Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

now and again for the past couple of days, a lot of things have reminded me of Joel.....especially on Saturday at the tournament. i'm not accustomed to trying to avoid someone. i went the whole day without saying "Hi" to him. and i'm sure he saw me - there were a mutual glance or two. but i'm still trying to get over him, so i'm not going to approach him until i'm back in neutral.

へんな男の子だよ!とこどき、ジョエルくんが好き。でも、he acts so young sometimes [most of the time]. i guess at this point, he's gotten real close to Shoyo them. when i met him, he was this really classy looking asian boy. what wouldn't attract me to him, of course. his smooth face, full lips, easy going personality, etc. i don't know why, but i was so turned on by the fact that he's part Hawaiian and attended Kamehameha!

i guess this taught me how misleading first impressions can be. even through all the talks we had, and all the stuff i told him, i was so convinced that he wasn't just a first impression anymore. it felt so different this time. i truly thought that this wouldn't be just another boy that would lead me on into thinking that i had a chance.

man, i really thought that this time i was cashing in. God was finally giving me a break. i played it many times in my head, how i would understand about having to be underground about it. i mean, all the Smash kids are completely straight. no crooked arrow sticking out in the grass anywhere.....except me of course. he could have been the feather that would make this crooked point fly in the right direction in life.

turns out he really is just another stick in the crowd. he had slightly more appealing candy coating, but the contents were from the same factory as the crowd. it's strange how seeing just one appealing aspect of a person can delude yourself into thinking he fits the whole package. ちがうヨォ！he had many appealing qualities that i was drawn to. but it would have never worked. i'd get my hopes up [yet again] and i'll move on to the next potentially unavailable bachelor [yet again].

these asian boys.....i hate them. they mock me with their superior good looks and...more interesting life styles. the rest of the worlds is out there living life, whilst i sit at home and wait for myself to feel better.

吉田兄弟 - STORM

i think i [kind of] figured out why those three classes weren't as big a success as i had hoped.

1) SP - my organization skills lacked everything it needed. i could not gather myself to do things on time, and i couldn't use the skills i know i possess to really pull through. i know i'm a creative writer, and i know can be a good speech writer. in the end, i just wasn't mature enough to really pull through.

2) BIO - i never took the time out my absolutely unbusy schedule to open a damn book. maybe i did somewhere in the middle, but i just completely died out and gave up. in the end, i just wasn't dedicated enough to pull through.

3) ECON - with this one, i felt way too conceited with my own parameters. in essence, i felt i was too good to really put my time and effort into studying. i thought "eh, this is easy, i can just guess." sometimes, i was right. 90% of the time, i was wrong. if i had just stuck to the formula, i'm sure i could have learned a lot and got the grade. in the end, i was too preoccupied with my own reality to realize that the world is moving on without me.

i must say this every school year, but i don't know what else to hope for. but next semester, i hope things will be better. i don't want this money to go to waste, my parents worked hard for it. i'm stressed about it everyday, but i still have the audacity to not give a shit. but i don't want to feel like this unsuccessful loser anymore. it's not a good feeling.

"when one person is unsuccessful, like a poison streaming down a river, all inhabitants will soon feel its effect. "

in the end, it's my independence that determines everything (under the power of God).

Coldplay - The Scientist

so i met Max like 3 days ago. he was here to visit Andrea. apparently they've been really good friends by talking to each other online for the past 3-4 years. i think that's pretty damn cool of him to come out all the way to Hawaii from Denver to see a friend. i wonder if Mina would ever come down here to see me?

i think it's a shame that Andrea didn't see Max as much as she should have. if they've been talking for at least 3 years, i would figure that she'd want to spend as much time with him as possible. things ended up working out in stranger ways. turns out that i had spent more time with him than anyone else during his trip.

when he arrived, they tried to come up with different plans of hanging out for them to carry out. Andrea was going to be busy with Matt for a little while, so i offered to Max that i would hang out with him whenever, just give me a call. he texted me the next day, and i told him i would come down to his hotel room to hang out.

we didn't do much, looking back. first we ate breakfast. we both had Pancakes. his had blueberries. he had extra blueberries set in a small cup on the side, and he dumped them on my pancakes because they were "high on antioxidants." then we chilled in his room for a little. afterwards we decided to go swim in the resort's pool.

i'm such a dumb ass sometimes. i have trouble swimming sometimes. but i think it was kind of cute that he laughed at me every time i struggled to swim to the wall of the pool. constantly he called me "weird" and "funny" looking. surprisingly, i wasn't as offended as i thought i would have been.

after we swam for a little while, we sat on the side to have a smoke. after bantering a couple stories, we decided to go back in the pool. as i'm getting up, a bird decides to fly right over and lay one on me....that's like the first time a bird's ever crapped on me. after Max laughs at me for a couple minutes, we swim, and go back to his room.

