right, I finally registered on this site. why? because I've so much stuck inside and I needed to get them out somehow and thought this may not be such a bad idea.
truth be told I think I actually want my stuff to be read sometimes.
I mean, for really private stuff i can keep dear diary right?
just mere act of writing mundane things out is soothing, even therapeutic I think.
especially for a very frustrated individual like me.
so here I go for the virgin voyage.
there's this guy I like very much right, and I realized yesterday that I've been carrying feelings for him for exactly a year.
okay, we kissed maybe three times, maybe a little more. nothing further happened except he took me out for a dinner finally, like three months ago.
he says he's gay but he's also married.
ordinarily I wouldn't even consider spending time with a guy like him, but the thing is I really really like him.
how much "like"?
like teenage crazy like.
there must be some kind of chemical reaction I get from him and I get this over powering feelings for him.
it's awful.
and he's fucking married.
the trouble is he's such a good kisser...
and I catch myself wondering what would it be like to be in bed with him.
would he be a gentle lover?
would he fuck me like an animal?
a great kisser and great lover?
a great kisser and premature ejaculator?
I want to know.
it's driving me crazy.
yesterday I came to a conclusion.
he likes me enough, he doesn't hate me. that I can tell.
he was curious about me sometimes over the year and perhaps he still is sometimes.
but he's not all that into me.
the very fact we've known each other for over a year and we've had enough opportunities to try out our physical compatibility and we haven't... well... isn't this loud enough answer?
it was a revelation I needed like 11 months ago.
while I'm relieved finally to get my head around this, I can't deny I still feel blue.
I think I saw his wife walking by down the street yesterday.
she was prettier in person.
she seemed to be nice, no shit.
I only saw her photos before but I'm convinced it was her.
and I'm all ditz inside with tangled emotions, good and bad.