inhaling a deep breath, I was just about to put Toshi down when the shouji door slid open. Matsumoto-sensei stood there in silence as he held an envelope in his hand.
That was from Kondou-san, right?
Hurry give me that!
"Matsumoto-sensei?" I muttered as he remained quiet before he sighed and sat by my bedside.
"Souji.. Kondou-san.. he.."
What's wrong?
What happened to him?
Did he get injured?
"What happened to Kondou-san?" I repeated as I fixed my gaze on him. My voice already shook with worry for the worst case. The old man before me inhaled a deep breath. He frowned deeper that I could almost see wrinkles on his forehead.
"Kondou-san.. along with Hijikata, Shimada, and Chizuru were ambushed.."
Ambushed..?
What happened then?
Did they make it?
I know you still have a lot to tell, don't stay silent!
My thoughts raged inside my mind despite the indifferent look on my face.
"He was captured and beheaded in Itabashi execution ground just the other day."
... He?
Who.. Who are you talking about?
You mean Hijikata-san, right..?
"... He?" I muttered hesitantly as I gripped my sheets tighter. My body trembled in a mix of anger and worry.
"Kondou-san. In order to protect Hijikata and the rest, he--"
"Shut up!" I suddenly roared and placed my hands to shut my ears. I didn't even have the idea where did I get such force to scream with rage. I don't want to hear it. It's a lie.
It's a lie!
Kondou-san can't die before me!
I haven't thanked him enough for everything that he has done for me!
"Souji.." Matsumoto-sensei muttered worriedly as he placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it tightly.
"Leave me alone.." I hissed coldly. As much as I don't want to believe it, but he brought the letter with him. That crucial thing that would prove all my hesitation wrong. My shaking hand then snatched the letter as I read the writing on it. It was Saitou's writing. Everything inside was defined clearly and I lost my words. I lost everything. The letter shook as if it was the leaf in autumn, shaking before it fell to the ground.
Matsumoto-sensei left me then. In the dark room where I hoped to find solace, my thoughts kept driven back to Kondou-san. He has been more than a brother for me. No, he has always been my father. I looked up a lot to him, despite knowing that I would never be able to be on his level. The bitter thing was, how he always believed I have a pure heart.
Pure heart?
I'm no different than those beasts, those Rasetsu.
All I knew was to kill and that was the only thing I'm good at.
My gaze was now averted to the new outfit Hijikata-san gave me the other day and hastily reached out for it. 4 years in Shinsengumi.. I have made friends. I have done everything I could, yet I couldn't save the one I want to protect the most. How my life has been a waste. A complete waste. My fingers began to wrap around the fabric tightly before I decided to finally got off from the bed. The full uniform and the feel of these Kashuu Kiyomitsu on my waist. How I longed for this feeling. If only I could be healed of my wounds..
Sliding the shouji door open, my mind was set.
Hijikata-san, Kondou-san has always trusted you and listened to you.
He even made you his right hand and I trusted him to you.
These thoughts burn like a black fire on my mind, obliterating everything. Diminishing everything in sight into ashes. All I see were now shrouded with darkness and the thought to kill urged me to move this arm to slay everyone, everything. Glancing around, Matsumoto-sensei seemed to have gone somewhere, so I immediately made my way out and rode a horse from the stable nearby. The mountain range felt so quiet with the wind briskly withered those pitiable leaves to the ground. Every once in a while, I would stop to ask if anyone knows where Hijikata-san was and once I got the location, I darted to the place. After the travel that felt like hours and the night had fallen, I finally saw the gate. My heart beating hard against my chest as my breath shortened with each quicker pace I took.
There!
That familiar figure looked so tired. But I wasn't about to leave him any room. His amethyst gaze narrowed as if trying to make sure if this was really me or not, and before he could muster anything, I grabbed his collar and shoved him against the wall.
This man..
You killed Kondou-san..
If you weren't there,
Kondou-san wouldn't have died!
"Why did you leave Kondou-san to die?!" Hijikata-san looked shocked as his eyes widened. I could no longer control my rage. My grip tightened on his collar. He better give me a good answer.
"Answer me!" I continued the moment I saw that he fell silent instead of answering me.
"You were right beside him, so why couldn't you save him?!"
Answer me, damn it!
You have a lot to explain to me right now!
"Okita-san, please stop!" Chizuru's voice alerted me, making me glance over my shoulder.
You better not intervene me or I'll kill you with him..
