You know that horrible, little niggling voice in the back of your head that tells you mean and nasty one liners to kick you hard in the groin - or in a woman's case... kick you hard in the groin. Contrary to what people might say, everyone has a demon inside of them - and if you don't I would gladly like to take lessons from you on how to get rid of it please.
My demons involve how I will never be good enough for anyone - and this even includes now as my relationship seems to be a good position, despite him being away in South Korea until the beginning of September visiting his family/taking a holiday. We manage to talk to each other at the weekends and even some days during the week when I am not exhausted from work and time zone differences show that neither one of us are asleep just yet. Yet, I still have that awful niggle down in the base of my skull telling me something is going to go wrong and knowing my luck, that I will be the one who will screw it up with my insecurity and jealousy. I did my other half right from the beginning (even before we made our relationship official) that I had these /imperfections/ about me and he understood, where as in the past it has come across to me that it makes others back away and hold back on what they feel and want to say etc. So, I want to say that with Tom being OK with the I can be it should feel like a relief and you know that metaphor "weight off my shoulders" well, yes that one and I don't.
Another demon of mine and would quite possibly the biggest demon I have about me is my weight. Now, I'm sure every girl has their problems with their weight - being too skinny or being morbidly obese etc. My problem being is that I am /FINALLY/ losing this weight I have been carrying around on me since the age of 13 years old, and I still wonder how and why it has taken me almost 10 years to realise that being this size and weight is not a good thing. Despite going to the gym and walking my dogs twice a day and even using the wii fit for an hour every single day, I don't feel that I am losing the weight as quickly as I would like to and because of this, I am not toning up as quickly as I would like to either. In my mind, it just sucks that I won't be like any of the models you see in magazines and I know the smallest size I could probably get down to will be a size 12/14 and in society's eyes that is still /FAT/ or that could just possibly be just in my eyes... I look at my friends who dress the way I would kill to dress and I'll admit that I am envious of them every single day of how lucky they all are they get to dress the way they can. I'll also admit that it is my fault for becoming the way I am and that it is my fault for being so lazy and not doing anything about it for so long, but that envy rips through every piece of my body and it upsets me because I cannot bond with these people over fashion. I do love fashion but I feel that as a larger person, I don't have any say about it because the fashion I like is tailored for smaller sized people. I now officially feel like that I have made up every excuse under the sun about my weight and it is time to put a stop to it all but those demons inside my head tell me that I could fail and that I could stay like this for the rest of my life.
I'm sick of it all. I am sick and tired of these voices trying to control me and how I live and how I choose to change the small things about me. I am trying to become that stronger person I crave so much to become, but there are days where that crave is just not enough. I feel like I am just fighting a never-ending battle with my conscious.
Peace Out
xoxo