勉強中

試験が迫ってくる、、、。

ヤバス。

何でこんなむちゃなスケジュールを立てたのか、自分を問いただしたい。

いやいつもか。

がんばる。

にきび→皮膚科→抗生物質処方→服用→胃が荒れる→胃があれてニキビができる。

これ意味あんのかな。。。

延々繰り返してっけど。

I do not know how I can recompense the one who has already gone.

And I do not think there is any good answer in this world.

Nevertheless, that remainds me of the painful days.

Everyone has that kind of agony.

Everyone should seek to the way to break thier own pride.

Everyone should endure loneliness.

Everyone should seek to find the one who accepts thier weakness.

They are, for all the people, that high walls in thier life.

Unfortunately, it is not possible to achieve the goal only with thier efforts.

Sometimes fortune comes, sometimes not.

Without any reason. Without mercy.

The memory drags me into the deep obsession like the other day.

In addition, eventhough it is self- centred, or warped,

it was love, as everyone has.

It is the truth that I have to admit.

And whether the one is my neighbor or not,

when they die, I do respect thier life, and

I do send them with a lot of affection.

Eventhough they are true,

I should not be involved in any particular emotion, and stay calm.

I know I can not change anymore.

And I know I should not be obsessed.

And what I can do for them is to work hard,

for the ones who are alive, who are the ones whom I can not live without,

for the reason I live.

eventhough it is not 'special.'

近況

研修兼バイトが始まった。

大変だけど楽しいぜい。

がんばります。

今度引っ越します。

新しい住まいが楽しみ。

久しぶりにバイト仲間と再会した。

とても懐かしかった。

皆いい人ばっかりで、会うと心が洗われます。

また会いたいな。

でもお酒はほどほどに。

Like a pile of rubble

Like a pile of rubble in the wilds,

it lies in front of her.

Feelings can't be expressed with such simple words like love, and hatred.

Nontheless we do depend on strong central one among complexed emotional line up.

She does not know how she sould feel,

how she should express,

how she should be moved.

Sad?

Liberalisation?

Regretance?

Apology?

or

Love?

Bawl?

But she knows she should not choose one among them to feel, express, or to be moved forward.

Because she believes the complexity is the uniquness of human beings.

The agony gives people uniqueness, speciality.

That can turn to 'the meaning to live,' the value of existence for the stupid civilised.

"Because we were excluded, we are special, we are the one."

Idea of the chosen, or Resentment

That makes a border between people.

She knows such idea would endanger themselves.

It's the time to open the internal uniquness to share with others.

Hence, she gave up choosing.

She doesn't tell anything.

The only thing she 'sees' is, a pile of rubble.

Lots of debris.

They tortured her.

They should have tortured her for twenty-six years.

They are the ones, which she decided to live with.

They are the ones, from which she raised the complex.

Love, hatred, sympathy, cruelty, pride, and suffer to stand by with little hope.

Now that

nothing left.

She sees it at a loss.

She stands in front of the debris at a loss in the wilds.

no need to ask for help.

no need to go deeper

Lost

That's a pretty natural phenomenon.

The only thing one can do is, "accept what one sees."

Universally.