"Hijikata-san is injured.." she muttered hesitantly as I glared at her. Returning my gaze to the man before me, I clenched my teeth tightly. His neck was wrapped in bandage and it looked pretty deep since the wound has yet to close. My voice stuck in my throat as I took several steps back. I didn't want to believe everything!
"Tch.." Cursing under my breath, I turned away from them and began making my way as far as I could from that horrid place. On my way, however, I met with Saitou. Seeing my coming, he was silent and stared at me as Chizuru kept calling me and chased after me. I couldn't blame him since I was told that they parted ways and therefore, he wasn't responsible for Kondou-san's death. Clenching my fists, I walked quicker, ignoring her calls as much as I could.
"Okita-san! Please wait, Okita-san!"
I'm not going to stop, can't you see?
Why won't you leave me alone?!
I continued to walk quicker in further silence. Either it was her luck or fate hated me that much, my chest was once again filled with this excruciating feeling that I fell on one knee as I coughed.
"Are you alright? See, you still shouldn't be pushing yourself.." she muttered worriedly, now running towards my direction. Perhaps she was hoping to catch on with me in my weakest moment.
"Stay away!" I ordered with my free hand as the other one muffled my coughs.
What good would it do if you come near?
This illness is contagious, are you trying to kill yourself?!
As my coughing fits ceased, I pulled my hand away only to be greeted with the sight of blood which stained the cloth more than before. My end is coming near, I just know that. Smiling bitterly, I straightened up and sighed. These memories made my chest hurts. Why couldn't I do anything for him..?
"I didn't think.. that Kondou-san would die before I did.." I muttered, still with rejection filling my entire figure.
"On that day, when he learned that we were surrounded by the enemy, Hijikata-san said that he wanted to become a shield for everyone. But Kondou-san.." she paused hesitantly. Her voice was lowered as if she was hesitating although the words flew smoothly. She was too honest and definitely a bad liar. As she began telling me their conversation, my mind seemed to have weakened. I trusted this girl.
"And then, Kondou-san surrendered to the enemy alone in order to buy us time to escape."
That was just like you after all..
I stayed silent for a moment, closing my eyes as the cold, hard truth hit me with all they got.
"Hijikata-san has been in agony wondering why he was the one allowed to survive. But now, because Kondou-san has entrusted him with the Shinsengumi, he would risk his life to protect everyone.." That was the last thing I could take the whole time she spoke. I felt numb and cold more than ever though this time, my sadness overflowed without me being able to control it.
"Kondou-san has always been good at taking care of people.." I began, my gaze casted to the ground, hoping that no one would ever see this pained look I have, "Even when I was adopted as a disciple of the Shieikan Dojo, he would come to pay attention to the rebellious me and practice swordplay with me."
The words felt so bitter to me with every second passed.
"He was like an elder brother to me.." I added with yet another strained voice. I felt like I just got stabbed with thousands of swords and it was actually hard to think clear. Especially when that man returned on my mind, giving me all the painful smile as I continued, "There was one person closer to Kondou-san than I was at that time. Although he was obstinate, arrogant, clumsy, and selfish.. he is now the only person capable of leading the Shinsengumi forward."
"But I can't forgive him." The words came clear on this one, cold and rejecting.
This was it. No matter how badly I want to throw my anger at someone, no matter how I want to tell her my deepest gratitude for always being here with me in my weakest times.. The words wouldn't form. I am, afterall, just a sword to kill. At least, that was how I view myself all this time.
"Dakara.. Hijikata-san no koto ga - kimi ni makaseta yo, Chizuru-chan."
Right, you definitely deserve him..
He made a perfect shield to protect you,
Not a broken one like me..
"Okita-san.." she muttered.
Don't give me the sad look.
Whether if I want to think of myself as a sword to protect you,
I will never be able to be there for you.
I want to protect you.. but I cannot.
You know that too, right?
The only thing I could give her was just a fake reassuring smile that I would be alright before I turned to leave. I need some time to cool off. Deciding that I would just go to the temple, I ended up spending my night there. First, my parents died. Then my sister abandoned me. Everyone had always gave me that pitiable look that even made me allergic until now. When I finally met Kondou-san, he was the light that I could trust with my entire life. He was the only treasure I kept my hopes up to. Now that my light is gone, where should I go..? Where do I belong?
Sometimes, I wanted to so badly call him with 'father' instead of 'Kondou-san'. He deserved a much better life, why die so early? I'm the one who should have died for all my sins. Without knowing it, my restless mind decided to gave up against my will. The next morning, I left the temple and returned to that horrid place, as much as I didn't want to. Afterall, I didn't want to make Chizuru have that sad look again.
