deep hidden thoughts
i have some of these deep hidden thoughts that i don't normally reveal to anyone else. if anyone find these and plan to use them against me, for your own pleasure, or i don't know... go ahead. i don't mind.firstly, i don't want to get married. even though if i were to marry somebody, it's never going to be because of love. i might marry because my parents force me to, either to regain honor or bear children. to be honest, i couldn't see myself being happily married with kids in the future. i'd rather live alone for the rest of my life (or maybe with a cat. it could make my life a little bearable).i have no interests in pursuing romantic relationships. i'm not an aromantic or asexual, but i'm just not fit to be with somebody, ever. plus, i don't think any person would be interested or attracted to me, even the slightest. i have never dated, and will never date anyone ever. i deserve an award for this, honestly.i have a lot of acquaintances, very little friends, and very very few best friends. i am not good at keeping in contact and communicating with people. i don't care when, where, or with whom of what they have done. i am bad at being around people, and i like being in solitude. i don't talk unless somebody want me to. i used to cry before i went to sleep since i often bottled up my feelings for not having enough people to trust my feelings.i grew up insecure and lonely because of my father's hostile upbringing when i was a child. my friends hated me because i discharged my emotions at the wrong place and in the wrong time. i always thought that people would think i am a freak, a weirdo, a creep... so i transformed myself that way along with my thoughts. i was stigmatized by negativity and it turned me into a negative person. it's not other people's fault, it's always me.if you asked me how i see myself in the future, i would cry. the only good part of it is how i am able to see myself as a successful career woman but not as a wife and a mother. i will never become either one of the last two. i am always afraid that i'd become my mother.my mother is the strongest woman i know. she is the breadwinner of the family, while my dad is a stay-at-home dad. she's the one who has been taking good care of me and my brother, and she has always been the one who gives me a positive outlook in life. she is like the sun among rainy days. she is the only family member that i could trust with all my heart. i love my mother so much even if i didn't talk much about anything with her.but there are times when my mother has too much burden to bear, having me and my brother growing up without enough care since she works 10 hours a day, my dad being busy with his own and only knows how to provide care through materials, and all i could rely on was the housekeeper. we don't hire one as of now. my mother is a very strong person indeed.i am scared that i will grow old and have kids at late age like my mother, but then my kids won't be able to spend time with me because i have to work and their father is emotionally neglecting them as he is only able to spend the money that i earn for pleasure. i am terrified that my children will grow helpless and have to figure out life by themselves because their parents are either too busy or emotionally distant yet controlling. i am terrified that i will become a bad parent, or worse than my own parents. i am terrified that my kids won't be able to have a "normal" life as they will blame me or my husband for our faults.even as of now, i don't feel like i could ever be normal. i still think that i am a creep and that people won't ever care for me. i am still insecure and lonely. i am still scared that i won't make it through life. i think i would die at 27, then the rest is just the darkness of my grave.
