どのように説明すればいいですか？
You once said that I want my other half to "give me his heart on a platter". At that time, I laughed it off as a joke. I didn't know whether you were saying that seriously or not, so I replied by saying that a bloody heart on a platter is a bit gross, so I will settle for seeing the guy's beating heart and added a laughing emoji.
What I could not bring myself to admit to you then, and probably still find it hard to say out loud, was that you were not totally wrong. I found it hard to believe you were being honest when you said you liked me (in fact, I still cannot say now that I am 100% convinced). I just couldn't believe that someone like you would like someone like me. So when you said something sweet, I kept telling myself that it was not true, that you were just saying it to sound romantic, and it doesn't mean anything. Even though there were times where you tried to reassure me that you had feelings for me, internally I was telling myself "Me? What's so good about me? Why me? No way... not possible."
That's why I was always asking you what you liked about me.
A close friend asked me the other day why I was so resistant to accept that there was someone out there who might actually like me - the someone obviously referring to you. I couldn't answer her then, but that question did stay in my mind since then. Honestly, I guess I was scared. I have never met a guy like you before - someone who was such a sweet-talker, someone who openly and frequently declared how much he liked me and wanted to see me (amongst other things...), someone who lived on a different continent and who seemed to live a very different life to what I knew, someone who seemed to understand my sense of humour despite my less than stellar language skills... someone who I really liked, but was of a different religion to me. (Yes, I really liked you.) You seemed too good to be true - You were either Mr Almost-Perfect, or a very experienced con-man. And the whole time I was getting to know you, I felt like I was in this bubble that was going to burst anytime - like I will suddenly get cheated out of my money or I will find out that you were a middle aged man who was married with two children and a mistress on the side, or I wake up one day finding myself with some crazy possessive boyfriend that would not allow me to go out (yes clearly, it shows that I have watched a lot of melodramas).
And then one month after meeting you (and not in person by the way), you suddenly brought up having a future together and buying houses and all that stuff, and I will tell you now, that really took me by suprise. In my mind, I was just only beginning to come round to the fact that you are a real person, and you might actually be who you claim to be, and it was kinda fun being with you... Definitely was not picturing any sort of long term future with you whatsoever. I couldn't even picture what a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with you would be like... okay no, that is actually a lie. (and a conversation for another time...)
Maybe that's the difference between a "boss"and a doctor? Maybe it's the difference between our characters? Or maybe it is just me - and I am just being a very wary tortoise when it comes to my love life.
Anyway, I don't even know what made me think of writing this. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest, and if you did not know before, you know now...
But the sad reality is, you will never ever read this...