In the day, since Hijikata-san wasn't recovering well, we holed up in Shimizu-ya, in Nanukamachi neighborhood, Aizukawamatsu. I decided to wander around the neighborhood. Seeing him laying on the futon didn't make me worry at all. With my worsening coughing fits, that didn't make my mood any better. I didn't do much that day but avoiding them and spend time for myself and in the evening, I decided to visit a temple again.
Children were everywhere, happily playing with their friends. This made my thoughts to wander on the old times when I was so young and Kondou-san would take me to the festivals. These innocent kids have no idea what rough life awaited ahead of them if ever they understand. I sat there on the wooden stairs, muffling my coughs as I watched them. Unconsciously, a smile pulled on my lips. My mind was drifted on the happy expressions on their face until I heard light footsteps approached me. Apparently, her ball dropped and fell right before me.
"Onii-chan.. nani shitteru no?" I blinked as I looked at her. Her innocent face resembled that girl again. I managed to mutter a confused reply though, "E? Nani.. shitterun darou?"
The girl remained silent as I stared back at her. And at that moment, it seemed as though Kondou-san was there for me. For some odd reason, really.
"Sou da na.." I replied, smiling a little. The girl then took her ball with her again. Perhaps she looked at me weird from not saying anything much other than those thoughtless words I mentioned earlier.
The night had fallen once again on this city. My memories have yet to fade that I decided to stay away from them again. My thoughts were still wondering on what to do. Killing was definitely not an option, yet tragically, that was the only thing that I could do. I didn't notice when did I fall asleep..-- but in my vague mind, Chizuru's words returned to me.
Gasping in surprise, my eyes went side. What was that? Was it a clue for what I have to do next? Protect Hijikata? The dark wooden ceiling of the temple was the view that first greeted my sight as soon as I recollected my mind. Sitting up, I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. Indeed, by protecting Hijikata, that would mean I'd be able to protect Shinsengumi. The organization everyone else had worked so hard to build. But, would it really have a meaning? My train of thoughts were interrupted when I heard mumbles of several people around.
"I'm certain that must be Hijikata."
Huh?
Surprised with such coincidence, I went to hid myself behind the wooden wall and listened to their supposed to be a secret conversation.
"They're now hiding in Nanukamachi at the Shimizu-ya."
There were indeed some ronin outside..
"Alright, I'll inform the others." The three ronin that I saw took their leave. My resolve was made. I did need to swing my sword on something and killing them would be beneficial in a situation like this. I took my katana and set out to follow them, walking through the depth of darkness of the forest, I saw a larger number of their group. And there, on some of the ronin's hands were those firearms. I remembered seeing them in the moment I sought out to find who shot Kondou-san. I stared at the group for a moment. Seeing how I would be surely outnumbered didn't scare me.
"Ugh!" I winced as the pain on my chest seem to doubled more than previously. I had a hard time having to muffle my cough as I clutched my chest in pain desperately, but ended vomiting that red liquid on the ground. There was now too much of them that I felt my heart beat faster in uncertainty.
I'm going to die either I survive this fight or not..
I looked up to the sky, probably, it would be my last time seeing these beautiful stars gracing the night sky.. There was no denying it.
"Kondou-san.." I muttered weakly. Even smiling felt so painful right now.
Soon.. I'll be there with you..
"If Kondou-san entrusted the Shinsengumi to Hijikata-san.. it means I have to protect him as well, right..?"
With a new resolve, I wrapped the white cloth around my hand and my katana. This might really just be my last sword clash, my last duel, my last time for everything. With every steps that I took, it felt only firmer.
"Hey you, step aside!" called one of the leader, the moment they saw me blocking their road. However, I didn't plan to back down.
I'm not going to let any of you walk past me.
"If you intend to get in our way, we'll kill you as well!" they warned as three of them bent down and directed the firearms at me. One shot.. and I felt the bullet grazed my forehead. Another shot, hit my body and the last one went into my thigh. My balance was disrupted. I remember the feeling of this pain. This was worse than being slashed with a sword. I still didn't budge from my spot. I have promised.
"Finish him."
A loud battle cry raged in the deep forest as a good number of them approached me.
I can still fight!
Feeling the Rasetsu power seeped throughout my veins, the unexplainable power flowed in me. This was the last time, I know. I brought my sword to slay them in a single blow, earning them a gasp as they called out from a distance.
That look.. I'll wipe them off your face.
"You.. What are you?!"
"... Shinsengumi.. Ichibangumi Kumichou, Okita Souji."
Right, fear me now.
Never have I felt this proud of my title and position before,
but now, it felt so powerful.