Austin & Andrea arrives a little while after. they only stayed for a little while though. while they're playing games on Austin's laptop, me and Max go take like a small walk around parts unknown...namely the golf course right next to the resort. we do walk around, but then a guy in a golf cart kicks us out because apparently the Resort and the actual Golf Course are two separate entities, so resort guests can't enter. douche bag.

so we go back, and after like a couple minutes Andrea & Austin have to leave. for like the next couple hours Max and I just lie in bed watching TV and movies. as boring as that sounds [and it was boring for a little while], i actually enjoyed myself. we got to talking, exchanged war stories, etc. it was really nice. i got to let stuff off of my chest that i don't normally get to pour out to people...and it's especially strange, considering that i've only met him like the other day and i can trust him with stuff that i sometimes keep from Andrea.

but the thing about Andrea is that there are times when i do want to talk to her about that kind of stuff, but she ends up not listening or her saying she understands but i know she really doesn't. i don't hate her at all for that though; i can't expect her to fully grasp the complete madness that i am.

talking to Max, him being another gay guy that can empathize, he really does understand the shit that i go through. he has been through quite a bit, according to some of his stories, so i do respect him for being the wiser one between him and i. but we do share the same ideals & values, which is very refreshing considering that the only person that kind of fits that description is Andrea. while it is enough for me at times, she's a girl so she can't really grasp all that i tell her.

anyway, back to the recap. so like i said, we basically spent the whole day in bed watching movies [Wicker Park, The Poltergeist, Jurassic Park] and talking. i really liked how he paid attention to my "quirks," as he called it. he lauged at me as i hit under the blanket in all the scary parts of the movie [guess i am quirky...and weird....but at least i'm funny too].

we did the whole "get to know each other" thing. i think i'm repeating myself, but i'll go on anyway. he had me talk about like my past, what kind of people i like, etc. he also had me defend myself, regarding why i'm single and what others think about me. i was like "i know myself, and i know what kind of criticism to take because i'm always giving a myself criticism on how to be a better person. i'm aware of good advice, bad advice, and useless advice, so i'm not a total doormat." and i went on. and he surprised me by saying that he said the same thing when he had a similar talk with someone else before.

he taught me a lot in the couple days that we hung out. first off, he let me know that it's ok being by yourself. not necessarily being alone & lonely, but just finding comfort with being by yourself. i'm glad i've already been doing that a little without realizing it.

[break]

on the bus ride home, i had another one of those moments where a sudden thought pops in my head and puts many things into better perspective...

people like Max make give me hope. meeting him made me realize that all the guys that have let me down in the past are just the tip of the iceberg. i used to have this narrow opinion on guys in general: they're either too straight, too gay, or too damn closeted. Max pretty much shattered those beliefs. i guess it makes perfect sense why i was so attracted to him. he had a really good balance of masuclinity and feminity; he was gay enough for me to relate to, but man enough to keep his gender. in essence, that is exactly what i'm looking for.

[side note] Max was one of the first people [boys] to use words like "adorable" or "cute" in reference to me.

i do hope that i meet more boys like Max. i don't think i can describe it in words, but i just hope that this will be just a mark for me to look back on and let the memories wash over me.

[return]

the next day we went to Waikiki. it took a while, and Max was getting restless on the Bus. just goes to prove how he needs to always be doing something, or else he gets bored. first we cruised Ala Moana for a little while, ate lunch, and got back on the bus to main Waikiki. at this point, he taught me how being random and unplanned can uncover potential for great memories. when we got there, i had no idea where to take him. i just had us get off at a stop that i figured was near most of the good shops and sites. but we ended up making do anyway. i felt pretty bad though, because while i knew he appreciated my accompanying him on some level, i knew he really wanted to be with Andrea. can't help that, so i understand completely.

**on a personal level, i finally pinpointed the vintage shop in Waikiki i've been looking for! it's called 88 Tees, as i came to learn. カワイイなAddidasの鞄買っちゃった！ヴィンテショップが大好きだねぇ～

さぁ～～～つかれちゃった…あとでこのポーストおわりたい。次のブログポストがPt2です～！