There must be something wrong in the picture when all the source of my depression and anxiety is found in the person that I thought I was deeply in love with. I mean it's so fuckin stupid because I go through this every single day. It's almost like a bipolar emotional cycle, like an emotional rollercoaster. I know that my expectations are just way too high up in the sky for him to even see it. I mean, we've been "together" for the past 2 years and I only see a subtle, very small change in our relationship. I just feel like I will never be able to get rid of the "wall" inbetween us no matter how hard I try or what I do. I even lose track of what I'm supposed to say and how I'm supposed to act. For real. This is the detrimental consequence of an addictive relationship. It surely tears you up inside before you realize it.
So today wasn't a very good day for me - I couldn't get myself up early enough to make it to work on time. I was late, and didn't even try to get ready quickly. Matter fact I think I even spent more time getting myself ready than I would on normal days. I guess I really didn't care because I was late anyways. Work was okay. Didn't do much - just a whole bunch of boring filing and mailings. I sometimes feel why I'm even doing what I'm doing for a only few bucks. I mean what the fuck. I totally shoulda stayed on the research assistant job where the hours were super flexible and I was getting paid nearly $2 more on top of what I make now. I really wish the int'l studies had made it clear to me beforehand that I was not going to be able to get an off-campus jobs but no crying over spilled milk.
There are some days I can function really well, and other times - like today - I just feel like shit. As I was talking to Michelle and Austin earlier, these days my brain is totally rejecting me and my left hemisphere is just boycotting. The things that I'm trying to say just don't come out right and I end up mumbling some shit that I don't even know the meanings of. Not only that, the pronunciation becomes so hard on those days. The harder I try, the more complicated it gets and next moment I notice I am just speaking some gibberish that nobody understands. But I know I'm just being social-phobic and perfectionistic. It's just really frustrating when that happens - it really hurts my self-esteem and confidence.
Okay I think I'm done for tonight. I really should get up early tomorrow morning so I will make it to work. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. But I guess I'm the one who makes the determination - so good luck myself.
Peace.
So today wasn't a very good day for me - I couldn't get myself up early enough to make it to work on time. I was late, and didn't even try to get ready quickly. Matter fact I think I even spent more time getting myself ready than I would on normal days. I guess I really didn't care because I was late anyways. Work was okay. Didn't do much - just a whole bunch of boring filing and mailings. I sometimes feel why I'm even doing what I'm doing for a only few bucks. I mean what the fuck. I totally shoulda stayed on the research assistant job where the hours were super flexible and I was getting paid nearly $2 more on top of what I make now. I really wish the int'l studies had made it clear to me beforehand that I was not going to be able to get an off-campus jobs but no crying over spilled milk.
There are some days I can function really well, and other times - like today - I just feel like shit. As I was talking to Michelle and Austin earlier, these days my brain is totally rejecting me and my left hemisphere is just boycotting. The things that I'm trying to say just don't come out right and I end up mumbling some shit that I don't even know the meanings of. Not only that, the pronunciation becomes so hard on those days. The harder I try, the more complicated it gets and next moment I notice I am just speaking some gibberish that nobody understands. But I know I'm just being social-phobic and perfectionistic. It's just really frustrating when that happens - it really hurts my self-esteem and confidence.
Okay I think I'm done for tonight. I really should get up early tomorrow morning so I will make it to work. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. But I guess I'm the one who makes the determination - so good luck myself.
Peace.
Whatever happened to my studying agenda that I set prior to the break, I have accomplished ABSOLUTELY nothing, which I'm not surprised (being a procrastinator that I am). It's also surprising that I hadn't had any turkey for TG (until this afternoon when I had some for late lunch). But overall my break was good. Didn't do much, just hung around at the apartment, watched hella lots of movies, did nothing productive. 
) and he stayed til this morning (he left so early like @ 8:30 am) and it was AWE-some
We didn't do much though because he didn't drive and it was way too cold for us to be walking around. We basically just hung around, watch movies, ate, drank, chilled and chilled. We did a lot of drinking, too. ha! I probably passed out on the second night of his stay after a countless numbers of loser shots (we were playing poker for shots). There are some pics on my camera that I don't even remember taking. lol. Oh joy