With fixed gaze on them, I had no fear of them. The group began to scatter themselves out of their formation and charged at me. What pathetic bunch of cowards.
Seeing that there is only one person in front of you right now,
you want to kill him so badly that you told all your forces to come at me.
I gripped my sword tighter before I charged right back at them.
With this blade, I'll put an end to everything now.
I swung my sword and killed one, however, their attack didn't stop. One samurai came after another, making me sick at the sight. Is this what you call as living the way of a warrior? I kept swinging my sword. I had no idea how many lives have I taken with this sword of mine, but I just couldn't stop right now. It had been hours of fighting.. I fought throughout the night. When they heard that I was the First Unit Captain of Shinsengumi, their rage seemed to double. Curses about how Shinsengumi had killed people unsightly only made my resolve firmer. The thought, just like earlier, was the black flame in my heart. I turned my back to see that there was a coming attack with larger number that I pulled out my wakizashi. True that I rarely used my left hand, but that didn't mean it is useless. I screamed out my own enraged battle cry and brought them down with ease.
You know nothing of us!
You know nothing how we struggled to be at the top!
How dare you look down on Kondou-san's hard work?!
I will kill you.. I will kill you!
I swung my arms restlessly, now sheathing back my wakizashi as their number lessened. Although I didn't want to admit it, morning came down. I must have fought the entire night that my arms had betrayed my will and I would stumble now and then. But I couldn't be defeated now.
Not until I kill a single one of you.
A sword brought its way down, slashing my back. I grunted at the pain and turned to slash him. My legs.. I couldn't move them much around now. As I turned my body to bring my sword down, instead of seeing the blood splattered, a sharp pain went trough my abdomen.
"Heh.." I snickered as I held his katana tightly, the metal was filled with nothing but brute force. I didn't care how it wound my hand, but I pulled it away and brought my sword to take his life away. Staggering back, the wound was not helping. I could feel my sight was fading and that the power of the Rasetsu was dissipating. This was my limit. There were only a few number of them left.
I can do this..
They gasped at the transformation of my hair and eyes as I returned to my former self. Though that didn't change the fact that I was still a threat to them.
"Argh!" A painful cry echoed in the bright morning. The last painful cry I'd hear as I pulled out my sword and his body fell to the ground.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
My heart beat has gone weaker. I fell on my knees as I stabbed the katana to the ground for support.
I wish.. I could tell you how much I need you..
Again, that girl's face came into my mind. Her cheerful smile.. her laugh.. her flustered face whenever I teased her..
I choked on my breath as I felt my presence fading.
Is this what you feel when you're dying?
Every time I kill, I never have anything in mind.
It just so happened on its own,
my arms would move and brought this sword down to kill.
I never thought of their feeling.
I never thought how they felt, nor do I think of their fear.
I just kill.
Isn't that what a sword supposed to be?
These thoughts turned me grim.
Chizuru..
I muttered quietly as I gripped my katana tighter. Regrets came last, I suddenly fear death. But who would care? This place was just too quiet for anyone to hear me. I couldn't.. hold it any longer..
Can you hear me..?
I could see how my fingers turned to dust. Great power sure came with greater risk. I should have known better. I tilted my head up to the sky which was painfully too beautiful. Perhaps, my ending isn't going to be that horrible, right? At least, I got to meet my last morning before having to give into the world of darkness. Giving one last defeated sigh, I closed my eyes.. I could no longer feel my arms.
It's over..
I'm sorry I can't protect you no matter how badly I want it..
Please don't forget, I'm always praying for your happiness..
Chizuru..
...
..Aishiteru yo..
Shinsengumi allied themselves with the former Shogunate forces and set out for Aizu. Their name and reputation had fallen to that a group of dogs who would kill even when their companion was on a whim. However, it wasn't like they couldn't do anything. That was the only information and rumors while I stayed on my sick bed in Edo. Hijikata-san had sent the order for me to not participate in any battle or duel and sent me back to stay with Matsumoto-sensei to recuperate. My tuberculosis have gotten worse, and I just have this great intuition that I wouldn't live any longer unless I praise and be thankful for every breath I take. Whoever up there watching me above the skies must have hated me for having this thoughts to always kill. And that I haven't really taken care of myself that well.
I glanced around to the closed shouji of my room. Since no shadows had been seen walking past the corridors, I could safely assume no one's going to visit the place. The clinic must be quiet today. Rolling to a side, my brows knitted to a frown at the excruciating feeling in my chest. The black cat that I have been keeping as a company mew-ed at me. As if I could actually talk to the poor being. I was told that if I kept a cat, this illness will subside on its own, but rumors are rumors afterall.
