24th of July, 2018
Dear Little Koji,
How are you? I bet you'll answer that you're fine. But I know very well you're not.
I know it's tough to be different, to have no friends at all. You have a hard time finding a group to do the school project. The school teacher calls your parent and says that you're very quiet because you lack of family love. There is uncountable thoughts of wanting to die, countless sweat and tears to graduate from the high school.
In this chance, I want to thank you, real thank you for your hardwork. Because I used to be alone, I can go anywhere I want. I go to the capital city to work, without having to depend on other people. I can go to restaurant, cafe, shop, hospital either with friends or by myself. It's so flexible that I'm so comfortable with it.
I also can relate to many people's feelings. I learn how to appreciate people more, learn how to understand them better. I'm still imperfect but I guess I wouldn't even think about it if I've never felt so alone before.
I'm still struggling when I need to talk to people, sometimes I overthink about it because of those experiences, but I'm just fine, real fine. With all I am, I'm absolutely getting better. I can make jokes, I laugh so loudly, that people around me can laugh because of me. People barely see me as an introvert, they don't even think that I was so quiet before. Just two days ago, someone said to me "Your cheerfulness brings the mood up". I'm so happy that the useless me can also make someone cheerful! It still a long way to go, but I will work hard to be better.
I know you worry about a lot of things, but everything will just be fine. I mean, worries will always there, no matter how well the condition you have. You worry, I worry, and everyone else is also worrying about something. When you think about it, there are still lots of things to be grateful. You just can't see it when you're in sad and blue. Even when the moon and the stars are hidden by the clouds, they will always illuminate the town, right? Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Even after this, if there is a sad thing or hard times, let's face it together, I'm sure when we look back we will be grateful with any moments happened in our life. Fighting for a better life!
Sincerely,
Your future
♬ "What are you doing? Are you still awake?" ♬
When that part of "Mou Ichido" song by Dohzi-T feat Beni plays, I'm always thinking of you.
It's been 6 months since I know you. I don't really remember when was the first time we greeted each other, but my first memory of you was when you greeted me while I was taking my snacks, lol. You looked so friendly asking "How is work?", and I, who that time was just resigned from my company, frankly answered "Good, because I don't have any". I wonder what was your feeling, getting that kind of answer from me. Guilty? Annoyed? Or nothing? To let you know, I wasn't offended at all, that's just my usual way to answer a confusing question, lol. I also remember the time you asked me, "You can play drum, can't you?" and I played dumb, asking back "Huh? Who said that?". Well, I don't really want people that I meet know that I play drum, that's why. But in the end, I tell you that I can, anyway :D
I don't know what God has planned for us, but I think it was not a coincidence that you replaced my group mentor for a month. There, you made us to analyze about our own family tree, and I said something stupid back then. I said I'm different from my family and you asked whether you can see my paper. Well, of course I cannot say "No" to you since you were my mentor, right? I was being silent for some seconds, thinking what should I do. Because I don't want to lose my 'ignorant' image, I ended up automatically saying "Yeaaaaa.... Sure, no problem". Then, you found out my biggest weakness....
You said you wanted to meet me personally. I pretended to be surprised, when I actually had expected those possibility. It's just a normal request when you read what I wrote on the paper, I guess.
I got several days before meeting you personally. Those days, I wondered on what should I say, since I know which topic you would bring up. In the end, I decided to be just truthful, just be the real me. Well, it's kinda awkward after that, just as expected from an introvert like me. I wanted to greet you, but I ended up like I was avoiding you... But believe me, I don't want to avoid you at all! It always depressed me so much everytime I looked like avoiding you because I'm so afraid that you would think I hated you.
Every week I struggled to just greet you, but at last I could greet you just fine. I waved a little bit at you, and you smiled back at me. You sat in front of me, and you threw a small joke on me. I remembered meeting you near the sofa area, I awkwardly greet you and wanted to leave but you called me back, saying that I needed to help you take care of your bag for some minutes. I wonder, did I really need to take care of the bag? I mean, it was so safe there, no one will take your bag even if I didn't take care of it, right? Did you just want me to be around there for a while, so that I'm not alone? Or it's all just my overthinking?
Another thing that I super remember is when we met at the hall. You said to me "Don't keep your problem to yourself, you can talk to me whenever you need. It helps". I left while answering "Ah, please don't say something like that, ah". I mean, you nearly made me cry in front of many people, you know? Lol. I do cry, but preferably not in front of people :D There, you hug and pat my head for the first time ever...
Between those moment, I don't remember very well when it is but you smartly persuade me to play drum. You said there is a little boy which was trained and ended up playing so well. "Do you want to try? Just one song", you said. And I lost. I was being persuaded after 4 months strictly saying "No" to play the drum. You watched me on my very first training and shouted "What's up with your face? It's like you don't have any future". Lol. Of course, I was super nervous, I didn't eat much for 3 days because I was so nervous that I got nausea. How could I control my face!
It was just last week, you asked me to meet you, again. You smartly and successfully trapped me to meet a drum mentor suddenly. Lol. Of course I cannot say no, I don't want to run away from my obligation either. I wonder, did you want me to meet him suddenly so that I don't overthink about it beforehands? I didn't know which face did I make that time, but you said my face was so funny when I was nervous and you stroke my back as I walked. I felt calmer because of that :) Thank you.
You watched my training two times so far, and always thanked the drum mentor on my behalf. I somehow feel like a child whose parents are observing their child progress in learning something. I've always seen this kind of parents when I actively joined tennis training back in junior high school, and maybe I secretly hoped for it. After the training, you stroke my back, you pat my head, you hug me or touch my hair. Not only after the training, but I don't know since when, you often do that things to me. I feel so happy and special...
When I said I will take the Japanese language exam, you said "You won't go there, right?". I don't know. I really really don't know. Then you keep saying "Don't go. What about this drum training if you go?". I wonder if you really concern about the drum training, or you concern about me and make the drum training as an excuse?
I wonder, there are so many things you do because you know my personality so well, or it's just my another overthinking, my another imagination?
Whatever it is, it still means a lot to me. I might be your no one, but you're definitely my special, so I put you in my prayer night and day, hoping God will bless you everyday :D
I know that you have your own family, you will soon have your own baby, your own child, and you will be very busy on your own. We might not meet so often anymore, but I will still believe that God makes us separated for a good reason.
Thank you for being one of many precious memories in my life.
