Seeing him die... Is so painful.
My heart is crying.
Tears keep coming.
It was a week-long battle, and Coco fought hard.
Even if he was skeletal thin, even though it was hard to breathe, even when his legs were shaking and was shivering with chills.
Poor, young Coco.
My baby Coco.
It was so painful to hold his fragile little body in my arms, when just a few hours ago he had been sleeping like a baby in my chest.
I sang to him "Lighters" and I'd wake him up every hour to feed him with a syringe.
Then I'd say to him, in a soothing voice, "good job baby, onting tiis na lang gagaling ka na."
Then I'd imagine him getting better... Running around the house, sleeping next to us, eating on his own, barking...
He'd become a fatty and we'd have pictures together and grow old with us.
He'd be a very cute, very sweet and submissive puppy.
That was his personality, ever since he came to us with energy, and even till his last days... He never annoyed us or caused trouble.
After feeding, he'd rest his tiny chin on my arm or my chest and look at me with teary eyes, as if he knew.
But he tried to be strong, he tried to stay alive for us.
Not knowing what kind of pain he felt inside, he had been suffering so much.
I keep thinking...
If I had been awake, would I have saved him... I would hold him and sing to him until he fell asleep again.
It crossed my mind last night, that I shouldn't have gone upstairs and let him sleep in my tummy, because he looked so comfy in there.
But I let my sleepiness win and put him back in the cage, thinking Brik would wake up soon and care for him.
Then Brik woke me up, crying that Coco was no longer breathing.
When I held him, life was no longer there. His eyes were half-open and tear-stricken. His body was limp and heavy.
Coco had left us.
I held him, kissed his head and said goodnight... And then I sang, and then the tears came and I kept saying sorry for not being able to save him...
I'm so sorry Coco.
Ate Meryll loves you.
The bible never mentioned animals in heaven, I think... But I keep hoping he's in a happy place right now, with soft fluffy clouds, just like his bed.
In a place where he is not sick and weak, in a place where he can eat corn dog bread to his heart's content, and run and roll and play and wag his tail nonstop.
That's what my Coco deserves...
A peaceful and happy place.
Tears again. Shit.
Having to lay him on a basket, I placed a folded towel under his chin, because he likes that. Then Brik picked flowers outside and I placed them beside his body, careful not to "wake him up".
I adjusted his legs and combed his soft baby fur, careful not to hurt his skin. There were split seconds that I forgot he was no longer alive, and when the truth came back it hurt even more.
Like going against waves in the beach. You try to stand, but it slams into your body repeatedly, reminding you that the Coco in front of you will not feel pain or wake up, because he is no longer alive.
Anyway, it got me thinking. I had posted this in Facebook first, but nobody seems to care except for Ms. Anonymous and her sister.
Maybe it's because I hadn't been in FB for so long that people had forgotten I exist, and also maybe because I forgot that they exist first.
Either way, I had been been out of touch with some of my friends... Because, I don't know.
Maybe God is punishing me for not caring for other people by taking away the little one I care for the most.
But why Coco? An animal capable of genuine love, so young and so innocent, is more care-worthy than fake and selfish humans.
Poor, young baby Coco.
He now lies in a small lot adjacent to our house.
I really miss him so much, and the fact that he's not there when I look... It starts from the tightening of the chest, rising to my face, to my nose and to my eyes, and all I can think of is how bad Coco suffered and how he will never be with us anymore.
This pain... So much pain.
More pain than any other death I have come across, because Coco is only two months old and has only been with us for two weeks, but has left such an impact.
A dog's loyalty and gentleness...
Genuine gentleness, asking for nothing in return, staying in your arms and looking at you with pained yet forgiving eyes.
Coco will... Always be my dog right?
Always be my little Coco, my fighting Coco.
I do not want another pet.
But animals should be really cared for and loved.
Especially the newborn ones and the old ones and the dying ones and the ones on the street that have no breed or papers.
Coco is okay now.
He is in puppy heaven where there is no more suffering and force feeding.
We're not in his puppy heaven, but I hope that until his last breath, he knows that he was loved and cared for... So much.
★ meryll ★