In the fleeting moment, my thoughts returned to my father.
Kondou-san..
how is he doing right now?
After I was told to stay away from the battle front, I haven't heard much of him. Although he said that he would send me letters once in a while, not many letters came to me. He must have been working really hard for the organization. This thought made me smile a bit to this positive hope.
"Toshi, kocchi~!" I called the cat with a small grin, especially since it mew-ed back at me and come. "The name really suits you, you know. You're so arrogant and selfish, so annoying and clumsy. Just like a certain someone. I won't tell you that.~"
Speaking to a cat. Haha, where have I lost my mind? The cat hissed as its fur briskly stood before it laid on my arm lazily.
"You did well in understanding my sarcasm. I'll have Matsumoto-sensei feed you we--" I couldn't finish my words as I clutched my chest and coughed on my handkerchief. Tsk. The blood has come a lot more than usual, even I could hear the rattling sound of my own breath in my chest. Inhaling a deep breath, I was just about to put Toshi down when the shouji door slid open. Matsumoto-sensei stood there in silence as he held an envelope in his hand.
That was from Kondou-san, right?
Hurry give me that!
"Matsumoto-sensei?" I muttered as he remained quiet before he sighed and sat by my bedside.
"Souji.. Kondou-san.. he.."
What's wrong?
What happened to him?
Did he get injured?
"What happened to Kondou-san?" I repeated as I fixed my gaze on him. My voice already shook with worry for the worst case. The old man before me inhaled a deep breath. He frowned deeper that I could almost see wrinkles on his forehead.
"Kondou-san.. along with Hijikata, Shimada, and Chizuru were ambushed.."
Ambushed..?
What happened then?
Did they make it?
I know you still have a lot to tell, don't stay silent!
My thoughts raged inside my mind despite the indifferent look on my face.
"He was captured and beheaded in Itabashi execution ground just the other day."
... He?
Who.. Who are you talking about?
You mean Hijikata-san, right..?
"... He?" I muttered hesitantly as I gripped my sheets tighter. My body trembled in a mix of anger and worry.
"Kondou-san. In order to protect Hijikata and the rest, he--"
"Shut up!" I suddenly roared and placed my hands to shut my ears. I didn't even have the idea where did I get such force to scream with rage. I don't want to hear it. It's a lie.
It's a lie!
Kondou-san can't die before me!
I haven't thanked him enough for everything that he has done for me!
"Souji.." Matsumoto-sensei muttered worriedly as he placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it tightly.
"Leave me alone.." I hissed coldly. As much as I don't want to believe it, but he brought the letter with him. That crucial thing that would prove all my hesitation wrong. My shaking hand then snatched the letter as I read the writing on it. It was Saitou's writing. Everything inside was defined clearly and I lost my words. I lost everything. The letter shook as if it was the leaf in autumn, shaking before it fell to the ground.
Matsumoto-sensei left me then. In the dark room where I hoped to find solace, my thoughts kept driven back to Kondou-san. He has been more than a brother for me. No, he has always been my father. I looked up a lot to him, despite knowing that I would never be able to be on his level. The bitter thing was, how he always believed I have a pure heart.
Pure heart?
I'm no different than those beasts, those Rasetsu.
All I knew was to kill and that was the only thing I'm good at.
My gaze was now averted to the new outfit Hijikata-san gave me the other day and hastily reached out for it. 4 years in Shinsengumi.. I have made friends. I have done everything I could, yet I couldn't save the one I want to protect the most. How my life has been a waste. A complete waste. My fingers began to wrap around the fabric tightly before I decided to finally got off from the bed. The full uniform and the feel of these Kashuu Kiyomitsu on my waist. How I longed for this feeling. If only I could be healed of my wounds..
Sliding the shouji door open, my mind was set.
Hijikata-san, Kondou-san has always trusted you and listened to you.
He even made you his right hand and I trusted him to you.
These thoughts burn like a black fire on my mind, obliterating everything. Diminishing everything in sight into ashes. All I see were now shrouded with darkness and the thought to kill urged me to move this arm to slay everyone, everything. Glancing around, Matsumoto-sensei seemed to have gone somewhere, so I immediately made my way out and rode a horse from the stable nearby. The mountain range felt so quiet with the wind briskly withered those pitiable leaves to the ground. Every once in a while, I would stop to ask if anyone knows where Hijikata-san was and once I got the location, I darted to the place. After the travel that felt like hours and the night had fallen, I finally saw the gate. My heart beating hard against my chest as my breath shortened with each quicker pace I took.
