Hello everyone. I haven't upload any blogs since I don't even remember. I apologise to everyone who ever looking forward to my posts or simply to myself, because I am losing so much memories by not jotting them down.
CANDYからの投稿
Life is getting more insane lately. I am in my third / last year of university. Time flies like crazy and I am stranded in vexation. Now I am working in a restaurant along with doing university full time. I feel more content by living my both foot on the ground. However I feel like I am dying.
Even going shopping is a luxurious thing to me now. I literally have no time for everything except travel back and forth between school, home and work. I wonder what I am working for? Am I saving up for master degree in Australia? Can I really do it? If not, why I am sufferingall these crap. The reason I wanted to stay is my beloved boyfriend. I always always want a future with him. Remember almost two years ago, he was literally my everything and I was so lost. I still love him, but the sparks seems to fade and I start pondering what put us together while we don't have much in common.
I talked to my sister last night. She pointed out that he could bea lovely lifelong partner and he is sweet and stuff. I tend to think that way too. However I don't know what a good relationship should be, when it should be ended. No relationship is perfect, there are always compromise and downside. I wonder is this relationship becomingtoxic to me and I am just hanging around and wait for it to work. I love him, but I can see the difference between us (age, knowledge and mindsets) I feel left out all the time and I don't know how to survive.
Meanwhile, I am happy with my best mate. We can talkabout everything, all my sadness and past and silly jokes. Something I can never admit to my boyfriend. I sortof understand that's because he is my best friend so I don't have to worry about the consequences. There's love between us but I barely know what I should really do.
It is super void in my heart and I want someone to tell me what's going on.
I went camping on Saturday night, it was fabulous.
CANDYからの投稿
Hello, I feel like I have been talking to myself rather than blogging anymore. I need a platform to talk to myself so I could save some people time from listening to me rambling shit.
Anyway, today I just want to talk about long distance relationship, let’s call it “LDR”. I am currently in one, and I am not sure will I accept another LDR again. I used to tell my friends that LDR never works, and that seems to be true. Arthur left for the US since the beginning on November; it has been a month since we are separated. I was lonely for the first few days, but then I let the emotions fade and enjoy my life again. We never Skype or call each other, and messages involve but that’s about it.
Arthur told me that he got an offer for an internship in Canada in coming Northern hemisphere summer (I assume it will be June). And he will be away for 4-5 months. He said he will take advantages to visit the US before visiting Canada. Well, I am a doubtful person and I don’t trust people. Frankly, I trust no one, sometimes; I can even tell what I am pondering. Half a year will never be easy, for both of us. I fall in love with people way too often and easy, and there is no guarantee of what is going on his mind. To conclude, this drives me insane. I have hard time of dealing with stress and my extra anxiety that created by my mind. I want a stable mental stage. That will be my last year of university and my focus will be on my academics instead of relationship. I want someone to study with me instead of leaving me behind. Or, just I being alone will be better than someone messes with my feelings. Basically, please set me free from negative emotions.
He asked me would I mind and do I understand what’s going on. I said “yeah, sort of”. I sort of don’t care anymore. I guess he cares about me, but it doesn’t matter, because I just want to be happy. One thing I always tell myself, I live my own life, anything beside that is none of my business. Especially my partner’s life. Internship will be an exciting adventure for anyone; I wish I could enjoy one too in some stage of my life. I will not be the one who holds someone back because of my selfishness. I need out, I need to get out of jealousy and incredulity. I want a break. I would say we are looking for different things, having different aims. I could not see a clear future and that’s why I give up. I am never a good lover or good friend, but I would rather to stay safe than playing with my ill heart. Some days, I am afraid I will be forever alone, and I believe he could be the one. But most of the time, I am hopeless and could not care less. If we continue, I simply feel like he is wasting my youth and time.
Once we go back to Australia, maybe we should put it into a full stop.
Anyway, today I just want to talk about long distance relationship, let’s call it “LDR”. I am currently in one, and I am not sure will I accept another LDR again. I used to tell my friends that LDR never works, and that seems to be true. Arthur left for the US since the beginning on November; it has been a month since we are separated. I was lonely for the first few days, but then I let the emotions fade and enjoy my life again. We never Skype or call each other, and messages involve but that’s about it.
Arthur told me that he got an offer for an internship in Canada in coming Northern hemisphere summer (I assume it will be June). And he will be away for 4-5 months. He said he will take advantages to visit the US before visiting Canada. Well, I am a doubtful person and I don’t trust people. Frankly, I trust no one, sometimes; I can even tell what I am pondering. Half a year will never be easy, for both of us. I fall in love with people way too often and easy, and there is no guarantee of what is going on his mind. To conclude, this drives me insane. I have hard time of dealing with stress and my extra anxiety that created by my mind. I want a stable mental stage. That will be my last year of university and my focus will be on my academics instead of relationship. I want someone to study with me instead of leaving me behind. Or, just I being alone will be better than someone messes with my feelings. Basically, please set me free from negative emotions.
He asked me would I mind and do I understand what’s going on. I said “yeah, sort of”. I sort of don’t care anymore. I guess he cares about me, but it doesn’t matter, because I just want to be happy. One thing I always tell myself, I live my own life, anything beside that is none of my business. Especially my partner’s life. Internship will be an exciting adventure for anyone; I wish I could enjoy one too in some stage of my life. I will not be the one who holds someone back because of my selfishness. I need out, I need to get out of jealousy and incredulity. I want a break. I would say we are looking for different things, having different aims. I could not see a clear future and that’s why I give up. I am never a good lover or good friend, but I would rather to stay safe than playing with my ill heart. Some days, I am afraid I will be forever alone, and I believe he could be the one. But most of the time, I am hopeless and could not care less. If we continue, I simply feel like he is wasting my youth and time.
Once we go back to Australia, maybe we should put it into a full stop.