There!
That familiar figure looked so tired. But I wasn't about to leave him any room. His amethyst gaze narrowed as if trying to make sure if this was really me or not, and before he could muster anything, I grabbed his collar and shoved him against the wall.
This man..
You killed Kondou-san..
If you weren't there,
Kondou-san wouldn't have died!
"Why did you leave Kondou-san to die?!" Hijikata-san looked shocked as his eyes widened. I could no longer control my rage. My grip tightened on his collar. He better give me a good answer.
"Answer me!" I continued the moment I saw that he fell silent instead of answering me.
"You were right beside him, so why couldn't you save him?!"
Answer me, damn it!
You have a lot to explain to me right now!
"Okita-san, please stop!" Chizuru's voice alerted me, making me glance over my shoulder.
You better not intervene me or I'll kill you with him..
"Hijikata-san is injured.." she muttered hesitantly as I glared at her. Returning my gaze to the man before me, I clenched my teeth tightly. His neck was wrapped in bandage and it looked pretty deep since the wound has yet to close. My voice stuck in my throat as I took several steps back. I didn't want to believe everything!
"Tch.." Cursing under my breath, I turned away from them and began making my way as far as I could from that horrid place. On my way, however, I met with Saitou. Seeing my coming, he was silent and stared at me as Chizuru kept calling me and chased after me. I couldn't blame him since I was told that they parted ways and therefore, he wasn't responsible for Kondou-san's death. Clenching my fists, I walked quicker, ignoring her calls as much as I could.
"Okita-san! Please wait, Okita-san!"
I'm not going to stop, can't you see?
Why won't you leave me alone?!
I continued to walk quicker in further silence. Either it was her luck or fate hated me that much, my chest was once again filled with this excruciating feeling that I fell on one knee as I coughed.
"Are you alright? See, you still shouldn't be pushing yourself.." she muttered worriedly, now running towards my direction. Perhaps she was hoping to catch on with me in my weakest moment.
"Stay away!" I ordered with my free hand as the other one muffled my coughs.
What good would it do if you come near?
This illness is contagious, are you trying to kill yourself?!
As my coughing fits ceased, I pulled my hand away only to be greeted with the sight of blood which stained the cloth more than before. My end is coming near, I just know that. Smiling bitterly, I straightened up and sighed. These memories made my chest hurts. Why couldn't I do anything for him..?
"I didn't think.. that Kondou-san would die before I did.." I muttered, still with rejection filling my entire figure.
"On that day, when he learned that we were surrounded by the enemy, Hijikata-san said that he wanted to become a shield for everyone. But Kondou-san.." she paused hesitantly. Her voice was lowered as if she was hesitating although the words flew smoothly. She was too honest and definitely a bad liar. As she began telling me their conversation, my mind seemed to have weakened. I trusted this girl.
"And then, Kondou-san surrendered to the enemy alone in order to buy us time to escape."
That was just like you after all..
I stayed silent for a moment, closing my eyes as the cold, hard truth hit me with all they got.
"Hijikata-san has been in agony wondering why he was the one allowed to survive. But now, because Kondou-san has entrusted him with the Shinsengumi, he would risk his life to protect everyone.." That was the last thing I could take the whole time she spoke. I felt numb and cold more than ever though this time, my sadness overflowed without me being able to control it.
"Kondou-san has always been good at taking care of people.." I began, my gaze casted to the ground, hoping that no one would ever see this pained look I have, "Even when I was adopted as a disciple of the Shieikan Dojo, he would come to pay attention to the rebellious me and practice swordplay with me."
The words felt so bitter to me with every second passed.
"He was like an elder brother to me.." I added with yet another strained voice. I felt like I just got stabbed with thousands of swords and it was actually hard to think clear. Especially when that man returned on my mind, giving me all the painful smile as I continued, "There was one person closer to Kondou-san than I was at that time. Although he was obstinate, arrogant, clumsy, and selfish.. he is now the only person capable of leading the Shinsengumi forward."
"But I can't forgive him." The words came clear on this one, cold and rejecting.
This was it. No matter how badly I want to throw my anger at someone, no matter how I want to tell her my deepest gratitude for always being here with me in my weakest times.. The words wouldn't form. I am, afterall, just a sword to kill. At least, that was how I view myself all this time.
"Dakara.. Hijikata-san no koto ga - kimi ni makaseta yo, Chizuru-chan."
Right, you definitely deserve him..
He made a perfect shield to protect you,
Not a broken one like me..
"Okita-san.." she muttered.
Don't give me the sad look.
Whether if I want to think of myself as a sword to protect you,
I will never be able to be there for you.
I want to protect you.. but I cannot.
You know that too, right?
The only thing I could give her was just a fake reassuring smile that I would be alright before I turned to leave. I need some time to cool off. Deciding that I would just go to the temple, I ended up spending my night there. First, my parents died. Then my sister abandoned me. Everyone had always gave me that pitiable look that even made me allergic until now. When I finally met Kondou-san, he was the light that I could trust with my entire life. He was the only treasure I kept my hopes up to. Now that my light is gone, where should I go..? Where do I belong?
Sometimes, I wanted to so badly call him with 'father' instead of 'Kondou-san'. He deserved a much better life, why die so early? I'm the one who should have died for all my sins. Without knowing it, my restless mind decided to gave up against my will. The next morning, I left the temple and returned to that horrid place, as much as I didn't want to. Afterall, I didn't want to make Chizuru have that sad look again.
In the day, since Hijikata-san wasn't recovering well, we holed up in Shimizu-ya, in Nanukamachi neighborhood, Aizukawamatsu. I decided to wander around the neighborhood. Seeing him laying on the futon didn't make me worry at all. With my worsening coughing fits, that didn't make my mood any better. I didn't do much that day but avoiding them and spend time for myself and in the evening, I decided to visit a temple again.
Children were everywhere, happily playing with their friends. This made my thoughts to wander on the old times when I was so young and Kondou-san would take me to the festivals. These innocent kids have no idea what rough life awaited ahead of them if ever they understand. I sat there on the wooden stairs, muffling my coughs as I watched them. Unconsciously, a smile pulled on my lips. My mind was drifted on the happy expressions on their face until I heard light footsteps approached me. Apparently, her ball dropped and fell right before me.
"Onii-chan.. nani shitteru no?" I blinked as I looked at her. Her innocent face resembled that girl again. I managed to mutter a confused reply though, "E? Nani.. shitterun darou?"
The girl remained silent as I stared back at her. And at that moment, it seemed as though Kondou-san was there for me. For some odd reason, really.
"Sou da na.." I replied, smiling a little. The girl then took her ball with her again. Perhaps she looked at me weird from not saying anything much other than those thoughtless words I mentioned earlier.
The night had fallen once again on this city. My memories have yet to fade that I decided to stay away from them again. My thoughts were still wondering on what to do. Killing was definitely not an option, yet tragically, that was the only thing that I could do. I didn't notice when did I fall asleep..-- but in my vague mind, Chizuru's words returned to me.
Gasping in surprise, my eyes went side. What was that? Was it a clue for what I have to do next? Protect Hijikata? The dark wooden ceiling of the temple was the view that first greeted my sight as soon as I recollected my mind. Sitting up, I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. Indeed, by protecting Hijikata, that would mean I'd be able to protect Shinsengumi. The organization everyone else had worked so hard to build. But, would it really have a meaning? My train of thoughts were interrupted when I heard mumbles of several people around.
"I'm certain that must be Hijikata."
Huh?
Surprised with such coincidence, I went to hid myself behind the wooden wall and listened to their supposed to be a secret conversation.
"They're now hiding in Nanukamachi at the Shimizu-ya."
There were indeed some ronin outside..
"Alright, I'll inform the others." The three ronin that I saw took their leave. My resolve was made. I did need to swing my sword on something and killing them would be beneficial in a situation like this. I took my katana and set out to follow them, walking through the depth of darkness of the forest, I saw a larger number of their group. And there, on some of the ronin's hands were those firearms. I remembered seeing them in the moment I sought out to find who shot Kondou-san. I stared at the group for a moment. Seeing how I would be surely outnumbered didn't scare me.
"Ugh!" I winced as the pain on my chest seem to doubled more than previously. I had a hard time having to muffle my cough as I clutched my chest in pain desperately, but ended vomiting that red liquid on the ground. There was now too much of them that I felt my heart beat faster in uncertainty.
I'm going to die either I survive this fight or not..
I looked up to the sky, probably, it would be my last time seeing these beautiful stars gracing the night sky.. There was no denying it.
"Kondou-san.." I muttered weakly. Even smiling felt so painful right now.
Soon.. I'll be there with you..
"If Kondou-san entrusted the Shinsengumi to Hijikata-san.. it means I have to protect him as well, right..?"
With a new resolve, I wrapped the white cloth around my hand and my katana. This might really just be my last sword clash, my last duel, my last time for everything. With every steps that I took, it felt only firmer.
"Hey you, step aside!" called one of the leader, the moment they saw me blocking their road. However, I didn't plan to back down.
I'm not going to let any of you walk past me.
"If you intend to get in our way, we'll kill you as well!" they warned as three of them bent down and directed the firearms at me. One shot.. and I felt the bullet grazed my forehead. Another shot, hit my body and the last one went into my thigh. My balance was disrupted. I remember the feeling of this pain. This was worse than being slashed with a sword. I still didn't budge from my spot. I have promised.
"Finish him."
A loud battle cry raged in the deep forest as a good number of them approached me.
I can still fight!
Feeling the Rasetsu power seeped throughout my veins, the unexplainable power flowed in me. This was the last time, I know. I brought my sword to slay them in a single blow, earning them a gasp as they called out from a distance.
That look.. I'll wipe them off your face.
"You.. What are you?!"
"... Shinsengumi.. Ichibangumi Kumichou, Okita Souji."
Right, fear me now.
Never have I felt this proud of my title and position before,
but now, it felt so powerful.
With fixed gaze on them, I had no fear of them. The group began to scatter themselves out of their formation and charged at me. What pathetic bunch of cowards.
Seeing that there is only one person in front of you right now,
you want to kill him so badly that you told all your forces to come at me.
I gripped my sword tighter before I charged right back at them.
With this blade, I'll put an end to everything now.
I swung my sword and killed one, however, their attack didn't stop. One samurai came after another, making me sick at the sight. Is this what you call as living the way of a warrior? I kept swinging my sword. I had no idea how many lives have I taken with this sword of mine, but I just couldn't stop right now. It had been hours of fighting.. I fought throughout the night. When they heard that I was the First Unit Captain of Shinsengumi, their rage seemed to double. Curses about how Shinsengumi had killed people unsightly only made my resolve firmer. The thought, just like earlier, was the black flame in my heart. I turned my back to see that there was a coming attack with larger number that I pulled out my wakizashi. True that I rarely used my left hand, but that didn't mean it is useless. I screamed out my own enraged battle cry and brought them down with ease.
You know nothing of us!
You know nothing how we struggled to be at the top!
How dare you look down on Kondou-san's hard work?!
I will kill you.. I will kill you!
I swung my arms restlessly, now sheathing back my wakizashi as their number lessened. Although I didn't want to admit it, morning came down. I must have fought the entire night that my arms had betrayed my will and I would stumble now and then. But I couldn't be defeated now.
Not until I kill a single one of you.
A sword brought its way down, slashing my back. I grunted at the pain and turned to slash him. My legs.. I couldn't move them much around now. As I turned my body to bring my sword down, instead of seeing the blood splattered, a sharp pain went trough my abdomen.
"Heh.." I snickered as I held his katana tightly, the metal was filled with nothing but brute force. I didn't care how it wound my hand, but I pulled it away and brought my sword to take his life away. Staggering back, the wound was not helping. I could feel my sight was fading and that the power of the Rasetsu was dissipating. This was my limit. There were only a few number of them left.
I can do this..
They gasped at the transformation of my hair and eyes as I returned to my former self. Though that didn't change the fact that I was still a threat to them.
"Argh!" A painful cry echoed in the bright morning. The last painful cry I'd hear as I pulled out my sword and his body fell to the ground.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
My heart beat has gone weaker. I fell on my knees as I stabbed the katana to the ground for support.
I wish.. I could tell you how much I need you..
Again, that girl's face came into my mind. Her cheerful smile.. her laugh.. her flustered face whenever I teased her..
I choked on my breath as I felt my presence fading.
Is this what you feel when you're dying?
Every time I kill, I never have anything in mind.
It just so happened on its own,
my arms would move and brought this sword down to kill.
I never thought of their feeling.
I never thought how they felt, nor do I think of their fear.
I just kill.
Isn't that what a sword supposed to be?
These thoughts turned me grim.
Chizuru..
I muttered quietly as I gripped my katana tighter. Regrets came last, I suddenly fear death. But who would care? This place was just too quiet for anyone to hear me. I couldn't.. hold it any longer..
Can you hear me..?
I could see how my fingers turned to dust. Great power sure came with greater risk. I should have known better. I tilted my head up to the sky which was painfully too beautiful. Perhaps, my ending isn't going to be that horrible, right? At least, I got to meet my last morning before having to give into the world of darkness. Giving one last defeated sigh, I closed my eyes.. I could no longer feel my arms.
It's over..
I'm sorry I can't protect you no matter how badly I want it..
Please don't forget, I'm always praying for your happiness..
Chizuru..
...
..Aishiteru yo..